The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 4: keeping the marriage alive

Remember, I stated that other parts of our body can be injured and we can still survive. However, if the heart stops the body dies. When a person is comatose, they are hooked up to a breathing machine to keep them alive. Many comatose patients can live for years as long as they are connected to the breathing machine. There have even been cases of comatose patients becoming impregnated and giving birth to healthy babies. But once the machine is disconnected, the patient dies.

The lifeless marriage (or any marriage) must stay connected to God in order to stay alive. Once you disconnect from God, your marriage starts to die. Not only do you need to stay connected to God; but you also need to apply His statutes. God's book (the bible) gives us the tools we need to have the marriage God intends for us. The problem is that many of us don't utilize the statutes from the Word. Instead we utilize the principles from the World.

The Word says:	The World says:
Two become one (Genesis 2:24)	Two remain two – live separate lives
Naked & unashamed (Genesis 2:25)	Naked & shame – keep secrets/don’t be transparent because you can get hurt
Don’t fornicate (1 Corinthians 6:18)	Sex is not sacred – sow your oats; test the waters before marriage to see if you’re compatible sexually
Marriage is serious & sacred (Mark 10:9)	Marriage is not that important; if you aren’t happy just get a divorce
Husband, satisfy your wife and wife, satisfy your husband sexually (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)	Every man (or woman) for himself; selfish love is alright
Husbands love your wives (Ephesians 5:33)	Husbands don’t have to sacrifice – it’s whatever he wants
Wives respect your husbands (Ephesians 5:33)	Wives emasculate your husband – he doesn’t deserve respect
Think before you speak (James 1:19)	You don’t have to guard your tongue; speak your mind
Be kind and forgiving (Ephesians 4:32)	Hold grudges and make your spouse pay for their wrongs

In order to keep your marriage alive, you must refrain from following the world's guidelines. You have to stay connected to God if you want to be prosperous (John 15:1-8). Your marriage needs God! You can't do this without Him.

Here are a few tips to keeping your marriage alive:

1. Communicate daily - I can't stress this enough! God made us relational creatures (Genesis 2:18). We enjoy and need the company of others. In your marriage, your spouse should get most of your attention. No one or no thing should ever come before your spouse. Keep your spouse informed (of all things); be transparent (Genesis 2:25). Tell your spouse your feelings, fears, dreams, and hopes. And listen intently. 

2. Spend time together - this should be obvious, but you will be surprised how many married couples do not spend time together. She has her own set of friends and hangs out with them. He has hobbies that pull him away from her. Spend as much time together as possible. With all the time you spend at work, caring for children, or other things, you need time with just your spouse.

3. Pray together - you will build intimacy with each other and with God. Take your issues to God and thank God for your successes. Do a devotional together. Share bible verses with each other. Don't scold one another on how little he/she may know about the bible, but share information to build intimacy. 

4. Have sex often - sexual intimacy draws us closer to our spouse (Genesis 4:1). God wants you to enjoy sexual intercourse. In the confounds of marriage, it's all good! Sexual intimacy also lessens the chance of temptation (1 Corinthians 7:5). 

5. Love and respect each other - Ephesians 5:33 speaks of husbands loving wives and wives respecting husbands. Husbands, ask your wife what you can do to love her like she needs to be loved. You may even want to have her take the 5 Love Languages quiz to find her love language. Wives, ask your husband how you can be respectful and ask him to identify times when you've been disrespectful in the past (so you can correct that behavior). 

The most important thing is to apply God's word in your marriage and apply practical tools to help your marriage thrive and stay alive. El and I have to work every day at making our marriage intentional. We ask each other often if there are areas we need to improve. We pray together. We discuss devotions with one another. We spend a lot of time together. We laugh. We are transparent with one another. We aren't perfect and we still have moments where we have small arguments/disagreements; but we've learned to forgive quickly and often. We've learned to put God in the center. He is the third cord in our marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Thank you for reading this series. I hope you have been able to bring life back to your marriage. If you have a success story, please share it below in the comments section. We'd love to hear from you. 

May God bless your union! 

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 3: resuscitate the marriage

When a person stops breathing or their heart stops, CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation) is performed to restore the person's life. A person trained in CPR knows there are steps to doing CPR correctly in order to save the lifeless person. First, they must call 911 for help. If the lifeless person is unresponsive, a trained person knows to act quickly and call for help. Secondly, the trained person must pump the chest. If the victim is still unresponsive, the chest must be pumped 30 times (hard and fast) to revive the heart. Thirdly, the trained person will blow twice in the victim's mouth by tilting back the head, lifting the chin slightly, pinching the nose, and blowing into the mouth until you see the chest rise and fall. The trained person repeats this until help comes or until life is restored.

CPR is important in order to save the victim's life. But what happens when our marriage shows no sign of life? It's time for CPR...
1. Call for help. There are times when you and your spouse need a third party to help you resolve conflicts or get back on the right track (Titus 2:2-6). However, you should understand that you and your spouse are going to have to do the hard work of sustaining your marriage. Seeking outside assistance is just that - assistance. Other people cannot do the work for you and your spouse. El and I mentor couples all the time and that is the first thing we tell them; that we are here to guide you, but the real work and success will be determined by what you do after this meeting. El and I have had to seek help in the past. We also attend marriage conferences to keep our marriage tools sharpened. Marriage is work and there will be times when you need some assistance, but remember you and your spouse have to do the real work. 
2. Pump the heart. The human heart pumps blood throughout the whole body. It supplies oxygen and nutrients to the tissues and removes carbon dioxide along with other waste. It is so important that it is protected behind the breastplate. Most people can survive injuries to other body parts; but if the heart is damaged, chances of survival are slim. In our marriages, the heart is where our emotions lie. However, in a lifeless marriage, it can feel as if the heart is damaged or dead. In order to resuscitate the heart, you will need to pump life back into it. You can do this by spending quality time with your spouse, speaking their love language, have meaningful conversations, listen intently to one another, and romancing your spouse. Sexual intimacy also plays a part in pumping the heart. A good way to give your heart an electrical shock is through sexual intimacy. You will also need to eliminate waste from marriage. Keep other people out of your marriage that mean to do harm (i.e. messy people, opposite sex friends, or family) [Mark 10:9]. Keep the heart of your marriage pumping vibrantly. Work on your marriage. Don't damage your spouse's heart. Safeguard your marriage and your spouse's heart. 
3. Resuscitate. Resuscitate the marriage by putting God first in your marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Your marriage will remain lifeless until you place God in the center. Placing God in the center doesn't mean just saying He is in the center. Your actions should show that He is in the center. How much time are you spending with God? Having Him in the center does not mean that you only talk to God on Sunday or when you are in trouble. It also doesn't mean that you only read His word during Sunday School or Bible Study. A relationship with Christ is ongoing and the more time you spend with God, the more time you'll want to spend with Him. As I've stated before, you can't pretend to have a relationship with God; you must have a real relationship! Does having a relationship mean that everything will always be wonderful? No, never! El and I still have conflict and we still get angry at times; however, the difference is now we don't stay angry for long and we resolve our conflicts quickly. We practice unconditional forgiveness and we are quick to forgive (Ephesians 4:32). We don't hold grudges and we share our feelings. We are transparent with each other. We pray together. We invite God in the midst of our marriage in every situation and occasion. God is the only one who can revive your marriage! You can't do it alone! Seek God (Matthew 6:33) to resuscitate your marriage.

Have you and your spouse had to resuscitate a lifeless marriage? If so, what tools did you use? If your marriage needs resuscitating, perform CPR now. Don't wait until it's too late. Every second counts. Don't wait until your lifeless marriage is completely dead. Resuscitate it now!

Stay tuned for the final part, part 4: keeping the love alive.

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 2: isolation and separation.

A lifeless marriage happens when we disregard the sanctity of marriage and begin to take our spouse for granted. This usually doesn't happen over night; most times it's so gradual we don't realize it's happening. 

In the beginning, we spend time together, fall in love, get married and then life happens. We go to work every day. We have children. We deal with life's uncertainties. We go back to school. We get a promotion. We change jobs. We work too much. Our kids get involved in extracurricular activities. We buy a house. We lose a job. We graduate. We get sick. You get the point? Life happens. Over time, we can begin to isolate and separate ourselves from our spouse. Slowly. One day at a time. One life activity at a time. First, we say, "I deserve this promotion. I worked hard." Then you begin to spend more time at work than at home. You start bringing your work home with you. Your spouse comes home and goes to one room while you hibernate in another. This becomes the daily routine. There are no date nights. There is no physical closeness. There is no quality time. There are no sweet conversations throughout the day. You are living your own life and so is your spouse. You have isolated yourself from the marriage and separated from your spouse. 

I don't think El and I ever got to a place of complete isolation and separation; however, we were pretty close. When I was a first year teacher, I was also working on a Master's degree. Many of my nights were spent in the study room working on lesson plans, grading papers, and doing homework. I wanted to spend time with El but I also knew I had to get my work done to be successful. My priorities were out of focus. My marriage should have been my first priority. So how do you find time (at least 2.5 hours/day) and how do you refrain from isolation in your marriage? It's not easy especially if you have children. During that time I was teaching and going to school, CJ was in 3rd grade. So there were times when he needed help with homework and projects. There were times that El and I tried to take advantage of holidays; however, those also caused a problem because he wanted to spend time with his family and I wanted to spend time with just him. Again, we didn't know how to effectively communicate our needs and this tension only created more isolation and separation. 

Today; fortunately, we have learned how to manage our time so we won't slip into isolation and separation. El is in school full time and working full time; however, he gets most of his homework done at work and then finishes what's needed at home. I'm currently studying to take the counseling exam as well as trying to keep our blog, website, podcasts, and other social media sites current. So how do we keep from falling into the isolation trap? We have a standing date night every Saturday and I recognize when El's tired and needs to stay in. We discuss our devotions in the morning. We spend time talking throughout the day on Yahoo Instant Messenger. We call each other a few times a day as well and send cute text notes. We spend time catching up when we come home at night and then we have pillow talk before bed. You may be thinking 'wow, that's a lot'. However, for us it's awesome! We are making our marriage intentional and we are making each other a priority. Sometimes, we turn off the phones so we aren't disturbed. With all the time we spend together, it doesn't leave much time outside of that for anything else - including the enemy and temptations. 

The enemy wants to isolate and separate you from your spouse. His goal is to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). He does not want your marriage to prosper. However, God ordained marriage (Genesis 2:24-25) and He wants your marriage to flourish. He has a purpose for your marriage. He wants you and your spouse to become one (Mark 10:8). He wants your marriage to represent God's love for the church. Just as we should spend ample time with Christ (reading His word, praying, and applying His statutes); we should also spend adequate time with our spouse (talking, being sexually intimate, and responding to each other's needs). 

Is your marriage on the way toward isolation and separation? If so, how can you return to oneness? If not, what are doing to keep from drifting apart? Share one specific tool that you and your spouse are using to create oneness and stop the drift toward isolation and separation. 

Stay tuned for part 3: resuscitate the marriage. 

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 1: from blissfulness to dissfulness

On November 9, 1996, El and I were married and life couldn't seem to get any better. However, the next year seemed disastrous. We argued a lot, to say the least. We argued about everything, mostly about our son CJ. CJ, remembering one of our arguments, asked us why we were arguing about who was going to take him to school. He knew the argument wasn't really about who was taking him to school; it was greater than that. He was right. I don't remember now what that argument was about but I'm sure it was something stupid. The point is most of us don't really have any idea how to be married when we first get married. I had a few ideas of my own. I knew that I wanted to cook for my husband. I knew that I wanted to be a good homemaker. I knew that I wanted to spend time (a lot of time) with my husband. I yearned for that close relationship with a man, which is why I wanted to marry El in the first place because we were best friends before we married. I enjoyed the closeness we shared. I liked the idea of having my best friend wake up with me every morning and go to bed with me each night. 

The only thing is I don't know if El shared the same idea of marriage as I did. He had just turned 21 and for him life was just beginning. He still hung out with his friends or they hung out at our house (more than they should have for us being newlyweds). The fact that I cooked didn't make it any better because he invited them to come eat with us often. Neither one of us knew how to express our feelings in an effective way that we could both clearly understand. I didn't know how to tell him I wanted time alone with him and he didn't know how to express his needs effectively. Instead, we just yelled at each other, got upset, and then there were times that I wanted to be violent (this is the behavior I'd seen from my father) because I thought that was how to get my point across. Other times we would hold grudges and not speak for days. We didn't know how to handle conflict. We went from wedded bliss to wedded diss. We started taking our marriage for granted; not really knowing how to have more good days than bad. 

We had a little foundation; we were going to church every Sunday and even taking notes. However, we never read the bible during the week (2 Tim. 2:15). We never did any devotions. We never listened to sermons outside of church. We hardly ever prayed together. I remember when I started teaching Sunday School, I was thinking this will make me study the Word more. However, that was not the case. I did not start studying more. In fact, I just studied Saturday night. Soon after I started teaching, El was asked to teach Sunday School. Great, right! That's what I thought. I thought we would start studying the word together. But that did not happen either. I was in school and he was working and life just got in the way. So we would study on Saturday nights. By this time we had been married about 4 years. We were discussing renewing our wedding vows for our 5 year anniversary; but that did not happen because the pastor was out of town. So we renewed our vows the following year (6 year anniversary). Well let's just say this is when all hell broke loose. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but the enemy crept into our marriage and ripped it all to pieces (John 10:10). The following year (2003), right before our 7 year anniversary I found out about El's infidelity. 

We were just doing life. Going to work. Going to school. Going through life without really making our marriage intentional. There were moments of cards, flowers, balloons, poems, etc. but those things didn't make up for the absence of quality time, physical touch, or safeguards. A lifeless marriage is right around the corner if you're not careful. You can wake up from the honeymoon and walk right into divorce. 

Today, El and I have a thirst for the word. We study the bible. We have morning devotions. We pray together often. We spend a lot of time together. We make our marriage intentional and we make each other a priority.  

What are you doing to keep from having a lifeless marriage? Share one specific thing you and your spouse do to keep the spark.

Stay tuned for part 2: isolation and separation.  

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 2 of 2

6. It's okay if you haven't accomplished your goals - don't give up! (This one is for me). I didn't want to go into my 40's overweight. However, 4 years into my 40's I'm still trying to lose weight. I was starting to get a little down as December 1st rolled around and I realized I was just a week a way from yet another year of not having accomplished a goal that I set. Well I must like the way I am because if I really wanted to make a change, I would. But I'm not giving up! If you have goals you're trying to accomplish, don't give up until you accomplish them and then strive for another goal. Make a few small goals to help you feel accomplished until you reach your big goal. Establish some consequences and rewards along the way to help you stay on track. Whether you want to lose weight, write a book, read the whole bible, learn to cook, or whatever - you can do it! Don't give up!

7. Money isn't everything! So many people work 80 hours a week trying to make a lucrative salary to buy things to impress people that don't care. Money won't buy time with your family and can't buy the love of your significant other. Learn to live within your means and be good stewards over what God has given you. If you feel you are still in need, ask God to provide. You can't take the money with you when you die; so enjoy the life you've been given and spend quality time with family and friends. 

8. Sex is important in marriage. Sexual intimacy is not just important for men, but it's important for women as well. Women need sexual intimacy more than they may think. Put down your long list of things to do and please your spouse. Be spontaneous and enjoy each other in different areas of the house and in different positions. Explore one another and learn new sensual spots. Sex is important in marriage. 

9. Love is an action not a feeling. Love means doing something to show your love. God loved us so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins. You can't love your spouse without ever doing anything to show that you love them. Show them your love everyday. Give them a card, cook dinner, make the bed, give them a foot rub or back rub, hold their hand, hug them, and spend time with them, etc. Love your spouse with action not just by telling them. 

10. Surround yourself by loving, godly people. It's important to have others around you that will keep you in line with God's Word and hold you accountable. God designed us for relationships. The enemy wants us to isolate and feel as if we are alone in this world. Surround yourself with other godly people and as a married couple, surround yourself with other godly married people. Hold each other accountable without judgment and pray for one another. 

As I celebrate 44 years...I can say that I am truly pleased with my life right now. I'm in love with a wonderful man. I have an awesome son, that I am so proud of. I am grateful for God's blessings and His favor. I am surrounded by great friends and family. And I am excited to be in God's presence all day! 

Thank you for sharing this day with me. 
Z

What I've learned in 44 years...Part 1 of 2

I will celebrate my 44th birthday Monday, December 8, 2014. And as I reflect on the past 44 years, I wanted to share some things that I've learned along the way.


1. It's okay if you haven't quite decided what you want to do with your life just yet. I thought I wanted to be a nurse and so when I graduated from high school, I went straight to college bound to be an R.N. Well 12 years later, I finally graduated with an English degree. I then thought I wanted to be a writer; however, I was encouraged to teach. 11 years later, I was back in school again pursuing a counseling degree. My family says my career is "professional student", but it took me a while to hear God's voice and understand that my calling is counseling - specifically marriage counseling. But if I didn't go down those different paths, I wouldn't know what I know now nor would I have met some of the people I was supposed to meet along the way and have the experiences I was supposed to have. Pray and ask God what your career path should be in order to fulfill His purpose to build the kingdom. Then ask God to help you along the way.


2. Your marriage is not going to be a story book or fantasy.  I married my very best friend and when he cheated, I thought it was the end of the world. I believed the lie that Satan told me - because there is a tarnish on your marriage, it will never be great. Well, the devil is a lie! Not only is my marriage great, but it is way better than before. Do we still argue or have conflict? Yes. Is it perfect? No. But the difference is we have tools that we use to resolve conflict quickly and we forgive often. It's not a story book or fantasy marriage, but it is as close to heavenly as humanly possible.

3. God is Real and He can be Trusted! People say all the time that they believe in God and that they have faith, but do they really believe? Are we willing to walk out there when we don't know the direction? Are we willing to do some crazy, silly things because God said so? I haven't always fully trusted, but I've always heard His voice. There were times when I tried to bargain with Him and suggest other options; however, His way is always the best way! I left my teaching job after 11 years to pursue counseling because I believed God. I started a marriage ministry because I believed in God. He is real and He can be trusted, even when you don't feel His presence. Start every morning with Him and end every day with Him and see the difference He makes in your life.

4. The only opinion that really matters is yours.  I was watching an episode of Law & Order in which 3 girls kidnapped, tortured, and killed a 4th girl. Now the 2 girls who went along with this had a choice. They could go along (as they did) or they could go the other way. How many times have you gone along with the in crowd because you didn't want to be shunned or because you wanted to be popular? It's okay to have a mind of your own and be your own person. In the end, your opinion is really the only opinion that matters. You don't have to please anyone but God! Be yourself! Love yourself! And stand up for your beliefs, even if you are standing alone! If you lose some friends along the way...they might not have been true friends and you're better off without them. "Do you, boo boo!"

5. It's important to spend quality time with your children. Our son is 23 years and the older he gets, the more I love him. I get to observe him reading his bible and praising God. I get to see him appreciate his parents and others - never taking anyone for granted or feeling that he is obligated to receive kindness from others. He does the dishes, vacuums, cleans the bathroom, and washes his own clothes without anyone having to tell him (well sometimes). He's not afraid to

hug his dad or kiss his mom in public. He still loves hanging around his parents and is eager to tell us about his day. He doesn't mind the pet names that we call him (like Squishy & Pookiemon). He still gets in the bed with us and asks his famous question, "So what are we doing tonight?" He continues to make us laugh on a daily basis. He's not afraid to be his own person and stand up for what he believes even if he is standing alone. Spend time, real time with your children. Listen to them. Talk to them. Enjoy their company. They grow up so fast and when they're grown, you still want to be able to enjoy them.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - of what I've learned. 

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 4: Renewing Purpose

     




So I told you that about 10 years ago, my husband had an adulterous affair. Well, because of that, I now know my purpose (disclaimer: you don't have to go through a traumatic event to know your purpose). Before this happened, I had a strong feeling (Holy Spirit) to start a marriage ministry; however, afterwards I didn't want to because I wasn't sure if I was even going to stay married. Now, I understand that that had to happen for me to have a testimony to help other couples understand that God can heal your marriage after infidelity. Would I say that I wanted this to happen to fulfill my purpose? Of course not! Who wants to go through turmoil and embarrassment. But God! If I knew then what I know now, I would have done some things differently. I would have forgiven quickly and I would not have sought revenge. During the process of releasing forgiveness, I sinned a lot! I had an unforgiving heart. I had a hardened heart. I wanted to walk away from my marriage. I was evil and downright disobedient to God. I also didn't have the type of relationship then that I now have with my Father (Thank You Jesus!). This experience has taught me to depend on Christ more and to be obedient in spite of my spouse. You have to be accountable for your own sins. Your spouse can't go to heaven or hell for you and they can't save you from heaven or hell. Only what you do for Christ will last (1 Cor. 9:24-27). So with that said...my husband and I have renewed our purpose in Christ. We started a marriage ministry (God's Union) in our home in 2007 and even though I was still sinning (I still had an unforgiving heart); however, I was obedient to God's tug to start ministry.[Note: I'm not perfect - I am still a sinner saved by grace]. However, after a year of starting ministry, I was still purposely sinning. But I was tormented by my sin. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. My stomach was always in knots. I was miserable. I still wanted to seek revenge and I still wanted my husband to hurt like I did. But God! In 2008 we had a "come to Jesus" meeting with our ministry and it was then that I started to see an inkling of hope and started to allow the walls of hardness to come down. There was a lot of crying during this meeting...the ministry we started to help other couples was actually helping us! Look at how God works! Just to give you some dates - the affair took place in 2003; I found out in November of 2003; started marriage ministry January 2007; it was around July 2008 that I started wanting my marriage again.

Most of us aren't married to a spouse who wants to hurt us. They don't wake up in the morning with the purpose of making our lives miserable. However, when they do hurt us, we need to seek Christ and ask our Father for help in restoring the relationship and renewing our purpose. Exodus 9:16 says: But I have spared you for a purpose—to show you my power and to spread my fame throughout the earth. Even though God was talking to Pharaoh here; I feel God was also talking to me. He spared my marriage for a purpose. I was going to walk away and miss the rewards I am now reaping. There is a purpose for your life and for your marriage. I know you think the purpose for your marriage is to make you happy. You can be happy, but you won't always be happy and there is a greater purpose that God has for your life and your marriage. Your marriage is to show God's love for the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). Now I'm not saying that in your purpose, you will start a ministry (but maybe you will); however, ask God what is it that you and your spouse are supposed to be doing to build up God's kingdom. Whether it's spreading the gospel with your loving actions toward one another or teaching a Sunday School class together, there is something that you are supposed to be doing to build up the kingdom of God. Now you can't fulfill your purpose if you don't know God. You have to get in His Word and talk to Him. You also have to be obedient to His Word. He has information for you. He wants great things for your marriage. Again, both of you need to know God. Seek Him with all your heart. Ask Him what His plans are for you. Renew your purpose with God and in your marriage. Do it today!
Check out Drs. Les and Leslie's post on The Purpose Driven Marriage .

I understand that there are many extenuating circumstances and you may not have a spouse that is willing to seek forgiveness or even turn from his/her adulterous behavior. But there is hope in God and remember sometimes separation is necessary until the other person seeks help. However, make sure that you have not sinned while trying to reconcile so if separation is needed, you will not have any regrets or feel guilty - knowing that you did all you could do to heal your marriage.

Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Are you renewing your purpose? Have you searched the scripture for your meaning on earth? What insights have you gained? How will you use your marriage to fulfill God's kingdom?

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 3: Restoring Intimacy

Gen 2:24-25 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.(NIV)

Once you've released forgiveness and started rebuilding trust, you can begin to restore intimacy. Restoring intimacy means being open and vulnerable (don't confuse this with weakness) with one another. Allow your defensive walls to come down and share intimate details of your life with your spouse. If intimacy was not there before infidelity, then take this time to build intimacy. Here are some tips to help you restore intimacy. 

1. Pray together. One of you can pray aloud for both of you or you can pray silently together. Pray for healing and pray for a better marriage.

2. Study the Word together. A good place to start is Ephesians 5. Get a study bible or a commentary and read verses together and discuss how you will apply those verses to your everyday life. 

3. Listen to a Podcast together. My husband and I usually spend Sunday mornings (while getting ready for church) listening to Podcasts as part of our morning devotion. Then we discuss them and how they relate to our lives. Suggestions for Podcasts: Marriage Today, Jimmy and Karen Evans; America's Family Coaches on OnePlace.com, Gary and Barb Rosberg; Together in the Word, Gary Chapman; there are many more. 

4. Communicate with one another. Spend some quality time, face-to-face with your spouse communicating. Turn off the TV, the phone, and close the computer and look in your spouse's eyes. Actively listen to them and respond to their comments. Communication is not one sided. Both parties have to talk and both parties have to listen and this cannot be done at the same time. Also show interest in your spouse's conversation. Your spouse will not want to share with you if he/she feels you are not interested in what they are talking about. Remember, infidelity usually occurs because one person feels devalued in the relationship (this is not an excuse; however, if you don't listen to your spouse, someone else will). 

5. Touch each other often. Physical touch builds intimacy. A simple back rub, holding hands, a kiss, or a hug can make a person feel special and that they are important. Make touching a priority; even if you're not a touchy-feely person, make a point to touch your spouse often. 

Restoring intimacy requires being in tune with your spouse. Studying them and knowing their likes and dislikes. Make your spouse a priority and restore intimacy in your marriage today. 

*Take the 5 Love Language assessment and find out you and your spouse's love language. Learn to speak your spouse's love language often. 

What do you think? On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not so good and 10 being awesome...where would you say your intimacy level is in your marriage? If you said 5 or below; which of the tips above can you start doing today to improve intimacy in your marriage? Leave a comment. Which of these five tips are you willing to commit to this week? Or share what you're already doing to improve intimacy.

Stay tuned for the final part: Renewing Purpose

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust

After we release forgiveness, we need to rebuild the trust if we want our marriage to be completely healed. Rebuilding trust can be a long and arduous process. However, in order to rebuild trust, both parties involved must be willing and submit to the Lord's Will. This is not always an easy process because when someone betrays your trust, you are expecting them to betray it again. But trust can be rebuilt. Trust me!


Finally, after many years, my husband and I have rebuilt the trust in our marriage. Often, I'm asked, "So, do you really trust him?" And I reply, "I trust God to protect me and my marriage. My husband is human and he will make mistakes. I put my trust in a perfect God!" This may sound like I don't trust him. However, I do. I'm not looking through phone records or expecting him to mess up. But he is also doing his part - by guarding my heart and keeping me informed so I won't assume or be blindsided. Rebuilding trust doesn't mean that you are a fool and will be blind to another offense. It also doesn't mean that you will continue to expect that person to mess up again. You have to turn your attention to God - a perfect God that will protect you and your marriage. People are human and we are imperfect. So we will let you down and we will mess up. That is why God sent His Son to die for our sins; because God knew that we would need new mercy and grace every day! Rebuilding trust also means the offender must be an open book with their lives (phone, email accounts, whereabouts, etc.) Trust cannot be rebuilt if secrets are constantly kept and if the offender is still unable to be located when away from his/her spouse. Remember it takes both parties to rebuild trust. And every time there is another offense, you move back to square one in rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust in your marriage means granting new mercy and grace every day. Your spouse is never going to be perfect. They are never going to do what you want them to do at the very moment you want them to do it. We rebuild trust by surrendering to God and allowing Him to get our spouse back on track. However, the offender has to make a concerted effort to rebuild trust as well. He/She can't just act like nothing happened and expect you to get over it. They have to seek reconciliation and they have to make sure they are being honest and open in the marriage. Now the key here is for both of you to have a real relationship with God. Without a relationship with God, you will not be able to grant new mercy and grace. You will not be able to have peace in your marriage after infidelity and you will constantly be waiting for your spouse to mess up again. So you may be saying well what if I have a relationship with God but my spouse doesn't, then what? Good question...then you're going to have to pray for both of you. You are going to have to stay on knees before God asking Him to heal your marriage. You are going to have to stay in the Word seeking guidance from God. Again, this is not a license for your spouse to cheat repeatedly and expect your love. If your spouse is a habitual cheater, then he/she may need to seek professional help and you may need to separate until they seek help so you won't be putting yourself at risk for STDs or emotional abuse.

Remember rebuilding trust is two-fold. Just as your marriage takes two people; so does rebuilding trust! The person offended slowly breaks down the walls of a hardened heart and the offender seeks to regain trust by being open and keeping their spouse informed. The two of you must work at rebuilding trust.
**A good book is Guard Your Heart, by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
**Here's a quick podcast on Forgiveness and Trust by Gary Chapman Click Here

What do you think? Do you think it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Read Part 3 - Restoring Intimacy

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 1- Releasing Forgiveness

You may think there is no way your marriage can be healed after adultery. Well I'm here to tell you there is hope after infidelity. How do I know? Because my marriage has healed after infidelity. Ten years ago I discovered my husband was having an adulterous affair. (Deep Breath...Sigh) ...I. Was. Devastated...to say the least. I did not think, at the time, our marriage would survive. I struggled daily with putting God's words of forgiveness into action. I even had combative discussions with God about how I can't forgive and that my husband didn't deserve my forgiveness. Whew. That's harsh! Side note: I could clearly see that my husband was sorry for his actions and he sought forgiveness daily. However, that did not make me want to release forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15 explains that we cannot be forgiven if we do not extend forgiveness. This seems so simple, right? Wrong! I mean, I can forgive you if you pull out in front of me in traffic. I can forgive you if you hit my car and put a small scratch on it. I can forgive you if you come home late and forget to call. I can forgive you if you don't do the dishes when you said you were going to do them. BUT... I can't forgive you if you talk about me behind my back. I can't forgive you if you reprimand my child for no reason. I can't forgive you if you have an affair! Forgiveness is not like Burger King. You can't have it your way. Let's look at Matthew 6:14-15 again.  The Message Bible says it like this: "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part." Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's all about you and your reconciliation to God. You can't be forgiven if you don't extend forgiveness. Now I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near perfect and I have a lot of sins that need to be forgiven. Sins that I commit every day! And I need forgiveness. Again, is this easy? No way! I told you I was having conversations with God daily about not wanting to forgive. I couldn't sleep. I lost a lot of weight (partly because of depression from the affair) because I couldn't eat. God would not let me rest. Even when I finally submitted and said that I forgave...I don't think I had in my heart and God still wouldn't let me rest. I thought, like most people, that if I held onto the pain and didn't forgive that I would be hurting the guilty party, but that wasn't the case. My husband was sleeping at night (and this infuriated me more). He might have been hurting, but he was sleeping at night. Why? Because he had made peace with God. He sought forgiveness from God and me and genuinely repented (changed and returned back to God). Still, I wanted to be mad at him and I wanted God to punish him. (Ironically, I don't want God to stay mad at me when I sin, nor do I want to be punished.) So why do we wish this on people who have offended us? Eventually, after I struggled with it...I did forgive - wholeheartedly. However, forgiveness was just the first step in our healing process. There would be more restless nights ahead and still the possibility of divorce. But God! And I mean, but God! God is truly the only reason my marriage is healed.

Forgiveness is not just saying the words. It is releasing that person from bondage. This doesn't mean we forget the offense; it's impossible to erase our memories. However, forgiveness says that we do not allow that person to have a stronghold over our lives. As long as you hold on to the offense by not forgiving, the offender has a hold on your life. And in some instances, forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile to that person. For example, you don't have to return to an abusive relationship. You can forgive your abuser and go on with your life - by not allowing yourself to be put in that abusive situation again or by separating until that person receives professional help. Forgiveness is also not a pass for someone to take you for granted. So you don't have to release forgiveness and then close your eyes or ignore future offenses (even if they are the same offenses that you've already forgiven). You can forgive and separate until that person receives professional help. Maybe they need drug or alcohol rehab; professional counseling for verbal abuse; or whatever professional help they need so they will stop being abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, or verbally) in the relationship.
**A good book about healing in marriage is Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman. (There's a PDF file for this book, here).

What do you think? Is forgiveness something you give freely? Should you offer your spouse unconditional forgiveness? Do you find it harder to forgive your spouse versus someone else? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust.

Lord, remove this thorn, please? Part 2

2 Corinthians 12:9 My Grace is Sufficient...
I never mentioned what the thorn in my life was and that was done on purpose. We all have thorns and I didn't want you to think about my personal thorn; but about your own life and what God is doing in your own life with your own personal thorn. A thorn can be anything such as our children, the job, our spouse, our in-laws, our spirituality, it can even be ourselves. Whatever your thorn is in your life allow God to work a miracle in you to move you to greatness. God may remove your thorn or like Paul, He may tell you that His Grace is Sufficient.

Well, since my last post...the specific thorn that I was asking God to remove is no longer there. This is not to say that I won't have other thorns in my life in the future. But I was praying for God to remove this particular thorn when I realized that I really didn't need God to remove it; this was something I could do on my own. Sometimes we ask God to do things in our lives that we can ourselves but we won't do it because we lack faith. The only reason why I hadn't done anything was because I was worried about the outcome in the future and what would happen down the road. (For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. Jeremiah 29:11) But just as God's grace is sufficient so are His provisions. So I have stepped out on faith and I am allowing God to provide for my needs. Is this an easy thing to do? No. But God. Is this something we can do on our own or by ourselves? No. But God. Are there going to be hard times, trials, the enemy's trickery? Yes. But God! But God has it all under control and if we trust Him in the midst our trials; in the midst of our storms, in the midst of our thorns - His Grace is Sufficient!

Philippians 4:13 says: I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me. The Amplified Bible says it like this: "I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]." But God! With Christ I am able to do some things I wouldn't normally be able or willing to do. With Christ I self-sufficient - with His sufficiency. I am adequate or enough with God's adequacy. I am ready! Why? Because of God's strength in me. So why am I worried about my thorn when I know God has already taken care of it? So why am I concerned about the economy when God has already taken care of it? So why am I depressed about paying bills when God has already taken care of it? So why am I envious of my brethren when God has already taken care of it? So why don't I have a closer relationship with God? Why don't I pray every day? Why don't I read His word? ...But God. Without Him we can do nothing (John 15:5); but with Him we can do all!

So don't fret when there is a thorn in your side. Ask yourself and God what is the purpose of my thorn? Reflect on if you have been spending time with God as you know you should. We have to be attached to the vine in order to produce the fruit of that vine. If you are not attached to God, then you are not producing good fruit. And to be attached to God means making Him a priority in your life by serving Him (no other gods - and those gods can be our cars, houses, money, jobs, spouses, children, anything that you worship more than God); talking to Him in prayer; listening to Him by reading His Word; and applying His statutes in your life (allowing His Will to be your will).

Remember, sometimes God allows us to go through things - not for us - but for others; for our testimony will help someone else. Sometimes it is because we need to grow. We cannot stay babes in Christ forever. And sometimes it's preparation for something God has planned for our lives. Whatever the reason for your thorn allow God's grace to be sufficient and ask Him to give you guidance in the midst of your thorn. Ask God to show you the next step for your life. Use your thorn as a learning experience and get closer to God in the process. And when your thorn is removed, don't forget God! Remember Him daily.

Thank You, Lord for Your love, Your grace, Your provisions, Your awesomeness, Your greatness, Your healing power, Your mercies, Your Son, Your Self! Thank You! Amen.

Lord, remove this thorn?

When you get a moment, read 2 Corinthians 12. It speaks of Paul who seems to be ranting about his treatment. I want to draw your attention to the statement he makes about asking God to remove the thorn from his flesh and God replies that His Grace is sufficient and His strength will be made perfect in Paul's weakness.


Well I have been struggling with my own personal thorn and I have asked God to remove it several times and like Paul, my answer seems to be the same (that God's grace is sufficient and His strength will be made perfect in my weakness). We don't like to be weak, nor do we like being imperfect (even though we know we'll never be perfect). We spend all day at the beauty shop getting just the right hair style. We take our time to get dressed, picking out the shoes and purse that match our outfit exquisitely. We make sure our suit has the perfect tie with just a hint of blue in it that will bring out the blue in our slacks. We want to be perfect. We don't like weakness. We won't cry in front of our spouse because we don't want to show weakness. We hide our feelings when we feel that we are getting to close to anyone so we won't get hurt. We don't like weakness.


But in God's world, we aren't perfect and we don't have to be strong. God will be our strength. God will be our perfection. I have struggled with asking questions of why? God, why have you allowed this to happen to me? Why does it seem I have no peace? Why would you bring me this far to leave me? Why, Lord? And His answer seems to be the same: "My grace is sufficient and My strength will be made perfect in your weakness." As I write this and sigh with a deep breath, I can be thankful that I don't feel the tears well up in my eyes...I won't lie, I have cried myself to sleep a many nights; I have cried and prayed with my face to floor; I have cried in the car calling out to Jesus! I have asked God over and over what is the plan? What's the next step? I have questioned my very existence and my purpose. ...But God. "My grace is sufficient and My strength will be made perfect in your weakness." Well Lord I am weak, weary, and worn. I need your grace. I need your strength.


Sometimes God allows us to go through things - not for us - but for others; for our testimony to help someone else. Sometimes it is because we need to grow. Sometimes it's preparation. Whatever the reason is for me...I'll remember "His grace is sufficient..." and if He removes the thorn too soon, I may not get all that I need to go to the next level. As Paul stated, if it had not been for the thorn, he would not be the man he was destined to be. He began to see the limitation as a gift...a gift from God and Paul allowed God's strength to move in on his weakness. Sometimes we need the thorn...to make us who we are destined to be.


Lord, help me to accept Your grace. Comfort me as I bear this thorn. Give me peace of mind and keep me in Your Will. To God be the Glory! Thank You Lord, for my trials for I know they are just a stepping stone to get me closer to You. Amen.