In the beginning, we spend time together, fall in love, get married and then life happens. We go to work every day. We have children. We deal with life's uncertainties. We go back to school. We get a promotion. We change jobs. We work too much. Our kids get involved in extracurricular activities. We buy a house. We lose a job. We graduate. We get sick. You get the point? Life happens. Over time, we can begin to isolate and separate ourselves from our spouse. Slowly. One day at a time. One life activity at a time. First, we say, "I deserve this promotion. I worked hard." Then you begin to spend more time at work than at home. You start bringing your work home with you. Your spouse comes home and goes to one room while you hibernate in another. This becomes the daily routine. There are no date nights. There is no physical closeness. There is no quality time. There are no sweet conversations throughout the day. You are living your own life and so is your spouse. You have isolated yourself from the marriage and separated from your spouse.
I don't think El and I ever got to a place of complete isolation and separation; however, we were pretty close. When I was a first year teacher, I was also working on a Master's degree. Many of my nights were spent in the study room working on lesson plans, grading papers, and doing homework. I wanted to spend time with El but I also knew I had to get my work done to be successful. My priorities were out of focus. My marriage should have been my first priority. So how do you find time (at least 2.5 hours/day) and how do you refrain from isolation in your marriage? It's not easy especially if you have children. During that time I was teaching and going to school, CJ was in 3rd grade. So there were times when he needed help with homework and projects. There were times that El and I tried to take advantage of holidays; however, those also caused a problem because he wanted to spend time with his family and I wanted to spend time with just him. Again, we didn't know how to effectively communicate our needs and this tension only created more isolation and separation.
Today; fortunately, we have learned how to manage our time so we won't slip into isolation and separation. El is in school full time and working full time; however, he gets most of his homework done at work and then finishes what's needed at home. I'm currently studying to take the counseling exam as well as trying to keep our blog, website, podcasts, and other social media sites current. So how do we keep from falling into the isolation trap? We have a standing date night every Saturday and I recognize when El's tired and needs to stay in. We discuss our devotions in the morning. We spend time talking throughout the day on Yahoo Instant Messenger. We call each other a few times a day as well and send cute text notes. We spend time catching up when we come home at night and then we have pillow talk before bed. You may be thinking 'wow, that's a lot'. However, for us it's awesome! We are making our marriage intentional and we are making each other a priority. Sometimes, we turn off the phones so we aren't disturbed. With all the time we spend together, it doesn't leave much time outside of that for anything else - including the enemy and temptations.
The enemy wants to isolate and separate you from your spouse. His goal is to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). He does not want your marriage to prosper. However, God ordained marriage (Genesis 2:24-25) and He wants your marriage to flourish. He has a purpose for your marriage. He wants you and your spouse to become one (Mark 10:8). He wants your marriage to represent God's love for the church. Just as we should spend ample time with Christ (reading His word, praying, and applying His statutes); we should also spend adequate time with our spouse (talking, being sexually intimate, and responding to each other's needs).
Is your marriage on the way toward isolation and separation? If so, how can you return to oneness? If not, what are doing to keep from drifting apart? Share one specific tool that you and your spouse are using to create oneness and stop the drift toward isolation and separation.
Stay tuned for part 3: resuscitate the marriage.
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