Are you still learning your spouse?

Have you ever been fixated on a object or a thought and wanted to find out everything you could about it? Such as a familiar actor that you notice on TV but can't remember his name. So you go straight to Google to look up the movie and find the actor's name and other movies that they've starred in. It becomes an obsession. Or what about your favorite sports team or player? You want to know their stats and what other teams they've played on. You study to find out as much information as you can to become knowledgeable about the subject.

Have you ever considered becoming a lifetime student of your spouse? Imagine a marriage where you are constantly learning how to please your spouse and your spouse is constantly learning how to please you. You come home tired and surprised by a bubble bath. You initiate sexual intimacy because you know they need a release. You take your spouse to their favorite restaurant and order their favorite food. You plan a date that is memorable. Your spouse calls or texts you throughout the day to say they love you. Your spouse leaves love notes lying around the house or hidden in special places just for you. You laugh and joke with each other and have little quirky sayings that only the two of you understand. You know when something is wrong with your spouse and you do your best to make them feel better (without fixing it). You study your spouse and want to know how to please him/her on a daily basis.

So how do you get this point in your marriage?
1. Pay close attention to the little things. 
Listen to the little things your spouse says to you. Such as when they mention a favorite song, food, or scent. Make a mental note of how you may surprise your spouse with a little gift or a date based on the little things they've mentioned.
2. Keep a note pad.
Use a note pad or the notes on your phone to jot down those little things that you hear your spouse talking about so you can use them later to plan surprises. Writing down this information is important, especially if you don't have a good memory. You may want to write down sizes and favorite clothing stores.
3. Ask a ton of questions.
Ask your spouse about their ideal date or what their favorite part of a date is. Find out what interests your spouse and what things they like to do. Make sure you take notes. Get to know your spouse on a more intimate level. Become a private eye for your spouse.  

Use the following acronym to help you remember to study your spouse.
S - Study and observe your spouse by watching them closely
T - Think about their feelings and what things make them happy
U - Use information to plan dates or give gifts
D - Discover new and exciting things about your spouse
Y - You will become the spouse God wants you to be

Now go to work! It's nice to have all this information, but make sure you get out of the huddle and put the play into action! It doesn't do any good if learn your spouse but never use this information to brighten their lives.

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 2 of 2

6. It's okay if you haven't accomplished your goals - don't give up! (This one is for me). I didn't want to go into my 40's overweight. However, 4 years into my 40's I'm still trying to lose weight. I was starting to get a little down as December 1st rolled around and I realized I was just a week a way from yet another year of not having accomplished a goal that I set. Well I must like the way I am because if I really wanted to make a change, I would. But I'm not giving up! If you have goals you're trying to accomplish, don't give up until you accomplish them and then strive for another goal. Make a few small goals to help you feel accomplished until you reach your big goal. Establish some consequences and rewards along the way to help you stay on track. Whether you want to lose weight, write a book, read the whole bible, learn to cook, or whatever - you can do it! Don't give up!

7. Money isn't everything! So many people work 80 hours a week trying to make a lucrative salary to buy things to impress people that don't care. Money won't buy time with your family and can't buy the love of your significant other. Learn to live within your means and be good stewards over what God has given you. If you feel you are still in need, ask God to provide. You can't take the money with you when you die; so enjoy the life you've been given and spend quality time with family and friends. 

8. Sex is important in marriage. Sexual intimacy is not just important for men, but it's important for women as well. Women need sexual intimacy more than they may think. Put down your long list of things to do and please your spouse. Be spontaneous and enjoy each other in different areas of the house and in different positions. Explore one another and learn new sensual spots. Sex is important in marriage. 

9. Love is an action not a feeling. Love means doing something to show your love. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins. You can't love your spouse without ever doing anything to show that you love them. Show them your love everyday. Give them a card, cook dinner, make the bed, give them a foot rub or back rub, hold their hand, hug them, and spend time with them, etc. Love your spouse with action not just by telling them. 

10. Surround yourself by loving, godly people. It's important to have others around you that will keep you in line with God's Word and hold you accountable. God designed us for relationships. The enemy wants us to isolate and feel as if we are alone in this world. Surround yourself with other godly people and as a married couple, surround yourself with other godly married people. Hold each other accountable without judgment and pray for one another. 

As I celebrate 44 years...I can say that I am truly pleased with my life right now. I'm in love with a wonderful man. I have an awesome son, that I am so proud of. I am grateful for God's blessings and His favor. I am surrounded by great friends and family. And I am excited to be in God's presence all day! 

Thank you for sharing this day with me. 
Z

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 1 of 2

I will celebrate my 44th birthday Monday, December 8, 2014. And as I reflect on the past 44 years, I wanted to share some things that I've learned along the way.


1. It's okay if you haven't quite decided what you want to do with your life just yet. I thought I wanted to be a nurse and so when I graduated from high school, I went straight to college bound to be an R.N. Well 12 years later, I finally graduated with an English degree. I then thought I wanted to be a writer; however, I was encouraged to teach. 11 years later, I was back in school again pursuing a counseling degree. My family says my career is "professional student", but it took me a while to hear God's voice and understand that my calling is counseling - specifically marriage counseling. But if I didn't go down those different paths, I wouldn't know what I know now nor would I have met some of the people I was supposed to meet along the way and have the experiences I was supposed to have. Pray and ask God what your career path should be in order to fulfill His purpose to build the kingdom. Then ask God to help you along the way.


2. Your marriage is not going to be a story book or fantasy.  I married my very best friend and when he cheated, I thought it was the end of the world. I believed the lie that Satan told me - because there is a tarnish on your marriage, it will never be great. Well, the devil is a lie! Not only is my marriage great, but it is way better than before. Do we still argue or have conflict? Yes. Is it perfect? No. But the difference is we have tools that we use to resolve conflict quickly and we forgive often. It's not a story book or fantasy marriage, but it is as close to heavenly as humanly possible.

3. God is Real and He can be Trusted! People say all the time that they believe in God and that they have faith, but do they really believe? Are we willing to walk out there when we don't know the direction? Are we willing to do some crazy, silly things because God said so? I haven't always fully trusted, but I've always heard His voice. There were times when I tried to bargain with Him and suggest other options; however, His way is always the best way! I left my teaching job after 11 years to pursue counseling because I believed God. I started a marriage ministry because I believed in God. He is real and He can be trusted, even when you don't feel His presence. Start every morning with Him and end every day with Him and see the difference He makes in your life.

4. The only opinion that really matters is yours.  I was watching an episode of Law & Order in which 3 girls kidnapped, tortured, and killed a 4th girl. Now the 2 girls who went along with this had a choice. They could go along (as they did) or they could go the other way. How many times have you gone along with the in crowd because you didn't want to be shunned or because you wanted to be popular? It's okay to have a mind of your own and be your own person. In the end, your opinion is really the only opinion that matters. You don't have to please anyone but God! Be yourself! Love yourself! And stand up for your beliefs, even if you are standing alone! If you lose some friends along the way...they might not have been true friends and you're better off without them. "Do you, boo boo!"

5. It's important to spend quality time with your children. Our son is 23 years and the older he gets, the more I love him. I get to observe him reading his bible and praising God. I get to see him appreciate his parents and others - never taking anyone for granted or feeling that he is obligated to receive kindness from others. He does the dishes, vacuums, cleans the bathroom, and washes his own clothes without anyone having to tell him (well sometimes). He's not afraid to

hug his dad or kiss his mom in public. He still loves hanging around his parents and is eager to tell us about his day. He doesn't mind the pet names that we call him (like Squishy & Pookiemon). He still gets in the bed with us and asks his famous question, "So what are we doing tonight?" He continues to make us laugh on a daily basis. He's not afraid to be his own person and stand up for what he believes even if he is standing alone. Spend time, real time with your children. Listen to them. Talk to them. Enjoy their company. They grow up so fast and when they're grown, you still want to be able to enjoy them.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - of what I've learned.