Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 1- Releasing Forgiveness

You may think there is no way your marriage can be healed after adultery. Well I'm here to tell you there is hope after infidelity. How do I know? Because my marriage has healed after infidelity. Ten years ago I discovered my husband was having an adulterous affair. (Deep Breath...Sigh) ...I. Was. Devastated...to say the least. I did not think, at the time, our marriage would survive. I struggled daily with putting God's words of forgiveness into action. I even had combative discussions with God about how I can't forgive and that my husband didn't deserve my forgiveness. Whew. That's harsh! Side note: I could clearly see that my husband was sorry for his actions and he sought forgiveness daily. However, that did not make me want to release forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15 explains that we cannot be forgiven if we do not extend forgiveness. This seems so simple, right? Wrong! I mean, I can forgive you if you pull out in front of me in traffic. I can forgive you if you hit my car and put a small scratch on it. I can forgive you if you come home late and forget to call. I can forgive you if you don't do the dishes when you said you were going to do them. BUT... I can't forgive you if you talk about me behind my back. I can't forgive you if you reprimand my child for no reason. I can't forgive you if you have an affair! Forgiveness is not like Burger King. You can't have it your way. Let's look at Matthew 6:14-15 again.  The Message Bible says it like this: "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part." Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's all about you and your reconciliation to God. You can't be forgiven if you don't extend forgiveness. Now I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near perfect and I have a lot of sins that need to be forgiven. Sins that I commit every day! And I need forgiveness. Again, is this easy? No way! I told you I was having conversations with God daily about not wanting to forgive. I couldn't sleep. I lost a lot of weight (partly because of depression from the affair) because I couldn't eat. God would not let me rest. Even when I finally submitted and said that I forgave...I don't think I had in my heart and God still wouldn't let me rest. I thought, like most people, that if I held onto the pain and didn't forgive that I would be hurting the guilty party, but that wasn't the case. My husband was sleeping at night (and this infuriated me more). He might have been hurting, but he was sleeping at night. Why? Because he had made peace with God. He sought forgiveness from God and me and genuinely repented (changed and returned back to God). Still, I wanted to be mad at him and I wanted God to punish him. (Ironically, I don't want God to stay mad at me when I sin, nor do I want to be punished.) So why do we wish this on people who have offended us? Eventually, after I struggled with it...I did forgive - wholeheartedly. However, forgiveness was just the first step in our healing process. There would be more restless nights ahead and still the possibility of divorce. But God! And I mean, but God! God is truly the only reason my marriage is healed.

Forgiveness is not just saying the words. It is releasing that person from bondage. This doesn't mean we forget the offense; it's impossible to erase our memories. However, forgiveness says that we do not allow that person to have a stronghold over our lives. As long as you hold on to the offense by not forgiving, the offender has a hold on your life. And in some instances, forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile to that person. For example, you don't have to return to an abusive relationship. You can forgive your abuser and go on with your life - by not allowing yourself to be put in that abusive situation again or by separating until that person receives professional help. Forgiveness is also not a pass for someone to take you for granted. So you don't have to release forgiveness and then close your eyes or ignore future offenses (even if they are the same offenses that you've already forgiven). You can forgive and separate until that person receives professional help. Maybe they need drug or alcohol rehab; professional counseling for verbal abuse; or whatever professional help they need so they will stop being abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, or verbally) in the relationship.
**A good book about healing in marriage is Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman. (There's a PDF file for this book, here).

What do you think? Is forgiveness something you give freely? Should you offer your spouse unconditional forgiveness? Do you find it harder to forgive your spouse versus someone else? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust.