I'm married, but I'm not happy!

"I'm not happy anymore, so I think I should get a divorce." 
"I know God does not want me to stay in this state, so we should divorce and go our separate ways." 
"There's got to be more out there than this. I deserve to be happy."
"If he/she was truly my soulmate, we wouldn't have all these problems." 
"I'm not sure I ever loved him/her. It's time for me to be happy." 

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (James 1:2-4)


Happiness depends on what is happening around you, but joy is predicated on your relationship with Christ. James states that we should consider it great joy when face trials. Why? Because the testing of our faith produces growth and perseverance. And once we are fully developed, we will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 

Diamonds are made by very high temperatures and extreme pressure beneath the earth's surface. The combination of extreme heat and pressure and the movement to the surface quickly forms this beautiful diamond. But the diamond doesn't become what it is without trials (heat and pressure). Just like the diamond, we too have to endure heat and pressure to become what God wants us to become. Without trials, we don't rise to our full potential. Without trials, we forget God. Without trials, we think we're in control. Without trials, we can't exhibit the fruit of Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). So does this mean that you will never be happy? Of course not. However, happiness is predicated on things happening around you; your circumstances. And if you think about your circumstances when your spouse is not being loving or respectful, then you will not feel happy. On the other hand, if you believe your joy (which is a state of contentment) is predicated on internal factors such as your relationship with Christ, then you will always be content no matter what. 

You won't be happy in your marriage all the time, but if you have a relationship with Christ, you'll be able to look to God when your needs are not being met and know that He is able to supply those needs when your spouse isn't. We're human and flawed and God did not design us to be able to meet every need. If He did, then there would be no need for Christ. God wants us to depend on Him. That's why we have trials, so we can go to Him. He's our daddy! And a damn good one! You can go to Him with anything and He'll never tell anyone. He's always just. He loves us unconditionally, even when we're unlovable. 

So by now, you may be saying, "That's all good, but my spouse ____." Okay, I know, but no matter what you put in the blank, God is able! He created marriage, but I feel as if many people forget that. We go to God for everything else except for our marriages. We don't pray for our spouses to be better spouses. We don't pray for ourselves to be better spouses. We don't pray for temptation to be kept away or for us to escape it. Sometimes, we're stuck in our mess and we don't want to go to God. But those are the times that we should run to him. During a season of my life, when I wanted to be mad at El for his indiscretion, I was running away from God. I was sinning by being unforgiving and disrespectful. I was convicted, but I didn't want to stop being angry. However, I wasn't hurting El...I was hurting myself. I was separating myself from God. And that's what sin will do. In our sinning, the enemy will have us believe that there is something better out there other than our spouse. The enemy will get you to believe the lie that you deserve to be happy and that there is no way you can be happy with this spouse. So you harbor resentment and look for an escape and you think divorce is your only option. But it's not! If you truly turn to God, He'll help you discover a new marriage with the same spouse. (Hallelujah! I could shout right there!) Are all your days going to be blissful? NO! But with God, you'll have true joy and peace even in the midst of an unhappy season. 

I'm married and truly happy! I also have joy that only God can give! 

Are you searching for happiness or joy? Do you depend on Christ to meet your every need or are you putting your trust in a flawed spouse who is unable to meet your every need? Are you praying for your marriage and being specific about how you want God to intercede? Are you expecting a new marriage with the same spouse? 

Father, I come to you on behalf of all marriages, asking that you first forgive us of our sins and then be in the center and the forefront of our marriages. That you will heal those marriages that are hurting. That you will show us where we need to improve and make us better spouses for the mate you have given us. That you will give us patience and in our waiting, you will comfort us and supply those needs our spouses are unable to supply. Help us to build a strong relationship with You daily! In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Are you working on your marriage?

I've put in a lot of hours studying in college for a bachelor's degree, master's degree, educational specialist degree, and then another master's degree. I've had my share of tests, research, papers, and projects. I worked really hard to make A's in college and do my best. I sacrificed a lot of time to make sure I did well. I put in the same time if not more in raising our son. Making sure he had a home cooked meal at least five days a week. Teaching him to read, write, and do chores around the house. Helping him with homework and projects. Loving him and teaching him about Christ. I also worked hard as a teacher. Preparing lessons that were engaging. Offering tutoring after school hours. Attending workshops to improve my skills or learn new ones. I say all of this to ask, Are you working on your marriage? Many of us spend countless hours working on some project or task. However, we neglect the gift from God. Instead of making an effort to be a better spouse, we'd rather surf Facebook or watch Empire or hangout with our friends. We'll spend hours engaged in other activities, but when it comes to our marriage we neglect it. 

How do we go about working on our marriage anyway? Well there are several things you can do and many of them you can start doing today!
1. Spend some time with God. How much time? As much time as you need, but make sure it's productive. Start your day with God. Wake up and read a devotion along with scripture and then pray and ask God for guidance and/or understanding. Talk to Him throughout the day and before you go to sleep. Spending time with God will give you the strength later to be a better spouse. To be less selfish and more serving. A true relationship with God will benefit your married life more than you know. It is only because of God that my marriage is still standing today. And it is because of God that we are still in love and happy! 
2. Spend time with your spouse. How much time? At least 2.5 hours a day. When you and your spouse awake in the morning, greet each other with warm touches and soft voices. Acknowledge your spouse when they come home from work with a hug and an excited voice. Talk to them throughout the day (if it's possible) via text or phone. Go on date once a week. Laugh together. Keep them informed. El and I spend time together every day. We make sure we go on a date at least once a week. Stop saying you don't have time. Make the time! You make the time for everything else.
3. Spend some time learning. How much time? Go to a marriage conference at least once a year. Read a good marriage book together at least every other month or every month. Listen to a marriage podcast every week or every day. Read a marriage devotion every day. Make sure you discuss ideas/thoughts with your spouse and don't forget to apply the knowledge you've gained. When you attend a workshop for your job, your boss is expecting you to apply those skills when you return back to work. The same is true in your marriage. When you learn or discover a new skill, apply it in your marriage. El and I don't have a great marriage by chance. We have to practice effective communication. We have to practice forgiveness. We have to work on our marriage. And we have to work on it every day. It's just like pruning a garden. If you ignore it soon weeds will grow, insects will invade it, and you garden will suffer. If you don't work on your marriage, it can suffer and eventually die. Make sure you are watering and pruning your garden.
4. Spend some time evaluating. How much time? Every week. In order for you to know if you're working on your marriage, you will need an evaluation. Just like your yearly evaluation on your job, your spouse can give you a weekly evaluation of how well you are doing as a spouse. Don't get defensive if you are not making an A. Keep trying and keep practicing. You'll get it right! Then you can learn a new skill and begin to put it into practice. El and I ask each other often, "How is your love tank?" If the love tank is anything other than full, the follow up question is "What can I do to make it better?" Don't expect your marriage to just be wonderful without some evaluation. 
5. Spend some time reflecting. How much time? Maybe once a week or monthly. Think about areas where you need to improve and areas where you are doing well. Ask your spouse ideas on how to improve those weak areas and work together to become better spouses. Reflection allows us time to view ourselves and analyze our flaws. It doesn't make us weak to admit that we need improving. It makes us mature and it shows that we care about the health of our marriage. I spend a lot time analyzing ways I can become a better spouse. I pray and ask God to make me a better wife. To make me the wife that El needs. I think about conversations where I could have said something different or extended grace quicker. I know the struggles of having a full plate with work, school, kids, etc. and wondering how do I make time for my marriage. If you invest in your marriage, I promise you'll see the rewards. I have. And I was about to walk away thinking my marriage was dead and that it could not be resurrected. But Glory be to God! Not only can He raise Lazarus from the dead, but He can resurrect dead marriages. However, you still have to put in some work! 

I hope you will take the time to improve the quality of your marriage. Even if your marriage is scoring an A+, there's always room to learn new skills for maintenance. It's when you stop learning that your marriage grows stagnant. Are you working on your marriage? I hope the answer is yes!

Still working,
Zina

Are you wasting time?

How much time are you wasting? Are you spending your time arguing with your spouse, instead of loving them? Are you holding grudges for hours, days, weeks, or even months? Are you threatening divorce or separation instead of rebuilding intimacy? Are you wasting time? Tomorrow is not promised to you. Stop wasting time. Get it right today! 

Am I saying that you will never have conflicts? No. Are there going to be times when you get upset with your spouse? Yes. But let's resist the temptation to hold a grudge or threaten divorce. Let's choose to bless our spouse instead of curse them. Let's choose to restore the relationship on a daily basis. Let's give forgiveness freely and often. Life is short. Death is all around us. Just watch the news or view the paper...death occurs everyday. Do you want your last words to your spouse to be harsh or unforgiving? 

Me, my mom, dad, and brother

Have you ever experienced not being able to tell someone you love them before they die? Well I have. My father passed away when I was a senior in high school; 3 days after Christmas in 1987. I was upset with him because of the way he treated my mother. They were separated at the time and he was reaching out to me asking me to go to lunch with him and talk. But I kept blowing him off and I continued to stay angry. So when he died, I was not prepared for the wave of emotions that would come from not having the chance to say to him one more time: "I love you, daddy. I forgive you, daddy. You were always a great, father, but you needed help being a great husband. Yes, I'll go to lunch with you." He bought me a Christmas present/birthday present (growing up I used to get one gift because my birthday was in December), but I refused to meet him to pick it up. I actually told him I didn't want the gift and that he could keep it. After he died, my grandmother gave me the present. It was a small ceramic music box that plays the sweetest music (which I can't even listen to because it makes me cry). It was something simple, but he wanted me to know that he was thinking about me and even though he and my mother were having problems, he still loved me. So I lived with regret for years after his death because I didn't tell him that I still loved him and that the last words he might have heard from me were: "I don't want to go to lunch with you." This regret gnawed at my soul for a long time. I can never get that time back. I can never go back in time and make it right. 

Are you wasting time? Your spouse will not be on this earth forever. Stop wasting precious time bickering, holding grudges, or ignoring them. Get it right today. Choose to love them, today. Choose to live with them in this moment, right now, today! Choose to bless them every chance you get. Choose to go to lunch with them. Choose love. 

Imagine what your life would be like if your spouse died tomorrow. For me, I can't even fathom this thought. I can't imagine my life without El. I don't want to picture that. And for this reason, I choose love everyday. I choose to forgive everyday. I choose life with him everyday; not to hold grudges, not to ignore him, and to tell him "I love you" every chance I get. I choose to show him gratitude for choosing me. I choose to make our marriage a priority. I choose love. We all have choices to make. Are you choosing your spouse today or are you wasting time? 

Lord, I pray that we will choose love today. That we learn the value of the gift You have given us--our spouse. Help us to appreciate that gift and nourish it. Set our priorities on the right track so we are not wasting time on frivolous tasks; but we make our marriage intentional. Give us generous forgiving hearts toward our spouse and bless our marriage abundantly. Pour life into our marriage that our cup will run over with joy. Allow us to see our spouse as You see them and to love them unconditionally. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Dating after children come along?

Have children? Are you and your spouse still dating after the children have come along? If you aren't, please start today. If you are, share your ideas with other couples. El and I share some tips on how to keep dating after children have come along. Watch the video below.

Remember to share your dating ideas with other couples and share your dates #ezdates. 

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Do you like your spouse?

El and I enjoy spending time together. No, really! We enjoy spending a lot of time together. In fact, we can't wait to get home every day to see each other. We want to talk to each other throughout the day (that's why use Yahoo IM). We enjoy our days off together and when we're apart, we yearn to be back each other's presence. Have you ever felt like that? Does your spouse or significant other make you want to be around them all the time? So you may be asking, what's the secret? 

Well I think the reason El and I want to be around each other so much is because there are no expectations. Meaning, we don't expect each other to perform. We are relaxed and comfortable around each other. We don't care about hair, makeup, teeth, feet, etc. We can be completely open and vulnerable. Neither of us is going to use something said against the other later. We don't criticize each other. If something is bothering us, we just say it (in love of course). We're constantly trying to improve our relationship by improving ourselves. We want to be a better spouse for each other. We're not afraid to let our guard down (even after past hurts). We like each other. Not just love, but we like each other. And we laugh together every day. But most importantly, we have a relationship with Christ. It is because of that relationship that we are able to have the relationship (with each other) that we have. This doesn't make us holier than thou - it makes us closer as husband and wife. We respect our marriage and demand that others respect it as well. We keep each other informed so there are no surprises or tricks from the enemy. We're constantly learning each other. We pay attention to each other by observing and studying behaviors. We like each other.  

Spend some time getting to know your spouse again. Rekindle the reasons why you like them. Invest in your marriage by making it intentional and demand that others respect your marriage by safeguarding your spouse's heart from the attacks of the enemy. 

Share reasons why you like your spouse. We'd love to hear from you. Don't forget to share this blog, comment, and subscribe. 

How do you stay connected?

El and I shared some tips on how to stay connected after being married 18 years. View the video below and then share how you and your spouse are staying connected.

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Who's in your circle?

A conversation starter about your inner circle. Join the conversation. Leave your comments below. 

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GUMM Videos: Coming Soon

Coming Soon.... GUMM Productions! El and I are taking our blog to video. We'll still bring you written blogs but we'll also include video blogs. Stay Tuned for more information and watch the trailer below.

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Tuesday Tip #6 (Early Release): The Lost Art of Dating Challenge!

**Please read below for the dating challenge**

When was the last time you and your spouse went on a date? ...If you are still thinking, then it's been too long! On your last date, did you and your spouse talk or sit in silence? Unless you went to the movies or a play, you should not have been sitting in silence. Today's tip will help you rediscover the art of dating.

El and I have had a standing date night every Saturday for the past five years. We rarely cancel this night unless we have a wedding or some other event to attend (in which we usually attend together). We usually go out to eat (but there are a slew of other things you can do). We like to go out to eat because we like to talk and look at each other across the table. We also like to talk in the car on the way to the restaurant and on the way back home. So you may be asking, what is there to talk about or why are we doing so much talking? Communication is a way of building intimacy and also a way of staying connected to your spouse. Many couples allow days and months to go by without receiving or giving vital information about what is happening in their lives. How tragic is it to find out something about your spouse from someone else? Two people should not be living in the same house and not know what is going on with the other person unless you're just roommates. And God did intend for our marriages to be this way (Gen. 2:24-25). 

Furthermore, there's plenty to talk about. El and I talk about our love tanks and how we can improve our relationship. We talk about our sex life to make sure we are pleasing each other appropriately. We talk about things that may be bothering us; whether it is things we need to start doing or stop doing. We also dream together. For example, we may explore what life will be like in five years or if we won a million dollars-what we would do with the money. There is always something to talk about with your spouse. There is always something else to explore with your spouse. Never stop learning your spouse. Never stop dating your spouse. And women, your husband does not always have to plan the date (I know you may be shunning me). But you can plan the date and ask your husband out. You can even pick out his clothes and drive him to the restaurant (or date). Even if you feel your husband never plans the date, you can still continue to plan it and then at least you'll go out and you know it will be the date you want. Then pray that your husband will begin to start planning the dates. 

So your tip this week is to go on a date. It doesn't matter who plans it or where you go; just do it! And then your follow up challenge is to have a date at least 4 times a month (or more) this year. Let's make it interesting...post pictures from your dates on Instagram or Facebook and use the hashtag #ezdates 

If you need some date ideas, do a Google search for great dates. Here are a list of resources that might help as well:

• 10 Great Dates (there are a few series) by the Arps
• 40 Unforgettable Dates with your Mate by the Rosbergs
• thedatingdivas.com website

And remember - 

• it doesn't matter who plans the date
• it doesn't matter what you do or where you go
• don't kill the mood by being ungrateful (you may want to check the episode of Blackish "Big Night, Big Fight")
• don't criticize
• be kind and loving
• enjoy the time together and don't forget to share your pictures

Also, it's nice to go out with another couple. So occasionally, El and I will double date or go out with several couples. Find another couple(s) that you and your spouse can double date with on occasion.  

Enjoy your dates!

-El & Zina

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Tuesday Tip #5: Sexual healing, the art of touching

**Warning** this post may not be suitable for children. 

Halle Berry & Michael Ealy from Their Eyes Were Watching God

The post some of you have been waiting on...SEX! But before you get too excited and explode before time (pun intended - lol); let me talk about the lost art of touching. Touching your spouse can be so invigorating. A simple rub down the leg can send chills. A tight hug can ease ailments. A long kiss (with tongue included) can make you moist. Touching comes in many different forms. Think of all the places you can touch your spouse. **Pause** (Okay, I'm back). Think of all the places your spouse can touch you. **Long pause** (Okay, I'm here). 

This week's tip is simple: Touch your spouse and allow them to touch you! Touch your spouse every day!! Every. Day. Touch. Your. Spouse. Ask them what touches they enjoy the most and make an effort to touch them there often. Let your spouse know that you want them to touch you as well. All this touching should lead to something else. 

Coming soon - Video tips for single, engaged, and married people. 
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Tuesday Tip #4: Devotions: Not just written words anymore!

Ever wanted to start a good marriage devotion but weren't able to stick with it? Or maybe you didn't have the time to sit and read a devotion every morning or evening? Or maybe you haven't made the time. 

But there's good news! Devotions are not just written words anymore, so your devotion can go with you everywhere you go - in the car, at work, while grocery shopping, while waiting at the doctor's office, or wherever. Instead of reading your devotion, you can listen to it or view it. Since most of us have our phones everywhere we go, we'll always have access to our devotion. What a great way to use our time wisely!

This week, we just want to give you a list of some marriage resources to help you find a good marriage devotion and then challenge you to listen or view it every day this week and discuss it with your spouse.

1. Podcasts - If you have an iPhone, you can download podcasts directly to your phone via iTunes. Here are a few that El and I listen to:

• Marriage Today (Jimmy & Karen Evans) - approximately 25 minutes/episode [also on YouTube]
• Your Marriage Coaches (Gary & Barb Rosberg) - 10 minutes/episode [also on the OnePlace app]
• The Love and Respect Podcast (Emerson & Jonathan Eggerichs) - about 45 minutes/episode
• Life, Love, & Family - about 30 minutes/episode [also online]
• A Love Language Minute (Gary Chapman) - 1 minute/episode
• God's Union Marriage Ministry (El & Zina Henry) - 5 minutes/episode
• Focus on Marriage (from Focus on the Family) - about 7 minutes/episode
• Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman - 45 minutes/episode (airs on Saturdays)

If you do not have an iPhone, you may be able to listen to most of these online or via iTunes on the computer. 

2. Videos - Here are a few videos that we watch and discuss:

• GUMM - Our own channel (#gummytc)
• Marriage Today - on YouTube and Cable TV
• Heather Lindsey - YouTube 
• Cornelius Lindsey - YouTube 
• Oasis Church - YouTube (not always about marriage)

We also want to give you some written resources or links that offer information about marriage conferences or other resources you may find helpful. 

1. God's Union Website (El & Zina) - Events page

2. 5 Love Languages website 
3. Start Marriage Right
4. You Version Bible app (has several marriage & other devotions)
5. The Marriage Coaches (just came across this one)
6. Black and Married with Kids 


These are just to name a few...however, there is a wealth of knowledge to gain about marriage and not just marriage, but Christian marriage. Enjoy! 

We hope that you will find something this week that you will enjoy together or separately and discuss together. Just as we attend workshops to improve performance on our jobs; we need to brush up on marriage tips to improve our marriages. 

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Tuesday Tip #3: Is your spouse your BFF?

Who is your BFF? Is it your spouse or your high school friend? Did you and your spouse cultivate a friendship while or before you started dating? And if so, what did that relationship look like? And if not, why? 

Let's look at some of the definitions of friend from Google: 
1. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Now let's examine the first part of this definition...whom one knows and has a bond of mutual affection. How well do you know your spouse and is there a close mutual bond of affection? Do you touch your spouse often throughout the day? El and I touch all the time (and it is usually non-sexual touch; meaning it is not leading to anything sexually). We just want to be close and touch each other. Now what's interesting is I wasn't always a touchy-feely person; but I have become that person over the years. I like to rub my hands over El's biceps or his thighs. I like having him hold me at night and I like to feel his hands on my back. Touch your spouse often and cuddle with him/her. Make your spouse feel as if they are important by touching them. Your spouse needs to be touched by you. Now the second part of this definition states that this bond may be exclusive of sexual or family relations. When you're first getting to know your spouse (before marriage), yes this developing friendship should be without sexual relations; however, after marriage this is the bonus! To have cultivated a friendship and then be able to take that friendship to the next level by knowing your spouse sexually is a wonderful thang. "And Adam knew Eve, his wife..." (Genesis 4:1). The times that I feel closest to El are the times when we just connect through conversation - when he is really in tune with what I'm saying and I'm interested in what he is saying and we're just vibing. Those are the times I want to know him. He's my best friend! 

2. a person who acts as a supporter of a cause, organization, or country by giving financial or other help. Do you support your spouse? Are you supporting them financially or in some other way? I may not agree with all of El's choices, but I support him. I am his cheerleader! If he has something he wants to do, I listen and support him even if I don't agree. I may offer other suggestions, but ultimately he is the head of our household and has the last say. I pray for him (that God will give him wisdom and help him make wise choices) and then I trust that God will lead him in the right direction. El does his best to provide financial support for our family. He cares about our family's welfare. He also cares about my happiness - he worked 3 jobs when we first married, so I could finish school without working. How are you supporting your spouse? Do they feel your support? Ask him/her how you can be a better supporter. 

3. a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are on your team (...and they become one flesh. Gen 2:24). The enemy is Satan - he wants to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10a). Together, you and your spouse can defeat the enemy with God's power. Allow God's presence to permeate your marriage and draw closer to your spouse by becoming his/her friend. 

4. a familiar or helpful thing. How well do you know your spouse? Do you know their likes and dislikes? Do you know their favorite color, favorite food, shoe size, dress/pant size, etc? Are they so familiar that you take them for granted? Or are you still trying to get to know things about them? Are you still studying them? Are you still learning them? Are you still dating? One of things El and I do is make sure we have a weekly date night. A time for just us two; no kids, no phones, no one else. We usually go out to eat, but most importantly, we talk. We get to know each other a little more with each date and after 18 years of marriage, we are still learning each other. We usually talk about our dreams or aspirations and where we'll be in five years or how we can improve our relationship. We take time to ask "how's the love tank" or "is anything we can do to make our relationship better". Never stop learning your spouse. Never stop trying to please your spouse. Never take the familiar for granted. 

5. a contact associated with a social networking website. So this definition (which I'm sure has been added within the last few years), is interesting: a contact associated with a social networking website. Some of us treat our spouse as a Facebook or Twitter friend - we ignore him/her while we scroll the pages of FB and post pictures/comments to a world of people who could care less about us. We spend more time exploring social network sites than we do exploring our spouse. Or we communicate in short "ttyl" phrases; not really making time for clear effective communication. Not really trying to find out more about our spouse. Not really being interested in your spouse or what interests them. Who is your spouse? Are they your BFF or just a FB contact? Do you spend time making your marriage intentional or do you just expect that because you said "I do" that your marriage "will"? If you just periodically checked or updated your status on FB, you'll find that things can get out of control quickly with friend requests, comments, and notifications. Just as if you were to periodically check or update your marital status, eventually it will become neglected and when you try to get things back on track, it will seem overwhelming. The garden of your marriage has to be pruned. You have to constantly make sure the unwanted parts are removed from your garden such as bad attitudes, negative thoughts, unloving feelings and replace them with good attitudes, positive thoughts, and love. 

Think about how you treated your best friend in high school. You probably talked on the phone everyday, hung out after school, helped each other with relationship problems, etc. What kind of friend are you to your spouse? Is your spouse your BFF (Best Friend Forever)? If not, make him/her your BFF today! And if they are your BFF, enhance that relationship by continually learning new ways to please them. 

Spend time with your spouse this week learning new things about them. Ask them about their favorite color, the scar on their knee or head, favorite foods or restaurants, their dreams or aspirations, and keep asking questions. Become an investigator by learning about your spouse this week, but don't stop learning after this week - keep learning! 

Share your experiences and insights! 

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Tuesday Tip #2: Can we talk? I don't know...are you listening?

Many couples struggle with communication in their relationship. Either one person talks too much and the other doesn't talk at all or both people try to talk at the same time and no one is listening. Effective communication doesn't just happen. We have to take the time to listen attentively and communicate so that our mate understands exactly what we are saying. So how do you communicate effectively?

El and I have learned several different ways to communicate effectively over the years. Gary Chapman talks about many different methods of effective communication. Here are a few from him and some of our own...
1. Tell three things you did today and how that made you feel. When you and your spouse sit down to talk (every day), discuss three things you did. These can be anything from getting up for work to going shopping. And then discuss how those things made you feel. Did you feel good, depressed, discouraged, sad, disrespected, encouraged, etc? Each of you will share three things and how those things made you feel. The point is to get you both talking and listening and hopefully you will begin to have more conversations without prompting.
2. Scaling questions (This is also a counseling technique). Asking your spouse how strongly they feel about something on a scale of 1-10. For example: My husband may ask me if I want to go to J. Alexander's for dinner. I do not appear to be real excited about going but because he can't gauge how I feel, he may ask me on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being I really want to go and 1 being I don't have to go. So if I say 9, then chances are we will probably go because the 9 suggests that I really want to go. You can use scaling for just about any question.
3. Transparency. Being open and honest with your spouse. El and I are able to talk about any and everything. We're able to talk about past relationships as well as our feelings. We don't hide our feelings because the other may get hurt; instead we just discuss our feelings in a kind manner. It's important to be transparent with your spouse. True intimacy is developed as you continue to be vulnerable with your mate and allow the walls to come down. (Make sure you don't take advantage of your spouse when they are being vulnerable and that you don't abuse their trust).
4. Informing your spouse. El and I keep each other "in the loop". We talk all throughout the day via text or IM and sometimes by phone. We let each other know of our whereabouts and any upcoming plans. Your spouse should know what is going on with you. It doesn't look good for someone else to know what's going on with you before your spouse does. Keep your spouse informed. It may be a good idea to discuss your schedules every morning or at night (for the upcoming day) so that you both know about appointments, meetings, practices, kid pickups, etc.
5. Just talk and just listen. Sometimes it just takes you talking to your spouse and your spouse listening. Even if you don't want to hear what your spouse has to say, just listen. You may be surprised at what you hear. It's possible that you'll learn something new about your spouse. You want to be the person they can come to about anything (just like your children - if you listen, really listen, they'll talk to you more). And if you don't talk much, start talking more. Share your feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc. with your spouse. Let them inside of your heart.

Okay, now we've given you five tips that you can use this week. Choose one or all of them to practice this week. Don't forget to share how well prayer worked for you and keep praying together. Practice makes perfect.

Now go talk to spouse.

Tuesday Tip #1 - Plug into the Power of Prayer

My husband and I have made a habit of praying together and praying for our marriage. We pray for each other as well as for ourselves to be better spouses to one another. We have asked couples (over the years) do they pray for their marriage, and many of them said no. Most of them have never thought to pray for their marriage. We tend to go to God about everything in life except our marriages. We pray for our health, finances, children, etc. but we fail to include our marriages. Maybe we think it is selfish or that God can't help us with our marriage. Maybe we secretly think we're the problem and praying about it would cause us to change - when we want our spouse to do the changing.

This week's tip is prayer. Sounds simple? Well it is. You can pray together every night or day. And below is a list of things we want you to pray for. You can pray these prayers every night or just on the designated day. You and your spouse may pray silently together, one praying aloud, or in conversational prayer (one prays aloud and then pauses and the other spouse prays aloud and pauses and that continues until you're both finished).

Prayers
1. Today - Pray that God will make your marriage what He would have it to be. That God will give your marriage a purpose.
2. Wednesday - Pray that God will keep temptation away from your marriage and if either of you are tempted that God will offer a quick escape that you will immediately take.
3. Thursday - Pray that your sex life will be fulfilling and joyous to both you and your spouse. Ask God to forgive you of past sexual sins and that you can release those past sins to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse.
4. Friday - Pray that you will share effective communication with one another. That God will help you listen attentively to each other and respond in love.
5. Saturday - Pray that you will have a better relationship with Christ. That both of you will yearn for a closer relationship with Christ.
6. Sunday - Pray that God will make you good stewards over your finances and other things that He has allowed you to borrow during your stay on earth. Being a good steward, keeps you from fighting over money.
7. Monday - Pray that prayer brings you closer as a couple and that you will continue to pray together even after this week; making this a priority.

Pray with the expectation that something will happen! 
El & Zina

Let us know how this week went and share any blessings you receive. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog to receive future emails about blog posts.

Flawless or Nah?

I woke up like this... Did you wake up with a spirit of meanness and not wanting to be bothered by your spouse? Or did you wake up praising God for another day and thanking Him that you and your spouse have another chance to get it right? How did you wake up? How do you plan to wake up from here on out?

God is not asking us to be flawless; however, He is expecting us to strive for perfection. Are you really doing the very best you can or are you squeaking by; doing just enough? Your marriage doesn't have to imitate the Johnson's, but it should show the world God's love for the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). What does your marriage say to world? Are you putting on a facade, pretending to be a happy couple? Or is your love real and can others actually feel the realness so much that they want to know God? God calls us to be an example of His love for the church so that others will come to Christ. If you don't have the right relationship with Christ, you won't have the right relationship with your spouse.

It's a new year! Why not get it right this time? We'll help you along the way. Tuesdays will be our designated Tuesday Tips. Every Tuesday we'll share a tip that we've learned and/or practiced to help make our marriage "flawless". The only thing you have to do is put it into practice. You'll have a whole week until the next tip to practice. We really want to hear from you on whether or not a tip worked for you or if you need more practice. The tips won't work if you don't put them into practice. That is key!

So this weekend, we want you to pray and ask God for wisdom and courage to walk boldly into a new season and into a new marriage. To make your marriage intentional and stop playing house, but have a joyful home.

Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy. Thank you for those reading this blog and wanting a better marriage. Thank you for their diligence and patience and guide their footsteps in the direction you would have them go so that they do not stray from your presence or your word. Allow them to hear the Holy Spirit and be obedient to His voice. We are asking for radical changes in marriages around the world. That they will be joyous and filled with contentment. That marriages around the world will be an example of your love for the church. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Is your marriage flawless or nah?

Are you still learning your spouse?

Have you ever been fixated on a object or a thought and wanted to find out everything you could about it? Such as a familiar actor that you notice on TV but can't remember his name. So you go straight to Google to look up the movie and find the actor's name and other movies that they've starred in. It becomes an obsession. Or what about your favorite sports team or player? You want to know their stats and what other teams they've played on. You study to find out as much information as you can to become knowledgeable about the subject.

Have you ever considered becoming a lifetime student of your spouse? Imagine a marriage where you are constantly learning how to please your spouse and your spouse is constantly learning how to please you. You come home tired and surprised by a bubble bath. You initiate sexual intimacy because you know they need a release. You take your spouse to their favorite restaurant and order their favorite food. You plan a date that is memorable. Your spouse calls or texts you throughout the day to say they love you. Your spouse leaves love notes lying around the house or hidden in special places just for you. You laugh and joke with each other and have little quirky sayings that only the two of you understand. You know when something is wrong with your spouse and you do your best to make them feel better (without fixing it). You study your spouse and want to know how to please him/her on a daily basis.

So how do you get this point in your marriage?
1. Pay close attention to the little things. 
Listen to the little things your spouse says to you. Such as when they mention a favorite song, food, or scent. Make a mental note of how you may surprise your spouse with a little gift or a date based on the little things they've mentioned.
2. Keep a note pad.
Use a note pad or the notes on your phone to jot down those little things that you hear your spouse talking about so you can use them later to plan surprises. Writing down this information is important, especially if you don't have a good memory. You may want to write down sizes and favorite clothing stores.
3. Ask a ton of questions.
Ask your spouse about their ideal date or what their favorite part of a date is. Find out what interests your spouse and what things they like to do. Make sure you take notes. Get to know your spouse on a more intimate level. Become a private eye for your spouse.  

Use the following acronym to help you remember to study your spouse.
S - Study and observe your spouse by watching them closely
T - Think about their feelings and what things make them happy
U - Use information to plan dates or give gifts
D - Discover new and exciting things about your spouse
Y - You will become the spouse God wants you to be

Now go to work! It's nice to have all this information, but make sure you get out of the huddle and put the play into action! It doesn't do any good if learn your spouse but never use this information to brighten their lives.

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 2 of 2

6. It's okay if you haven't accomplished your goals - don't give up! (This one is for me). I didn't want to go into my 40's overweight. However, 4 years into my 40's I'm still trying to lose weight. I was starting to get a little down as December 1st rolled around and I realized I was just a week a way from yet another year of not having accomplished a goal that I set. Well I must like the way I am because if I really wanted to make a change, I would. But I'm not giving up! If you have goals you're trying to accomplish, don't give up until you accomplish them and then strive for another goal. Make a few small goals to help you feel accomplished until you reach your big goal. Establish some consequences and rewards along the way to help you stay on track. Whether you want to lose weight, write a book, read the whole bible, learn to cook, or whatever - you can do it! Don't give up!

7. Money isn't everything! So many people work 80 hours a week trying to make a lucrative salary to buy things to impress people that don't care. Money won't buy time with your family and can't buy the love of your significant other. Learn to live within your means and be good stewards over what God has given you. If you feel you are still in need, ask God to provide. You can't take the money with you when you die; so enjoy the life you've been given and spend quality time with family and friends. 

8. Sex is important in marriage. Sexual intimacy is not just important for men, but it's important for women as well. Women need sexual intimacy more than they may think. Put down your long list of things to do and please your spouse. Be spontaneous and enjoy each other in different areas of the house and in different positions. Explore one another and learn new sensual spots. Sex is important in marriage. 

9. Love is an action not a feeling. Love means doing something to show your love. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins. You can't love your spouse without ever doing anything to show that you love them. Show them your love everyday. Give them a card, cook dinner, make the bed, give them a foot rub or back rub, hold their hand, hug them, and spend time with them, etc. Love your spouse with action not just by telling them. 

10. Surround yourself by loving, godly people. It's important to have others around you that will keep you in line with God's Word and hold you accountable. God designed us for relationships. The enemy wants us to isolate and feel as if we are alone in this world. Surround yourself with other godly people and as a married couple, surround yourself with other godly married people. Hold each other accountable without judgment and pray for one another. 

As I celebrate 44 years...I can say that I am truly pleased with my life right now. I'm in love with a wonderful man. I have an awesome son, that I am so proud of. I am grateful for God's blessings and His favor. I am surrounded by great friends and family. And I am excited to be in God's presence all day! 

Thank you for sharing this day with me. 
Z

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 1 of 2

I will celebrate my 44th birthday Monday, December 8, 2014. And as I reflect on the past 44 years, I wanted to share some things that I've learned along the way.


1. It's okay if you haven't quite decided what you want to do with your life just yet. I thought I wanted to be a nurse and so when I graduated from high school, I went straight to college bound to be an R.N. Well 12 years later, I finally graduated with an English degree. I then thought I wanted to be a writer; however, I was encouraged to teach. 11 years later, I was back in school again pursuing a counseling degree. My family says my career is "professional student", but it took me a while to hear God's voice and understand that my calling is counseling - specifically marriage counseling. But if I didn't go down those different paths, I wouldn't know what I know now nor would I have met some of the people I was supposed to meet along the way and have the experiences I was supposed to have. Pray and ask God what your career path should be in order to fulfill His purpose to build the kingdom. Then ask God to help you along the way.


2. Your marriage is not going to be a story book or fantasy.  I married my very best friend and when he cheated, I thought it was the end of the world. I believed the lie that Satan told me - because there is a tarnish on your marriage, it will never be great. Well, the devil is a lie! Not only is my marriage great, but it is way better than before. Do we still argue or have conflict? Yes. Is it perfect? No. But the difference is we have tools that we use to resolve conflict quickly and we forgive often. It's not a story book or fantasy marriage, but it is as close to heavenly as humanly possible.

3. God is Real and He can be Trusted! People say all the time that they believe in God and that they have faith, but do they really believe? Are we willing to walk out there when we don't know the direction? Are we willing to do some crazy, silly things because God said so? I haven't always fully trusted, but I've always heard His voice. There were times when I tried to bargain with Him and suggest other options; however, His way is always the best way! I left my teaching job after 11 years to pursue counseling because I believed God. I started a marriage ministry because I believed in God. He is real and He can be trusted, even when you don't feel His presence. Start every morning with Him and end every day with Him and see the difference He makes in your life.

4. The only opinion that really matters is yours.  I was watching an episode of Law & Order in which 3 girls kidnapped, tortured, and killed a 4th girl. Now the 2 girls who went along with this had a choice. They could go along (as they did) or they could go the other way. How many times have you gone along with the in crowd because you didn't want to be shunned or because you wanted to be popular? It's okay to have a mind of your own and be your own person. In the end, your opinion is really the only opinion that matters. You don't have to please anyone but God! Be yourself! Love yourself! And stand up for your beliefs, even if you are standing alone! If you lose some friends along the way...they might not have been true friends and you're better off without them. "Do you, boo boo!"

5. It's important to spend quality time with your children. Our son is 23 years and the older he gets, the more I love him. I get to observe him reading his bible and praising God. I get to see him appreciate his parents and others - never taking anyone for granted or feeling that he is obligated to receive kindness from others. He does the dishes, vacuums, cleans the bathroom, and washes his own clothes without anyone having to tell him (well sometimes). He's not afraid to

hug his dad or kiss his mom in public. He still loves hanging around his parents and is eager to tell us about his day. He doesn't mind the pet names that we call him (like Squishy & Pookiemon). He still gets in the bed with us and asks his famous question, "So what are we doing tonight?" He continues to make us laugh on a daily basis. He's not afraid to be his own person and stand up for what he believes even if he is standing alone. Spend time, real time with your children. Listen to them. Talk to them. Enjoy their company. They grow up so fast and when they're grown, you still want to be able to enjoy them.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - of what I've learned. 

Don't fix it!

In the past when I came home, El would ask me to tell him about my day. So I would start...

Me: Baby, there were only two people in my aerobics class, today, but we still had a very good workout. I had to run a lot of errands...and I bought some toilet paper. I had lunch with my mother. We went to Olive Garden...you know the same place we go every Saturday. Oh and Lane Bryant had a sale, but I didn't buy anything...because we don't really have the money this week. But there was this lady talking so loud on her cell phone, that everyone in the store could hear her. She was fussing at her kids, right there in the store------

This is when I'd be interrupted with a ton of questions and suggestions.

El: You should have told her to go outside...why was she yelling anyway? Why didn't the manager say something to her? 

Me: I hadn't finished telling you the story yet. 

El: Well you paused. 

Me: No I didn't...you interrupted...

El: Yes you did...there was a pause.

Me: Nevermind. 

El: No finish your story...I'm listening.

Then I would clam up and refuse to finish the story. I really just wanted El to listen to me. To engage in uninterrupted time and just listen. Listen the way my girlfriends would listen by nodding and interjecting an occasional "uh-huh".  We (women) don't want you (men) to fix it. We don't even want your suggestions (unless we ask). We just want you to say: really...then what happen...and what did you say...for real...un-huh... That's all. We want you to listen attentively and just...listen. Now for most men, this may be hard. Men are innately born to fix problems. They want to solve all of our issues. They want to be our knight in shining armor. But listen up men! Sometimes...most of the time...all the time...we don't want a fix. We just want you to listen. Conversation to us is like sex to you. When our husbands listen to us, it makes us want to be intimate with them. (Men...if you don't hear anything else, hear that!).

Eventually I learned to start my conversations with: I don't want you to fix this...just listen. If El tried to start fixing something...I would tell him to put away his tool belt. However, we don't have that problem as much anymore. El has become a very good listener. He is good at turning toward me and giving me his undivided attention.

Here are a few tips for active listening:
1. Turn toward your spouse and give them eye contact.
2. Pause or mute the TV. You may want to pause the TV so you won't be distracted by the motion on the screen.
3. Silence your phone and put it down. Don't text or look at the phone while your spouse is talking to you.
4. Don't interrupt. Allow them time to complete their statements.
5. Give clarifying statements to let your spouse know you are paying attention and you understand what they are saying.

You may feel as if you are already a good listener; if so good for you! But check with your spouse to be sure. And ladies, we need to be good listeners as well. Put down the laundry and pause Scandal. Your spouse needs your undivided attention also. You may be thinking, "Well my husband doesn't talk." That may be because you didn't listen to him in the past or he has never had your undivided attention.

You may think that you've heard everything your spouse has to say or maybe you're not interested in what they have to say. However, your spouse should be your primary focus and every time they communicate with you, you should be eager to listen. Actively listening is one way to build intimacy with your spouse. You may discover a new interest your spouse has or find that something's been troubling him/her. Take time to listen to your spouse. Develop an intimate bond by paying close attention to your spouse.

Take time this week to listen intently to your spouse. What will you do specifically this week to build better listening skills? Share your ideas by leaving a comment.

What's your IQ - Intimacy Quotient?

Intimacy. There are several types of intimacy, but the overall basis of intimacy is simply a strong closeness with someone else; familiarity; or relationship. You should have this type of closeness with your spouse; but you should also have this type of intimacy with God. There are several ways to develop an intimate relationship with your spouse and with God.

Remember the story of Hosea and Gomer in the book of Hosea? Hosea married a promiscious woman named Gomer at the command of God to show an example of God's love for His disobedient people. God wants to have a relationship with you; an intimate relationship with you. Are you going to be like Gomer and continue to be promiscious with other "gods"? Your "god" could be anything such as your job, your home, your car, your children, your spouse, or anything you put more faith, energy, love, and care in more than God. Don't be like Gomer. Come back to God and really serve Him; develop a closeness to Him. Increasing your intimacy level with Christ will build the foundation needed to have a stronger intimacy level in your marriage.

As you begin to build that intimate relationship with God; you should be building an intimate relationship with your spouse. Your spouse is longing for a special closeness with you. He/she wants to know that you are in their corner; that you support them and you will always be there for them.

I can't begin to tell you how close El and I are. I want to be around him all the time and he wants to be close to me. He is an awesome husband and father. This closeness is a result of our spiritual journey. We've always been the best of friends, but the closer we draw to God, the closer we draw to each other. El and I spend every evening together discussing the day's events. We draw closer to each other during pillow talk as we talk about our schedules, watch TV together, and snuggle with one another. We go grocery shopping together and laugh and play in the store. Intimacy is special and should be something that is growing within your marriage and with God. El and I wouldn't have the relationship we have today without a strong relationship with Christ. We pray about everything and we take our burdens to God. We listen to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to guide us. We need Christ! This journey would be null and void without Christ.

Ask yourself these questions to determine your intimacy level?
1. How many hours a day do I spend with Christ (reading the Bible, praying, quiet time, etc)?
2. How many hours a day do I spend with my spouse (talking, listening, sharing, touching, etc)?
3. How transparent am I with my spouse on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 10 being completely transparent and 1 being completely closed off)?
4. How often do you fill your spouse's love tank? (How many days out of the week?)
5. How many days of the week do you pray with your spouse?

Here are mine and El's answers to those questions above.
1.On average, I spend about 3-4 hours a day with Christ. I read a few devotions as soon as I wake up every morning. Then I read or listen to a few scriptures. Next, while I'm getting dressed and on the way to work, I listen to sermons via podcasts. I also listen to sermons while I'm at work via podcasts and on the way home from work. We usually have prayer via conference call several times a week and I will pray or just talk to God throughout the day. Then El and I pray before we go to bed at night. El says he spends about 30 minutes a day with Christ. He usually reads his bible when he gets up first thing in the morning.
2. El and I spend a lot of time talking throughout the day via Yahoo Messenger or text messaging. We also call each other a few times during the day. Then when we get home, we talk about our day some more and share our thoughts and feelings. We always give each other a kiss when we've been apart for any length of time and usually we add a big hug. We keep each other informed on our whereabouts and if we're ever going to be late or if plans change, we call. I feel secure knowing this about El and I'm sure it makes him feel good knowing the same.
3. El and I are very transparent with each other (10)! When we met, we talked about everything and we still do! We are able to be completely naked and unashamed (Gen. 2:25). We have a deep level of intimacy and I'm thankful to God for that.
4. I try to fill El's love tank at least 7 days a week. I make sure to ask, "How is your love tank?" so it won't get empty. El says he does this about 3-4 days week. (I think it's more than that - my love tank is usually full!).
5. We pray together every night before bed and sometimes throughout the day.

Why not increase your IQ today! Knock the walls down and let your spouse know that you are committed to the marriage. Build an intimate relationship with Christ as your foundation and allow Him to take your marriage to new heights.

For fun, you might want to take the intimacy quotient assessment. Feel free to comment with your responses to the questions above or share some ideas about how you are building intimacy in your relationship.