Don't fix it!

In the past when I came home, El would ask me to tell him about my day. So I would start...

Me: Baby, there were only two people in my aerobics class, today, but we still had a very good workout. I had to run a lot of errands...and I bought some toilet paper. I had lunch with my mother. We went to Olive Garden...you know the same place we go every Saturday. Oh and Lane Bryant had a sale, but I didn't buy anything...because we don't really have the money this week. But there was this lady talking so loud on her cell phone, that everyone in the store could hear her. She was fussing at her kids, right there in the store------

This is when I'd be interrupted with a ton of questions and suggestions.

El: You should have told her to go outside...why was she yelling anyway? Why didn't the manager say something to her? 

Me: I hadn't finished telling you the story yet. 

El: Well you paused. 

Me: No I didn't...you interrupted...

El: Yes you did...there was a pause.

Me: Nevermind. 

El: No finish your story...I'm listening.

Then I would clam up and refuse to finish the story. I really just wanted El to listen to me. To engage in uninterrupted time and just listen. Listen the way my girlfriends would listen by nodding and interjecting an occasional "uh-huh".  We (women) don't want you (men) to fix it. We don't even want your suggestions (unless we ask). We just want you to say: really...then what happen...and what did you say...for real...un-huh... That's all. We want you to listen attentively and just...listen. Now for most men, this may be hard. Men are innately born to fix problems. They want to solve all of our issues. They want to be our knight in shining armor. But listen up men! Sometimes...most of the time...all the time...we don't want a fix. We just want you to listen. Conversation to us is like sex to you. When our husbands listen to us, it makes us want to be intimate with them. (Men...if you don't hear anything else, hear that!).

Eventually I learned to start my conversations with: I don't want you to fix this...just listen. If El tried to start fixing something...I would tell him to put away his tool belt. However, we don't have that problem as much anymore. El has become a very good listener. He is good at turning toward me and giving me his undivided attention.

Here are a few tips for active listening:
1. Turn toward your spouse and give them eye contact.
2. Pause or mute the TV. You may want to pause the TV so you won't be distracted by the motion on the screen.
3. Silence your phone and put it down. Don't text or look at the phone while your spouse is talking to you.
4. Don't interrupt. Allow them time to complete their statements.
5. Give clarifying statements to let your spouse know you are paying attention and you understand what they are saying.

You may feel as if you are already a good listener; if so good for you! But check with your spouse to be sure. And ladies, we need to be good listeners as well. Put down the laundry and pause Scandal. Your spouse needs your undivided attention also. You may be thinking, "Well my husband doesn't talk." That may be because you didn't listen to him in the past or he has never had your undivided attention.

You may think that you've heard everything your spouse has to say or maybe you're not interested in what they have to say. However, your spouse should be your primary focus and every time they communicate with you, you should be eager to listen. Actively listening is one way to build intimacy with your spouse. You may discover a new interest your spouse has or find that something's been troubling him/her. Take time to listen to your spouse. Develop an intimate bond by paying close attention to your spouse.

Take time this week to listen intently to your spouse. What will you do specifically this week to build better listening skills? Share your ideas by leaving a comment.