The "In love" phenomenon...is it just a myth?

Do you know what it feels like to be in love? I do! I don't even know if I have the words to describe this feeling. However, I will say that being in love comes with risks. Because in order to achieve this "in love" feeling, you have to open yourself up to the vulnerability that comes with it. You have to let your guard down and take off the masks. You have to be exposed. And sometimes exposure can leave you unprotected. That can be scary. Especially if you've been hurt before in your past. 

Before I met El, I knew hurt. It lived on my street. It parked it's car in my garage. However, the more I got to know El, I was able to kick hurt to the curb and say good riddance forever. ...Or at least that's what I thought. When we first got together, I exposed myself to El in a way I had never exposed myself before. I was completely vulnerable and open. I took off the "bullet proof vest" that covered my frail heart and tossed it in the garbage. I was free. I was open. I was ...well...I was in love. ...And...then...my whole world came crashing down. Like Sade says...it hit me like a slow bullet (Where was that dang vest? Oh I had tossed it in the garbage). I was so in love with you. You rarely see a love that's true. Wasn't that enough for you? Wasn't that enough for you? I would climb a mountain. I wouldn't want to see you fall. Rock climb for you and give you a reason for it all. ...hit me like a slow bullet...

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

So I ask you again...is the "in love" phenomenon a myth? Is there such a thing as being truly in love? I think so! Yes! But if you never take off your bullet proof vest and open your heart, you'll never truly experience it. I will admit I had to get another bullet proof vest after I got hit. In fact, I didn't just get another vest, I built a brick wall around my heart. Impenetrable, just like Fort Knox. I had a heart of stone. Not even cupid's arrow could break through. But God! (God can always break through) God restored our marriage and restored our love. Not only do we love each other, but we are in love with each other. 

Once again, I tossed that bullet proof vest aside. Why? To truly experience love again. And this time...well this time, it's so much better than before. If I was wearing the vest this time around, I wouldn't be able to feel the penetration of El's arrow to my heart. So am I open? Yes! Wide open. Will I get hurt again? I don't know. It's possible because I'm exposed. But that is a risk I'm willing to take for love. True love can only occur when you are wide open. So El, hit me with your best shot. Fire away!  

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #3: There's nothing new we can learn...

Myth #3: There's nothing new we can learn...we already know everything there is to know about each other and our marriage won't change. Do you remember your childhood? Do you remember the toys you used to play with or the friends you used to have? Wow, how times have changed! You made it through puberty to adulthood and things have changed again. You've learned new things about the world and about yourself. You're finding out that there is always something new to learn. Just as your life continues to change, so will your marriage. It will continue to grow or it will become stagnant and stale. If you aren't learning new things about each other, then you're not paying close attention.

There will be obvious changes, such as outer appearance: hair, weight loss, new clothes, cologne, etc. However, there will also be some internal changes as your spouse grows closer to God, loses a job, gets a promotion, loses a family member, children leave home, etc. It's important to notice these changes and how they affect your spouse. As you grow together and learn new things, you'll build intimacy with your spouse. How interesting would it be to study your spouse and learn new and exciting things about him/her? Instead of trying to change your spouse into the person you want them to be, try appreciating them for who they are and learn new things about them. Why not learn how to be a better spouse so your marriage will continue to grow? Think about all the wonderful new discoveries you'll make about them by watching their little idiosyncrasies and learning to love those things that make your spouse who they are. God loves us just the way we are. He only tries to mold us into a reflection of Him. Why not try to see your spouse through God's lenses? You may discover just how wonderfully made they are.

Here are few tips to help you study your spouse (I'm sure you can easily add to this list):
1. Watch and study their breathing at night (I know this sounds creepy). I used to try to match the rhythm of my breathing to El's at night so that we would inhale and exhale at the same time.
2. Observe their morning routine: how they brush their teeth, shave, comb hair, etc. I love watching El in the morning as he brushes his teeth and then rinses with mouth wash and tries to hold a mumbling conversation (which by the way, I understand) with a mouth full of Listerine.
3. Listen intently to their conversation - even when you don't want to. There are so many things you can learn about a person by listening to them. Notice the inflection in their voice as they excitedly recap their day's events or talk about their favorite sports team. Not only do I listen to El, but I also try to recall the information later to let him know I was paying attention. Your spouse will know that you care about them if they feel you are listening to them. Listening also helps you discover the innermost parts of your spouse's heart. Their sharing can enlighten you to little insights you may have never known.
4. Notice the way they order food. I know that El likes extra mayonnaise on his sandwiches and no onions. He likes his steak medium well with ketchup (not steak sauce). He doesn't eat anything spicy and he doesn't drink alcohol. It's nice to know your spouse's favorite foods and how they like it prepared.
5. Take notes! Literally...write down things that you observe about your spouse to help you remember. When El and I first married, I wrote down his pants size, dress shirt size, and boxer size so I could surprise him with gifts. Keep a notebook or take notes on your phone of little things that you notice about your spouse that they would love. Such as their favorite cologne/perfume, favorite color, size of their clothes, where they like to shop, their favorite candy, etc.

Keep learning your spouse. For as long as you are married, never stop learning your spouse! There's always something new you can learn. Keep learning and watch your marriage flourish!

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #2: My marriage can't be helped...

Myth #2: My marriage can't be helped...there is no hope for us. God has not changed. He is the same God yesterday as He is today! If God can raise the dead, heal the sick, cause the blind to see; then why don't you believe that He can heal your marriage? When you go to the doctor for an illness, you are expecting the doctor to give you something that will make you feel better and cure your symptoms. But what will happen if the doctor prescribes medication and you don't take it as prescribed? Chances are you won't feel better. The same is true with God. First, we have to go to Him with our symptoms (pray about our problems in the marriage) and then we have to take the medicine (obey God's Word) and expect that something will happen. There is always hope for your marriage...as long as the two of you are still breathing; there is hope!


1 Corinthians 2:11 states that, "Who ever knows what you’re thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he’s thinking, but he lets us in on it "(MSG). Your spouse cannot read your mind; therefore, if something is wrong, they will only know if you tell them. Intimacy develops as you tear down the walls of defensiveness and become naked and unashamed before your spouse (Gen. 2:25). Stop believing the lie that the enemy is telling you - that there is no hope. There is hope for your marriage. Will the journey be easy? No. Nothing in life worth having is easy. Will there be stumbling blocks and will you get sidetracked? Possibly. But just like your Christian journey to build a better relationship with God...some days are going to be better than others. Don't give up! Keep pushing! Keep praying and reading God's Word! He does hear and answer His children (Ps. 116:1). There is hope for your marriage.

Dear Lord, I ask that you bless our marriages and heal them. Whatever problems we may have, I ask that you remove them now, in the name of Jesus. I ask that you come into our homes and quicken our spirits that we will want to have a deeper relationship with you; that we will take the time to read your Word and spend time with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Don't forget to register for the upcoming Marriage Conference on October 25 @ 9:30am. For more information, go to www.godsunionmm.com.

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #1: There's nothing wrong with my marriage...

Myth #1: There's nothing wrong with my marriage... so I don't need to attend a marriage conference or class.
My husband and I started a marriage ministry in our home in 2007 because we understood the need for marriages to be strengthened. We also wanted to share our experience and let couples know that marriages can be blissful (even after infidelity)! Many couples get married only to experience a sense of dissatisfaction later and have no idea how to regain that satisfaction. Most of us expect that our spouses will change and become the person we want them to be; however, as we evolve and our desires change, we expect them to continually change. And when they don't change, we become bitter. Then what usually happens is that we become complacent in the state of dissatisfaction and believe the lie that there is nothing wrong with our marriages. Granted, there may be nothing wrong with your marriage; but why not make a good marriage great! However, if there is something wrong, why not get the tools to make it better?

When we started our ministry, we asked several couples to join us, but only two couples showed up. We don't know why the other couples did not attend; maybe they were busy or couldn't get a babysitter (or God's intervention). So for a couple of months we sat with two other couples once a month and used Gary Chapman's: A Couple's Guide to a Growing Marriage (which is now entitled: The Marriage You've Always Wanted), which would be the first tool in the handy tool kit we were building. The first chapter takes you right to God, Enhancing my conversation with God! This chapter taught us not only how to communicate with God, but also how He communicates with us. It also taught us how to develop a closer relationship with God by reading His Word and then responding to His Word. Just when I thought I knew how to have a relationship with God (because I taught Sunday School), it gets better! Now it's intentional and not just reading the bible to teach a class.

Many of us are using our parents or grandparents as examples of how to have a good marriage. But the truth of the matter is (and if you're honest) many of our parents or grandparents didn't have good marriages. They slept in separate beds (or bedrooms), they were abused or abusive (verbally, mentally or physically), they were controlled or controlling, they didn't respect each other, they didn't talk to each other, there was repeated infidelity, there was no relationship with God, and some of them were miserable but they stayed married because that's what you did back then.

So why attend a marriage conference or class? Because even if there's nothing wrong with your marriage, your marriage can become better! If you're not growing, then you're dying. Nothing stays the same. You're either progressing or regressing. Why not grow? What are you afraid of? But if there is something wrong with your marriage, wouldn't you want to make that discovery and then work to make it better? Eventually, the stuff you keep shoving under the rug is going to trip you. Our marriages won't grow if we don't "water" them.

Join us for a Marriage Enrichment Conference on Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am. This is a free event! Most conferences and workshops can cost anywhere from $25 - $200 or more (we've gone to a conference that was $179). Take advantage of this free event! Register today at www.godsunionmm.com.

Stay tuned for Myth #2...