Let's look at some of the definitions of friend from Google:
1. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Now let's examine the first part of this definition...whom one knows and has a bond of mutual affection. How well do you know your spouse and is there a close mutual bond of affection? Do you touch your spouse often throughout the day? El and I touch all the time (and it is usually non-sexual touch; meaning it is not leading to anything sexually). We just want to be close and touch each other. Now what's interesting is I wasn't always a touchy-feely person; but I have become that person over the years. I like to rub my hands over El's biceps or his thighs. I like having him hold me at night and I like to feel his hands on my back. Touch your spouse often and cuddle with him/her. Make your spouse feel as if they are important by touching them. Your spouse needs to be touched by you. Now the second part of this definition states that this bond may be exclusive of sexual or family relations. When you're first getting to know your spouse (before marriage), yes this developing friendship should be without sexual relations; however, after marriage this is the bonus! To have cultivated a friendship and then be able to take that friendship to the next level by knowing your spouse sexually is a wonderful thang. "And Adam knew Eve, his wife..." (Genesis 4:1). The times that I feel closest to El are the times when we just connect through conversation - when he is really in tune with what I'm saying and I'm interested in what he is saying and we're just vibing. Those are the times I want to know him. He's my best friend!
2. a person who acts as a supporter of a cause, organization, or country by giving financial or other help. Do you support your spouse? Are you supporting them financially or in some other way? I may not agree with all of El's choices, but I support him. I am his cheerleader! If he has something he wants to do, I listen and support him even if I don't agree. I may offer other suggestions, but ultimately he is the head of our household and has the last say. I pray for him (that God will give him wisdom and help him make wise choices) and then I trust that God will lead him in the right direction. El does his best to provide financial support for our family. He cares about our family's welfare. He also cares about my happiness - he worked 3 jobs when we first married, so I could finish school without working. How are you supporting your spouse? Do they feel your support? Ask him/her how you can be a better supporter.
3. a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are on your team (...and they become one flesh. Gen 2:24). The enemy is Satan - he wants to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10a). Together, you and your spouse can defeat the enemy with God's power. Allow God's presence to permeate your marriage and draw closer to your spouse by becoming his/her friend.
4. a familiar or helpful thing. How well do you know your spouse? Do you know their likes and dislikes? Do you know their favorite color, favorite food, shoe size, dress/pant size, etc? Are they so familiar that you take them for granted? Or are you still trying to get to know things about them? Are you still studying them? Are you still learning them? Are you still dating? One of things El and I do is make sure we have a weekly date night. A time for just us two; no kids, no phones, no one else. We usually go out to eat, but most importantly, we talk. We get to know each other a little more with each date and after 18 years of marriage, we are still learning each other. We usually talk about our dreams or aspirations and where we'll be in five years or how we can improve our relationship. We take time to ask "how's the love tank" or "is anything we can do to make our relationship better". Never stop learning your spouse. Never stop trying to please your spouse. Never take the familiar for granted.
5. a contact associated with a social networking website. So this definition (which I'm sure has been added within the last few years), is interesting: a contact associated with a social networking website. Some of us treat our spouse as a Facebook or Twitter friend - we ignore him/her while we scroll the pages of FB and post pictures/comments to a world of people who could care less about us. We spend more time exploring social network sites than we do exploring our spouse. Or we communicate in short "ttyl" phrases; not really making time for clear effective communication. Not really trying to find out more about our spouse. Not really being interested in your spouse or what interests them. Who is your spouse? Are they your BFF or just a FB contact? Do you spend time making your marriage intentional or do you just expect that because you said "I do" that your marriage "will"? If you just periodically checked or updated your status on FB, you'll find that things can get out of control quickly with friend requests, comments, and notifications. Just as if you were to periodically check or update your marital status, eventually it will become neglected and when you try to get things back on track, it will seem overwhelming. The garden of your marriage has to be pruned. You have to constantly make sure the unwanted parts are removed from your garden such as bad attitudes, negative thoughts, unloving feelings and replace them with good attitudes, positive thoughts, and love.
Think about how you treated your best friend in high school. You probably talked on the phone everyday, hung out after school, helped each other with relationship problems, etc. What kind of friend are you to your spouse? Is your spouse your BFF (Best Friend Forever)? If not, make him/her your BFF today! And if they are your BFF, enhance that relationship by continually learning new ways to please them.
Spend time with your spouse this week learning new things about them. Ask them about their favorite color, the scar on their knee or head, favorite foods or restaurants, their dreams or aspirations, and keep asking questions. Become an investigator by learning about your spouse this week, but don't stop learning after this week - keep learning!
Share your experiences and insights!
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