Are you still learning your spouse?

Have you ever been fixated on a object or a thought and wanted to find out everything you could about it? Such as a familiar actor that you notice on TV but can't remember his name. So you go straight to Google to look up the movie and find the actor's name and other movies that they've starred in. It becomes an obsession. Or what about your favorite sports team or player? You want to know their stats and what other teams they've played on. You study to find out as much information as you can to become knowledgeable about the subject.

Have you ever considered becoming a lifetime student of your spouse? Imagine a marriage where you are constantly learning how to please your spouse and your spouse is constantly learning how to please you. You come home tired and surprised by a bubble bath. You initiate sexual intimacy because you know they need a release. You take your spouse to their favorite restaurant and order their favorite food. You plan a date that is memorable. Your spouse calls or texts you throughout the day to say they love you. Your spouse leaves love notes lying around the house or hidden in special places just for you. You laugh and joke with each other and have little quirky sayings that only the two of you understand. You know when something is wrong with your spouse and you do your best to make them feel better (without fixing it). You study your spouse and want to know how to please him/her on a daily basis.

So how do you get this point in your marriage?
1. Pay close attention to the little things. 
Listen to the little things your spouse says to you. Such as when they mention a favorite song, food, or scent. Make a mental note of how you may surprise your spouse with a little gift or a date based on the little things they've mentioned.
2. Keep a note pad.
Use a note pad or the notes on your phone to jot down those little things that you hear your spouse talking about so you can use them later to plan surprises. Writing down this information is important, especially if you don't have a good memory. You may want to write down sizes and favorite clothing stores.
3. Ask a ton of questions.
Ask your spouse about their ideal date or what their favorite part of a date is. Find out what interests your spouse and what things they like to do. Make sure you take notes. Get to know your spouse on a more intimate level. Become a private eye for your spouse.  

Use the following acronym to help you remember to study your spouse.
S - Study and observe your spouse by watching them closely
T - Think about their feelings and what things make them happy
U - Use information to plan dates or give gifts
D - Discover new and exciting things about your spouse
Y - You will become the spouse God wants you to be

Now go to work! It's nice to have all this information, but make sure you get out of the huddle and put the play into action! It doesn't do any good if learn your spouse but never use this information to brighten their lives.

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 2 of 2

6. It's okay if you haven't accomplished your goals - don't give up! (This one is for me). I didn't want to go into my 40's overweight. However, 4 years into my 40's I'm still trying to lose weight. I was starting to get a little down as December 1st rolled around and I realized I was just a week a way from yet another year of not having accomplished a goal that I set. Well I must like the way I am because if I really wanted to make a change, I would. But I'm not giving up! If you have goals you're trying to accomplish, don't give up until you accomplish them and then strive for another goal. Make a few small goals to help you feel accomplished until you reach your big goal. Establish some consequences and rewards along the way to help you stay on track. Whether you want to lose weight, write a book, read the whole bible, learn to cook, or whatever - you can do it! Don't give up!

7. Money isn't everything! So many people work 80 hours a week trying to make a lucrative salary to buy things to impress people that don't care. Money won't buy time with your family and can't buy the love of your significant other. Learn to live within your means and be good stewards over what God has given you. If you feel you are still in need, ask God to provide. You can't take the money with you when you die; so enjoy the life you've been given and spend quality time with family and friends. 

8. Sex is important in marriage. Sexual intimacy is not just important for men, but it's important for women as well. Women need sexual intimacy more than they may think. Put down your long list of things to do and please your spouse. Be spontaneous and enjoy each other in different areas of the house and in different positions. Explore one another and learn new sensual spots. Sex is important in marriage. 

9. Love is an action not a feeling. Love means doing something to show your love. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins. You can't love your spouse without ever doing anything to show that you love them. Show them your love everyday. Give them a card, cook dinner, make the bed, give them a foot rub or back rub, hold their hand, hug them, and spend time with them, etc. Love your spouse with action not just by telling them. 

10. Surround yourself by loving, godly people. It's important to have others around you that will keep you in line with God's Word and hold you accountable. God designed us for relationships. The enemy wants us to isolate and feel as if we are alone in this world. Surround yourself with other godly people and as a married couple, surround yourself with other godly married people. Hold each other accountable without judgment and pray for one another. 

As I celebrate 44 years...I can say that I am truly pleased with my life right now. I'm in love with a wonderful man. I have an awesome son, that I am so proud of. I am grateful for God's blessings and His favor. I am surrounded by great friends and family. And I am excited to be in God's presence all day! 

Thank you for sharing this day with me. 
Z

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 1 of 2

I will celebrate my 44th birthday Monday, December 8, 2014. And as I reflect on the past 44 years, I wanted to share some things that I've learned along the way.


1. It's okay if you haven't quite decided what you want to do with your life just yet. I thought I wanted to be a nurse and so when I graduated from high school, I went straight to college bound to be an R.N. Well 12 years later, I finally graduated with an English degree. I then thought I wanted to be a writer; however, I was encouraged to teach. 11 years later, I was back in school again pursuing a counseling degree. My family says my career is "professional student", but it took me a while to hear God's voice and understand that my calling is counseling - specifically marriage counseling. But if I didn't go down those different paths, I wouldn't know what I know now nor would I have met some of the people I was supposed to meet along the way and have the experiences I was supposed to have. Pray and ask God what your career path should be in order to fulfill His purpose to build the kingdom. Then ask God to help you along the way.


2. Your marriage is not going to be a story book or fantasy.  I married my very best friend and when he cheated, I thought it was the end of the world. I believed the lie that Satan told me - because there is a tarnish on your marriage, it will never be great. Well, the devil is a lie! Not only is my marriage great, but it is way better than before. Do we still argue or have conflict? Yes. Is it perfect? No. But the difference is we have tools that we use to resolve conflict quickly and we forgive often. It's not a story book or fantasy marriage, but it is as close to heavenly as humanly possible.

3. God is Real and He can be Trusted! People say all the time that they believe in God and that they have faith, but do they really believe? Are we willing to walk out there when we don't know the direction? Are we willing to do some crazy, silly things because God said so? I haven't always fully trusted, but I've always heard His voice. There were times when I tried to bargain with Him and suggest other options; however, His way is always the best way! I left my teaching job after 11 years to pursue counseling because I believed God. I started a marriage ministry because I believed in God. He is real and He can be trusted, even when you don't feel His presence. Start every morning with Him and end every day with Him and see the difference He makes in your life.

4. The only opinion that really matters is yours.  I was watching an episode of Law & Order in which 3 girls kidnapped, tortured, and killed a 4th girl. Now the 2 girls who went along with this had a choice. They could go along (as they did) or they could go the other way. How many times have you gone along with the in crowd because you didn't want to be shunned or because you wanted to be popular? It's okay to have a mind of your own and be your own person. In the end, your opinion is really the only opinion that matters. You don't have to please anyone but God! Be yourself! Love yourself! And stand up for your beliefs, even if you are standing alone! If you lose some friends along the way...they might not have been true friends and you're better off without them. "Do you, boo boo!"

5. It's important to spend quality time with your children. Our son is 23 years and the older he gets, the more I love him. I get to observe him reading his bible and praising God. I get to see him appreciate his parents and others - never taking anyone for granted or feeling that he is obligated to receive kindness from others. He does the dishes, vacuums, cleans the bathroom, and washes his own clothes without anyone having to tell him (well sometimes). He's not afraid to

hug his dad or kiss his mom in public. He still loves hanging around his parents and is eager to tell us about his day. He doesn't mind the pet names that we call him (like Squishy & Pookiemon). He still gets in the bed with us and asks his famous question, "So what are we doing tonight?" He continues to make us laugh on a daily basis. He's not afraid to be his own person and stand up for what he believes even if he is standing alone. Spend time, real time with your children. Listen to them. Talk to them. Enjoy their company. They grow up so fast and when they're grown, you still want to be able to enjoy them.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - of what I've learned. 

Don't fix it!

In the past when I came home, El would ask me to tell him about my day. So I would start...

Me: Baby, there were only two people in my aerobics class, today, but we still had a very good workout. I had to run a lot of errands...and I bought some toilet paper. I had lunch with my mother. We went to Olive Garden...you know the same place we go every Saturday. Oh and Lane Bryant had a sale, but I didn't buy anything...because we don't really have the money this week. But there was this lady talking so loud on her cell phone, that everyone in the store could hear her. She was fussing at her kids, right there in the store------

This is when I'd be interrupted with a ton of questions and suggestions.

El: You should have told her to go outside...why was she yelling anyway? Why didn't the manager say something to her? 

Me: I hadn't finished telling you the story yet. 

El: Well you paused. 

Me: No I didn't...you interrupted...

El: Yes you did...there was a pause.

Me: Nevermind. 

El: No finish your story...I'm listening.

Then I would clam up and refuse to finish the story. I really just wanted El to listen to me. To engage in uninterrupted time and just listen. Listen the way my girlfriends would listen by nodding and interjecting an occasional "uh-huh".  We (women) don't want you (men) to fix it. We don't even want your suggestions (unless we ask). We just want you to say: really...then what happen...and what did you say...for real...un-huh... That's all. We want you to listen attentively and just...listen. Now for most men, this may be hard. Men are innately born to fix problems. They want to solve all of our issues. They want to be our knight in shining armor. But listen up men! Sometimes...most of the time...all the time...we don't want a fix. We just want you to listen. Conversation to us is like sex to you. When our husbands listen to us, it makes us want to be intimate with them. (Men...if you don't hear anything else, hear that!).

Eventually I learned to start my conversations with: I don't want you to fix this...just listen. If El tried to start fixing something...I would tell him to put away his tool belt. However, we don't have that problem as much anymore. El has become a very good listener. He is good at turning toward me and giving me his undivided attention.

Here are a few tips for active listening:
1. Turn toward your spouse and give them eye contact.
2. Pause or mute the TV. You may want to pause the TV so you won't be distracted by the motion on the screen.
3. Silence your phone and put it down. Don't text or look at the phone while your spouse is talking to you.
4. Don't interrupt. Allow them time to complete their statements.
5. Give clarifying statements to let your spouse know you are paying attention and you understand what they are saying.

You may feel as if you are already a good listener; if so good for you! But check with your spouse to be sure. And ladies, we need to be good listeners as well. Put down the laundry and pause Scandal. Your spouse needs your undivided attention also. You may be thinking, "Well my husband doesn't talk." That may be because you didn't listen to him in the past or he has never had your undivided attention.

You may think that you've heard everything your spouse has to say or maybe you're not interested in what they have to say. However, your spouse should be your primary focus and every time they communicate with you, you should be eager to listen. Actively listening is one way to build intimacy with your spouse. You may discover a new interest your spouse has or find that something's been troubling him/her. Take time to listen to your spouse. Develop an intimate bond by paying close attention to your spouse.

Take time this week to listen intently to your spouse. What will you do specifically this week to build better listening skills? Share your ideas by leaving a comment.

What's your IQ - Intimacy Quotient?

Intimacy. There are several types of intimacy, but the overall basis of intimacy is simply a strong closeness with someone else; familiarity; or relationship. You should have this type of closeness with your spouse; but you should also have this type of intimacy with God. There are several ways to develop an intimate relationship with your spouse and with God.

Remember the story of Hosea and Gomer in the book of Hosea? Hosea married a promiscious woman named Gomer at the command of God to show an example of God's love for His disobedient people. God wants to have a relationship with you; an intimate relationship with you. Are you going to be like Gomer and continue to be promiscious with other "gods"? Your "god" could be anything such as your job, your home, your car, your children, your spouse, or anything you put more faith, energy, love, and care in more than God. Don't be like Gomer. Come back to God and really serve Him; develop a closeness to Him. Increasing your intimacy level with Christ will build the foundation needed to have a stronger intimacy level in your marriage.

As you begin to build that intimate relationship with God; you should be building an intimate relationship with your spouse. Your spouse is longing for a special closeness with you. He/she wants to know that you are in their corner; that you support them and you will always be there for them.

I can't begin to tell you how close El and I are. I want to be around him all the time and he wants to be close to me. He is an awesome husband and father. This closeness is a result of our spiritual journey. We've always been the best of friends, but the closer we draw to God, the closer we draw to each other. El and I spend every evening together discussing the day's events. We draw closer to each other during pillow talk as we talk about our schedules, watch TV together, and snuggle with one another. We go grocery shopping together and laugh and play in the store. Intimacy is special and should be something that is growing within your marriage and with God. El and I wouldn't have the relationship we have today without a strong relationship with Christ. We pray about everything and we take our burdens to God. We listen to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to guide us. We need Christ! This journey would be null and void without Christ.

Ask yourself these questions to determine your intimacy level?
1. How many hours a day do I spend with Christ (reading the Bible, praying, quiet time, etc)?
2. How many hours a day do I spend with my spouse (talking, listening, sharing, touching, etc)?
3. How transparent am I with my spouse on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 10 being completely transparent and 1 being completely closed off)?
4. How often do you fill your spouse's love tank? (How many days out of the week?)
5. How many days of the week do you pray with your spouse?

Here are mine and El's answers to those questions above.
1.On average, I spend about 3-4 hours a day with Christ. I read a few devotions as soon as I wake up every morning. Then I read or listen to a few scriptures. Next, while I'm getting dressed and on the way to work, I listen to sermons via podcasts. I also listen to sermons while I'm at work via podcasts and on the way home from work. We usually have prayer via conference call several times a week and I will pray or just talk to God throughout the day. Then El and I pray before we go to bed at night. El says he spends about 30 minutes a day with Christ. He usually reads his bible when he gets up first thing in the morning.
2. El and I spend a lot of time talking throughout the day via Yahoo Messenger or text messaging. We also call each other a few times during the day. Then when we get home, we talk about our day some more and share our thoughts and feelings. We always give each other a kiss when we've been apart for any length of time and usually we add a big hug. We keep each other informed on our whereabouts and if we're ever going to be late or if plans change, we call. I feel secure knowing this about El and I'm sure it makes him feel good knowing the same.
3. El and I are very transparent with each other (10)! When we met, we talked about everything and we still do! We are able to be completely naked and unashamed (Gen. 2:25). We have a deep level of intimacy and I'm thankful to God for that.
4. I try to fill El's love tank at least 7 days a week. I make sure to ask, "How is your love tank?" so it won't get empty. El says he does this about 3-4 days week. (I think it's more than that - my love tank is usually full!).
5. We pray together every night before bed and sometimes throughout the day.

Why not increase your IQ today! Knock the walls down and let your spouse know that you are committed to the marriage. Build an intimate relationship with Christ as your foundation and allow Him to take your marriage to new heights.

For fun, you might want to take the intimacy quotient assessment. Feel free to comment with your responses to the questions above or share some ideas about how you are building intimacy in your relationship.

18 years and counting...

I remember the first day I met El, late in 1995. I was working as a teller supervisor at NBC (which is now Suntrust) in front of the Hickory Ridge Mall. He walked into the bank to make a deposit from his employer, Casual Male Big and Tall. He waited for me so I could take his deposit. He immediately tried to talk to me and get my number. I hate to admit it, but at the time, I wasn't really interested. He was 4 years younger than I was and I was ready to settle down. But I told him he could call me if he found my phone number (it was listed - LOL). Well he found my number and he also found out that we lived in the same neighborhood, Raleigh, (Memphis, TN) only about 5 minutes away from each other.

Later, I began to visit El at his job, which was down the street from where I worked - what a coincidence. We lived by each other and we worked by each other. El and I became really close friends, sharing stories about our past and present love interests (which we soon ended). We started spending a lot of time together...he would stay at my house for hours, making kool-aid, helping me with the dishes, playing with my son, and keeping me company. We talked about everything and I mean everything! And when he went home, we talked on the phone. He became my best friend. I felt safe and comfortable around El. We spent all of Spring Break (1996) together and when my favorite cousin, Dana, met him for the first time, she said, "He is going to be your husband!" (She'd never said that before). She even let him drive her new car!

When I met El's mom, she told me that El already had a wife and that I would be his second wife. I laughed and told her apparently the first wife wasn't woman enough to keep El because he was marrying me. She laughed and I knew then, I was in! I passed the test. When I met El's dad and mom, there was an instant connection. I felt as if I had known them my whole life. His family also accepted my son and loved him like he had been a part of their family from day one.

Eventually we decided to move in together. It was during that time while we were looking for an apartment that I realized how much I wanted this man in my life for a long time and not just as a friend. I'd never been so in love before. He was definitely sent by God. I remember praying and asking God if El was my spouse and it was clear that he was! However, us living together posed a threat because we were sinning and being disobedient toward God. So we decided we would get married in 1998; however, when we visited my aunt in Nashville, she suggested 1997. (Which revealed I had her approval and that she liked El. She even mentioned that she believed my father would have liked him if he was still alive - El was the one!). But after God pricked my heart, I realized our relationship might not last if we continued to live in sin. So before the year was out, we started planning a wedding in August of 1996 (we had 3 months before the big day - can you say stressed).

One of the things I remember El asking me was "How are we going to pay for a wedding?" And I told him God will provide. And God did provide. My cousin Tony supplied our flowers. My mom made the bridesmaids dresses. El's aunt, Althea, catered the reception. My cousin, Corey, was our photographer (he was married exactly 2 weeks before us). My other cousin, Carla, was my coordinator and my friend Winnie filled in on that day because Carla was out of town. Winnie also did my makeup. Todd Day let us borrow his Mercedes for the weekend. [Our families were excited about our marriage - so awesome to have in-laws and family get along with and like the spouses; we had that love and support from both of our families] I put my dress in layaway and made payments. We didn't even get our rings until 2 weeks before the big day. So when I would tell people I was engaged, they would look at my hand and I would say, "I don't have my ring yet". I didn't even care about the ring...I would have married El without a ring! I was marrying my best friend. The wedding day was so special. We took my mother-in-law home after the reception and then went home to open presents and entertain guests. When our company left, we went to Taco Bell and ate it on Riverside Drive. We attended church the next day at New Salem and after church we checked into the French Quarters on Madison (which is closed now). We spent two nights there before getting back to the real world. I remember the way I felt that day and I still feel the same today...in love.

Not only do I have a wonderful husband (my son has an awesome father), but I also have wonderful in-laws which I love dearly and they love me! We all get along so well! [My mom hangs out with El's mom and his grandmother - we're all one big family].

El and I have had our share of trials, but I can't begin to explain how much I love this man. I am so blessed that God has favor on me to give me such an awesome gift - my husband.

18 years ago on November 9, 1996 I married my very best friend...the one I laugh with, cry with, and love. Happy Anniversary, baby!

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #3: There's nothing new we can learn...

Myth #3: There's nothing new we can learn...we already know everything there is to know about each other and our marriage won't change. Do you remember your childhood? Do you remember the toys you used to play with or the friends you used to have? Wow, how times have changed! You made it through puberty to adulthood and things have changed again. You've learned new things about the world and about yourself. You're finding out that there is always something new to learn. Just as your life continues to change, so will your marriage. It will continue to grow or it will become stagnant and stale. If you aren't learning new things about each other, then you're not paying close attention.

There will be obvious changes, such as outer appearance: hair, weight loss, new clothes, cologne, etc. However, there will also be some internal changes as your spouse grows closer to God, loses a job, gets a promotion, loses a family member, children leave home, etc. It's important to notice these changes and how they affect your spouse. As you grow together and learn new things, you'll build intimacy with your spouse. How interesting would it be to study your spouse and learn new and exciting things about him/her? Instead of trying to change your spouse into the person you want them to be, try appreciating them for who they are and learn new things about them. Why not learn how to be a better spouse so your marriage will continue to grow? Think about all the wonderful new discoveries you'll make about them by watching their little idiosyncrasies and learning to love those things that make your spouse who they are. God loves us just the way we are. He only tries to mold us into a reflection of Him. Why not try to see your spouse through God's lenses? You may discover just how wonderfully made they are.

Here are few tips to help you study your spouse (I'm sure you can easily add to this list):
1. Watch and study their breathing at night (I know this sounds creepy). I used to try to match the rhythm of my breathing to El's at night so that we would inhale and exhale at the same time.
2. Observe their morning routine: how they brush their teeth, shave, comb hair, etc. I love watching El in the morning as he brushes his teeth and then rinses with mouth wash and tries to hold a mumbling conversation (which by the way, I understand) with a mouth full of Listerine.
3. Listen intently to their conversation - even when you don't want to. There are so many things you can learn about a person by listening to them. Notice the inflection in their voice as they excitedly recap their day's events or talk about their favorite sports team. Not only do I listen to El, but I also try to recall the information later to let him know I was paying attention. Your spouse will know that you care about them if they feel you are listening to them. Listening also helps you discover the innermost parts of your spouse's heart. Their sharing can enlighten you to little insights you may have never known.
4. Notice the way they order food. I know that El likes extra mayonnaise on his sandwiches and no onions. He likes his steak medium well with ketchup (not steak sauce). He doesn't eat anything spicy and he doesn't drink alcohol. It's nice to know your spouse's favorite foods and how they like it prepared.
5. Take notes! Literally...write down things that you observe about your spouse to help you remember. When El and I first married, I wrote down his pants size, dress shirt size, and boxer size so I could surprise him with gifts. Keep a notebook or take notes on your phone of little things that you notice about your spouse that they would love. Such as their favorite cologne/perfume, favorite color, size of their clothes, where they like to shop, their favorite candy, etc.

Keep learning your spouse. For as long as you are married, never stop learning your spouse! There's always something new you can learn. Keep learning and watch your marriage flourish!

An Interview with the husband...

Take a moment and listen to the interview with my husband. Click here.

Don't forget about the Marriage Enrichment Conference this Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am.

God Bless!

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #2: My marriage can't be helped...

Myth #2: My marriage can't be helped...there is no hope for us. God has not changed. He is the same God yesterday as He is today! If God can raise the dead, heal the sick, cause the blind to see; then why don't you believe that He can heal your marriage? When you go to the doctor for an illness, you are expecting the doctor to give you something that will make you feel better and cure your symptoms. But what will happen if the doctor prescribes medication and you don't take it as prescribed? Chances are you won't feel better. The same is true with God. First, we have to go to Him with our symptoms (pray about our problems in the marriage) and then we have to take the medicine (obey God's Word) and expect that something will happen. There is always hope for your marriage...as long as the two of you are still breathing; there is hope!


1 Corinthians 2:11 states that, "Who ever knows what you’re thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he’s thinking, but he lets us in on it "(MSG). Your spouse cannot read your mind; therefore, if something is wrong, they will only know if you tell them. Intimacy develops as you tear down the walls of defensiveness and become naked and unashamed before your spouse (Gen. 2:25). Stop believing the lie that the enemy is telling you - that there is no hope. There is hope for your marriage. Will the journey be easy? No. Nothing in life worth having is easy. Will there be stumbling blocks and will you get sidetracked? Possibly. But just like your Christian journey to build a better relationship with God...some days are going to be better than others. Don't give up! Keep pushing! Keep praying and reading God's Word! He does hear and answer His children (Ps. 116:1). There is hope for your marriage.

Dear Lord, I ask that you bless our marriages and heal them. Whatever problems we may have, I ask that you remove them now, in the name of Jesus. I ask that you come into our homes and quicken our spirits that we will want to have a deeper relationship with you; that we will take the time to read your Word and spend time with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Don't forget to register for the upcoming Marriage Conference on October 25 @ 9:30am. For more information, go to www.godsunionmm.com.

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #1: There's nothing wrong with my marriage...

Myth #1: There's nothing wrong with my marriage... so I don't need to attend a marriage conference or class.
My husband and I started a marriage ministry in our home in 2007 because we understood the need for marriages to be strengthened. We also wanted to share our experience and let couples know that marriages can be blissful (even after infidelity)! Many couples get married only to experience a sense of dissatisfaction later and have no idea how to regain that satisfaction. Most of us expect that our spouses will change and become the person we want them to be; however, as we evolve and our desires change, we expect them to continually change. And when they don't change, we become bitter. Then what usually happens is that we become complacent in the state of dissatisfaction and believe the lie that there is nothing wrong with our marriages. Granted, there may be nothing wrong with your marriage; but why not make a good marriage great! However, if there is something wrong, why not get the tools to make it better?

When we started our ministry, we asked several couples to join us, but only two couples showed up. We don't know why the other couples did not attend; maybe they were busy or couldn't get a babysitter (or God's intervention). So for a couple of months we sat with two other couples once a month and used Gary Chapman's: A Couple's Guide to a Growing Marriage (which is now entitled: The Marriage You've Always Wanted), which would be the first tool in the handy tool kit we were building. The first chapter takes you right to God, Enhancing my conversation with God! This chapter taught us not only how to communicate with God, but also how He communicates with us. It also taught us how to develop a closer relationship with God by reading His Word and then responding to His Word. Just when I thought I knew how to have a relationship with God (because I taught Sunday School), it gets better! Now it's intentional and not just reading the bible to teach a class.

Many of us are using our parents or grandparents as examples of how to have a good marriage. But the truth of the matter is (and if you're honest) many of our parents or grandparents didn't have good marriages. They slept in separate beds (or bedrooms), they were abused or abusive (verbally, mentally or physically), they were controlled or controlling, they didn't respect each other, they didn't talk to each other, there was repeated infidelity, there was no relationship with God, and some of them were miserable but they stayed married because that's what you did back then.

So why attend a marriage conference or class? Because even if there's nothing wrong with your marriage, your marriage can become better! If you're not growing, then you're dying. Nothing stays the same. You're either progressing or regressing. Why not grow? What are you afraid of? But if there is something wrong with your marriage, wouldn't you want to make that discovery and then work to make it better? Eventually, the stuff you keep shoving under the rug is going to trip you. Our marriages won't grow if we don't "water" them.

Join us for a Marriage Enrichment Conference on Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am. This is a free event! Most conferences and workshops can cost anywhere from $25 - $200 or more (we've gone to a conference that was $179). Take advantage of this free event! Register today at www.godsunionmm.com.

Stay tuned for Myth #2...

Marriage Enrichment Conference 2014!

Join us Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am for a 
Free Marriage Enrichment Conference
New Salem Missionary Baptist Church
2237 S. Parkway East
Memphis, TN  38114
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Let's dispel the myths of marriage and renew love today! 

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 4: Renewing Purpose

     




So I told you that about 10 years ago, my husband had an adulterous affair. Well, because of that, I now know my purpose (disclaimer: you don't have to go through a traumatic event to know your purpose). Before this happened, I had a strong feeling (Holy Spirit) to start a marriage ministry; however, afterwards I didn't want to because I wasn't sure if I was even going to stay married. Now, I understand that that had to happen for me to have a testimony to help other couples understand that God can heal your marriage after infidelity. Would I say that I wanted this to happen to fulfill my purpose? Of course not! Who wants to go through turmoil and embarrassment. But God! If I knew then what I know now, I would have done some things differently. I would have forgiven quickly and I would not have sought revenge. During the process of releasing forgiveness, I sinned a lot! I had an unforgiving heart. I had a hardened heart. I wanted to walk away from my marriage. I was evil and downright disobedient to God. I also didn't have the type of relationship then that I now have with my Father (Thank You Jesus!). This experience has taught me to depend on Christ more and to be obedient in spite of my spouse. You have to be accountable for your own sins. Your spouse can't go to heaven or hell for you and they can't save you from heaven or hell. Only what you do for Christ will last (1 Cor. 9:24-27). So with that said...my husband and I have renewed our purpose in Christ. We started a marriage ministry (God's Union) in our home in 2007 and even though I was still sinning (I still had an unforgiving heart); however, I was obedient to God's tug to start ministry.[Note: I'm not perfect - I am still a sinner saved by grace]. However, after a year of starting ministry, I was still purposely sinning. But I was tormented by my sin. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. My stomach was always in knots. I was miserable. I still wanted to seek revenge and I still wanted my husband to hurt like I did. But God! In 2008 we had a "come to Jesus" meeting with our ministry and it was then that I started to see an inkling of hope and started to allow the walls of hardness to come down. There was a lot of crying during this meeting...the ministry we started to help other couples was actually helping us! Look at how God works! Just to give you some dates - the affair took place in 2003; I found out in November of 2003; started marriage ministry January 2007; it was around July 2008 that I started wanting my marriage again.

Most of us aren't married to a spouse who wants to hurt us. They don't wake up in the morning with the purpose of making our lives miserable. However, when they do hurt us, we need to seek Christ and ask our Father for help in restoring the relationship and renewing our purpose. Exodus 9:16 says: But I have spared you for a purpose—to show you my power and to spread my fame throughout the earth. Even though God was talking to Pharaoh here; I feel God was also talking to me. He spared my marriage for a purpose. I was going to walk away and miss the rewards I am now reaping. There is a purpose for your life and for your marriage. I know you think the purpose for your marriage is to make you happy. You can be happy, but you won't always be happy and there is a greater purpose that God has for your life and your marriage. Your marriage is to show God's love for the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). Now I'm not saying that in your purpose, you will start a ministry (but maybe you will); however, ask God what is it that you and your spouse are supposed to be doing to build up God's kingdom. Whether it's spreading the gospel with your loving actions toward one another or teaching a Sunday School class together, there is something that you are supposed to be doing to build up the kingdom of God. Now you can't fulfill your purpose if you don't know God. You have to get in His Word and talk to Him. You also have to be obedient to His Word. He has information for you. He wants great things for your marriage. Again, both of you need to know God. Seek Him with all your heart. Ask Him what His plans are for you. Renew your purpose with God and in your marriage. Do it today!
Check out Drs. Les and Leslie's post on The Purpose Driven Marriage .

I understand that there are many extenuating circumstances and you may not have a spouse that is willing to seek forgiveness or even turn from his/her adulterous behavior. But there is hope in God and remember sometimes separation is necessary until the other person seeks help. However, make sure that you have not sinned while trying to reconcile so if separation is needed, you will not have any regrets or feel guilty - knowing that you did all you could do to heal your marriage.

Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Are you renewing your purpose? Have you searched the scripture for your meaning on earth? What insights have you gained? How will you use your marriage to fulfill God's kingdom?

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 3: Restoring Intimacy

Gen 2:24-25 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.(NIV)

Once you've released forgiveness and started rebuilding trust, you can begin to restore intimacy. Restoring intimacy means being open and vulnerable (don't confuse this with weakness) with one another. Allow your defensive walls to come down and share intimate details of your life with your spouse. If intimacy was not there before infidelity, then take this time to build intimacy. Here are some tips to help you restore intimacy. 

1. Pray together. One of you can pray aloud for both of you or you can pray silently together. Pray for healing and pray for a better marriage.

2. Study the Word together. A good place to start is Ephesians 5. Get a study bible or a commentary and read verses together and discuss how you will apply those verses to your everyday life. 

3. Listen to a Podcast together. My husband and I usually spend Sunday mornings (while getting ready for church) listening to Podcasts as part of our morning devotion. Then we discuss them and how they relate to our lives. Suggestions for Podcasts: Marriage Today, Jimmy and Karen Evans; America's Family Coaches on OnePlace.com, Gary and Barb Rosberg; Together in the Word, Gary Chapman; there are many more. 

4. Communicate with one another. Spend some quality time, face-to-face with your spouse communicating. Turn off the TV, the phone, and close the computer and look in your spouse's eyes. Actively listen to them and respond to their comments. Communication is not one sided. Both parties have to talk and both parties have to listen and this cannot be done at the same time. Also show interest in your spouse's conversation. Your spouse will not want to share with you if he/she feels you are not interested in what they are talking about. Remember, infidelity usually occurs because one person feels devalued in the relationship (this is not an excuse; however, if you don't listen to your spouse, someone else will). 

5. Touch each other often. Physical touch builds intimacy. A simple back rub, holding hands, a kiss, or a hug can make a person feel special and that they are important. Make touching a priority; even if you're not a touchy-feely person, make a point to touch your spouse often. 

Restoring intimacy requires being in tune with your spouse. Studying them and knowing their likes and dislikes. Make your spouse a priority and restore intimacy in your marriage today. 

*Take the 5 Love Language assessment and find out you and your spouse's love language. Learn to speak your spouse's love language often. 

What do you think? On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not so good and 10 being awesome...where would you say your intimacy level is in your marriage? If you said 5 or below; which of the tips above can you start doing today to improve intimacy in your marriage? Leave a comment. Which of these five tips are you willing to commit to this week? Or share what you're already doing to improve intimacy.

Stay tuned for the final part: Renewing Purpose

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust

After we release forgiveness, we need to rebuild the trust if we want our marriage to be completely healed. Rebuilding trust can be a long and arduous process. However, in order to rebuild trust, both parties involved must be willing and submit to the Lord's Will. This is not always an easy process because when someone betrays your trust, you are expecting them to betray it again. But trust can be rebuilt. Trust me!


Finally, after many years, my husband and I have rebuilt the trust in our marriage. Often, I'm asked, "So, do you really trust him?" And I reply, "I trust God to protect me and my marriage. My husband is human and he will make mistakes. I put my trust in a perfect God!" This may sound like I don't trust him. However, I do. I'm not looking through phone records or expecting him to mess up. But he is also doing his part - by guarding my heart and keeping me informed so I won't assume or be blindsided. Rebuilding trust doesn't mean that you are a fool and will be blind to another offense. It also doesn't mean that you will continue to expect that person to mess up again. You have to turn your attention to God - a perfect God that will protect you and your marriage. People are human and we are imperfect. So we will let you down and we will mess up. That is why God sent His Son to die for our sins; because God knew that we would need new mercy and grace every day! Rebuilding trust also means the offender must be an open book with their lives (phone, email accounts, whereabouts, etc.) Trust cannot be rebuilt if secrets are constantly kept and if the offender is still unable to be located when away from his/her spouse. Remember it takes both parties to rebuild trust. And every time there is another offense, you move back to square one in rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust in your marriage means granting new mercy and grace every day. Your spouse is never going to be perfect. They are never going to do what you want them to do at the very moment you want them to do it. We rebuild trust by surrendering to God and allowing Him to get our spouse back on track. However, the offender has to make a concerted effort to rebuild trust as well. He/She can't just act like nothing happened and expect you to get over it. They have to seek reconciliation and they have to make sure they are being honest and open in the marriage. Now the key here is for both of you to have a real relationship with God. Without a relationship with God, you will not be able to grant new mercy and grace. You will not be able to have peace in your marriage after infidelity and you will constantly be waiting for your spouse to mess up again. So you may be saying well what if I have a relationship with God but my spouse doesn't, then what? Good question...then you're going to have to pray for both of you. You are going to have to stay on knees before God asking Him to heal your marriage. You are going to have to stay in the Word seeking guidance from God. Again, this is not a license for your spouse to cheat repeatedly and expect your love. If your spouse is a habitual cheater, then he/she may need to seek professional help and you may need to separate until they seek help so you won't be putting yourself at risk for STDs or emotional abuse.

Remember rebuilding trust is two-fold. Just as your marriage takes two people; so does rebuilding trust! The person offended slowly breaks down the walls of a hardened heart and the offender seeks to regain trust by being open and keeping their spouse informed. The two of you must work at rebuilding trust.
**A good book is Guard Your Heart, by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
**Here's a quick podcast on Forgiveness and Trust by Gary Chapman Click Here

What do you think? Do you think it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Read Part 3 - Restoring Intimacy

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 1- Releasing Forgiveness

You may think there is no way your marriage can be healed after adultery. Well I'm here to tell you there is hope after infidelity. How do I know? Because my marriage has healed after infidelity. Ten years ago I discovered my husband was having an adulterous affair. (Deep Breath...Sigh) ...I. Was. Devastated...to say the least. I did not think, at the time, our marriage would survive. I struggled daily with putting God's words of forgiveness into action. I even had combative discussions with God about how I can't forgive and that my husband didn't deserve my forgiveness. Whew. That's harsh! Side note: I could clearly see that my husband was sorry for his actions and he sought forgiveness daily. However, that did not make me want to release forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15 explains that we cannot be forgiven if we do not extend forgiveness. This seems so simple, right? Wrong! I mean, I can forgive you if you pull out in front of me in traffic. I can forgive you if you hit my car and put a small scratch on it. I can forgive you if you come home late and forget to call. I can forgive you if you don't do the dishes when you said you were going to do them. BUT... I can't forgive you if you talk about me behind my back. I can't forgive you if you reprimand my child for no reason. I can't forgive you if you have an affair! Forgiveness is not like Burger King. You can't have it your way. Let's look at Matthew 6:14-15 again.  The Message Bible says it like this: "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part." Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's all about you and your reconciliation to God. You can't be forgiven if you don't extend forgiveness. Now I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near perfect and I have a lot of sins that need to be forgiven. Sins that I commit every day! And I need forgiveness. Again, is this easy? No way! I told you I was having conversations with God daily about not wanting to forgive. I couldn't sleep. I lost a lot of weight (partly because of depression from the affair) because I couldn't eat. God would not let me rest. Even when I finally submitted and said that I forgave...I don't think I had in my heart and God still wouldn't let me rest. I thought, like most people, that if I held onto the pain and didn't forgive that I would be hurting the guilty party, but that wasn't the case. My husband was sleeping at night (and this infuriated me more). He might have been hurting, but he was sleeping at night. Why? Because he had made peace with God. He sought forgiveness from God and me and genuinely repented (changed and returned back to God). Still, I wanted to be mad at him and I wanted God to punish him. (Ironically, I don't want God to stay mad at me when I sin, nor do I want to be punished.) So why do we wish this on people who have offended us? Eventually, after I struggled with it...I did forgive - wholeheartedly. However, forgiveness was just the first step in our healing process. There would be more restless nights ahead and still the possibility of divorce. But God! And I mean, but God! God is truly the only reason my marriage is healed.

Forgiveness is not just saying the words. It is releasing that person from bondage. This doesn't mean we forget the offense; it's impossible to erase our memories. However, forgiveness says that we do not allow that person to have a stronghold over our lives. As long as you hold on to the offense by not forgiving, the offender has a hold on your life. And in some instances, forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile to that person. For example, you don't have to return to an abusive relationship. You can forgive your abuser and go on with your life - by not allowing yourself to be put in that abusive situation again or by separating until that person receives professional help. Forgiveness is also not a pass for someone to take you for granted. So you don't have to release forgiveness and then close your eyes or ignore future offenses (even if they are the same offenses that you've already forgiven). You can forgive and separate until that person receives professional help. Maybe they need drug or alcohol rehab; professional counseling for verbal abuse; or whatever professional help they need so they will stop being abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, or verbally) in the relationship.
**A good book about healing in marriage is Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman. (There's a PDF file for this book, here).

What do you think? Is forgiveness something you give freely? Should you offer your spouse unconditional forgiveness? Do you find it harder to forgive your spouse versus someone else? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust.

Do you and your spouse have a relationship with Christ?

by PhotoJennix Studios

Listen to the following podcast on building a relationship with Christ, then tell us how you and your spouse are building a relationship with Christ? What are you doing in your marriage to keep God at the center and how are you thriving in marriage? Go ahead and share your thoughts.

Building a relationship with Christ

Day 28 – Journal

Take a few minutes to write your honest thoughts about this challenge. Your likes and dislikes; your struggles; how you feel about yourself today in comparison to 27 days ago. You may want to leave me a comment about your thoughts. These 28 days were for you and hopefully you love yourself more today than yesterday and you will love yourself more tomorrow than you do today. You won’t have good days all the time, but hopefully you’ll have more good days than bad. Go back through this challenge again in a couple of months and repeat it as often as needed. If you need encouragement or prayer leave a comment.

Thank you for accepting this challenge. I hope that you feel better about yourself and your relationship with God.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience your presence and a renewed sense of who I am. Thank for all the women who completed this challenge. Continue to bless them greatly and give us all the encouragement we need to love the person that you made. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 27 - Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Look in the mirror. It’s been 26 days. How do you feel today? Who do you see in the mirror today? Gaze upon God’s holy creation carefully examining His wonderful works. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Meaning you have reverence for God and that He made you unique and special. Therefore, you can accept your body and the way you look because God made us special and for a special purpose. God didn’t make any mistakes when He made you.  You are not here by accident; you have a purpose. Who do you see in the mirror today? You’re God’s child; chosen and special. You are beautiful.

Thank you Lord for making me unique and special. Thank you for your love of me. Thank you for giving the power to love myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 26 – No more bad hair days

1 Corinthians 11:15
…but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering.

Ever had a bad hair day? Well don’t let today be the day. Try something different with your hair today. If you have been wearing it down, pin it up. If you have been wearing it up, let it down. Even if it’s a small change like pulling your bangs back or adding kiss curls, try something different. Be a free spirit. Whether your hair is long or short, thick or think – rock it like there’s no tomorrow. You are beautiful.

Thank you Lord for my beauty and for my crowning glory. Lord, whatever needs I have for my hair, let your will be done. Make my hair healthy. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 25 – Free day

Ecclesiastes 7:14
In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other…

Enjoy doing whatever you want to do today. Rest, relax, go to the mall, sleep…whatever you want to do, do it! (Don’t skip work, unless you have some sick days saved up). Enjoy your day.

Thank you Lord for a day of rest; a day of doing whatever. However, remind us to give you all the glory and praises. In Jesus’ name, Amen.