Tuesday Tip #2: Can we talk? I don't know...are you listening?

Many couples struggle with communication in their relationship. Either one person talks too much and the other doesn't talk at all or both people try to talk at the same time and no one is listening. Effective communication doesn't just happen. We have to take the time to listen attentively and communicate so that our mate understands exactly what we are saying. So how do you communicate effectively?

El and I have learned several different ways to communicate effectively over the years. Gary Chapman talks about many different methods of effective communication. Here are a few from him and some of our own...
1. Tell three things you did today and how that made you feel. When you and your spouse sit down to talk (every day), discuss three things you did. These can be anything from getting up for work to going shopping. And then discuss how those things made you feel. Did you feel good, depressed, discouraged, sad, disrespected, encouraged, etc? Each of you will share three things and how those things made you feel. The point is to get you both talking and listening and hopefully you will begin to have more conversations without prompting.
2. Scaling questions (This is also a counseling technique). Asking your spouse how strongly they feel about something on a scale of 1-10. For example: My husband may ask me if I want to go to J. Alexander's for dinner. I do not appear to be real excited about going but because he can't gauge how I feel, he may ask me on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being I really want to go and 1 being I don't have to go. So if I say 9, then chances are we will probably go because the 9 suggests that I really want to go. You can use scaling for just about any question.
3. Transparency. Being open and honest with your spouse. El and I are able to talk about any and everything. We're able to talk about past relationships as well as our feelings. We don't hide our feelings because the other may get hurt; instead we just discuss our feelings in a kind manner. It's important to be transparent with your spouse. True intimacy is developed as you continue to be vulnerable with your mate and allow the walls to come down. (Make sure you don't take advantage of your spouse when they are being vulnerable and that you don't abuse their trust).
4. Informing your spouse. El and I keep each other "in the loop". We talk all throughout the day via text or IM and sometimes by phone. We let each other know of our whereabouts and any upcoming plans. Your spouse should know what is going on with you. It doesn't look good for someone else to know what's going on with you before your spouse does. Keep your spouse informed. It may be a good idea to discuss your schedules every morning or at night (for the upcoming day) so that you both know about appointments, meetings, practices, kid pickups, etc.
5. Just talk and just listen. Sometimes it just takes you talking to your spouse and your spouse listening. Even if you don't want to hear what your spouse has to say, just listen. You may be surprised at what you hear. It's possible that you'll learn something new about your spouse. You want to be the person they can come to about anything (just like your children - if you listen, really listen, they'll talk to you more). And if you don't talk much, start talking more. Share your feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc. with your spouse. Let them inside of your heart.

Okay, now we've given you five tips that you can use this week. Choose one or all of them to practice this week. Don't forget to share how well prayer worked for you and keep praying together. Practice makes perfect.

Now go talk to spouse.