The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 4: keeping the marriage alive

Remember, I stated that other parts of our body can be injured and we can still survive. However, if the heart stops the body dies. When a person is comatose, they are hooked up to a breathing machine to keep them alive. Many comatose patients can live for years as long as they are connected to the breathing machine. There have even been cases of comatose patients becoming impregnated and giving birth to healthy babies. But once the machine is disconnected, the patient dies.

The lifeless marriage (or any marriage) must stay connected to God in order to stay alive. Once you disconnect from God, your marriage starts to die. Not only do you need to stay connected to God; but you also need to apply His statutes. God's book (the bible) gives us the tools we need to have the marriage God intends for us. The problem is that many of us don't utilize the statutes from the Word. Instead we utilize the principles from the World.

The Word says:	The World says:
Two become one (Genesis 2:24)	Two remain two – live separate lives
Naked & unashamed (Genesis 2:25)	Naked & shame – keep secrets/don’t be transparent because you can get hurt
Don’t fornicate (1 Corinthians 6:18)	Sex is not sacred – sow your oats; test the waters before marriage to see if you’re compatible sexually
Marriage is serious & sacred (Mark 10:9)	Marriage is not that important; if you aren’t happy just get a divorce
Husband, satisfy your wife and wife, satisfy your husband sexually (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)	Every man (or woman) for himself; selfish love is alright
Husbands love your wives (Ephesians 5:33)	Husbands don’t have to sacrifice – it’s whatever he wants
Wives respect your husbands (Ephesians 5:33)	Wives emasculate your husband – he doesn’t deserve respect
Think before you speak (James 1:19)	You don’t have to guard your tongue; speak your mind
Be kind and forgiving (Ephesians 4:32)	Hold grudges and make your spouse pay for their wrongs

In order to keep your marriage alive, you must refrain from following the world's guidelines. You have to stay connected to God if you want to be prosperous (John 15:1-8). Your marriage needs God! You can't do this without Him.

Here are a few tips to keeping your marriage alive:

1. Communicate daily - I can't stress this enough! God made us relational creatures (Genesis 2:18). We enjoy and need the company of others. In your marriage, your spouse should get most of your attention. No one or no thing should ever come before your spouse. Keep your spouse informed (of all things); be transparent (Genesis 2:25). Tell your spouse your feelings, fears, dreams, and hopes. And listen intently. 

2. Spend time together - this should be obvious, but you will be surprised how many married couples do not spend time together. She has her own set of friends and hangs out with them. He has hobbies that pull him away from her. Spend as much time together as possible. With all the time you spend at work, caring for children, or other things, you need time with just your spouse.

3. Pray together - you will build intimacy with each other and with God. Take your issues to God and thank God for your successes. Do a devotional together. Share bible verses with each other. Don't scold one another on how little he/she may know about the bible, but share information to build intimacy. 

4. Have sex often - sexual intimacy draws us closer to our spouse (Genesis 4:1). God wants you to enjoy sexual intercourse. In the confounds of marriage, it's all good! Sexual intimacy also lessens the chance of temptation (1 Corinthians 7:5). 

5. Love and respect each other - Ephesians 5:33 speaks of husbands loving wives and wives respecting husbands. Husbands, ask your wife what you can do to love her like she needs to be loved. You may even want to have her take the 5 Love Languages quiz to find her love language. Wives, ask your husband how you can be respectful and ask him to identify times when you've been disrespectful in the past (so you can correct that behavior). 

The most important thing is to apply God's word in your marriage and apply practical tools to help your marriage thrive and stay alive. El and I have to work every day at making our marriage intentional. We ask each other often if there are areas we need to improve. We pray together. We discuss devotions with one another. We spend a lot of time together. We laugh. We are transparent with one another. We aren't perfect and we still have moments where we have small arguments/disagreements; but we've learned to forgive quickly and often. We've learned to put God in the center. He is the third cord in our marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

Thank you for reading this series. I hope you have been able to bring life back to your marriage. If you have a success story, please share it below in the comments section. We'd love to hear from you. 

May God bless your union! 

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 3: resuscitate the marriage

When a person stops breathing or their heart stops, CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation) is performed to restore the person's life. A person trained in CPR knows there are steps to doing CPR correctly in order to save the lifeless person. First, they must call 911 for help. If the lifeless person is unresponsive, a trained person knows to act quickly and call for help. Secondly, the trained person must pump the chest. If the victim is still unresponsive, the chest must be pumped 30 times (hard and fast) to revive the heart. Thirdly, the trained person will blow twice in the victim's mouth by tilting back the head, lifting the chin slightly, pinching the nose, and blowing into the mouth until you see the chest rise and fall. The trained person repeats this until help comes or until life is restored.

CPR is important in order to save the victim's life. But what happens when our marriage shows no sign of life? It's time for CPR...
1. Call for help. There are times when you and your spouse need a third party to help you resolve conflicts or get back on the right track (Titus 2:2-6). However, you should understand that you and your spouse are going to have to do the hard work of sustaining your marriage. Seeking outside assistance is just that - assistance. Other people cannot do the work for you and your spouse. El and I mentor couples all the time and that is the first thing we tell them; that we are here to guide you, but the real work and success will be determined by what you do after this meeting. El and I have had to seek help in the past. We also attend marriage conferences to keep our marriage tools sharpened. Marriage is work and there will be times when you need some assistance, but remember you and your spouse have to do the real work. 
2. Pump the heart. The human heart pumps blood throughout the whole body. It supplies oxygen and nutrients to the tissues and removes carbon dioxide along with other waste. It is so important that it is protected behind the breastplate. Most people can survive injuries to other body parts; but if the heart is damaged, chances of survival are slim. In our marriages, the heart is where our emotions lie. However, in a lifeless marriage, it can feel as if the heart is damaged or dead. In order to resuscitate the heart, you will need to pump life back into it. You can do this by spending quality time with your spouse, speaking their love language, have meaningful conversations, listen intently to one another, and romancing your spouse. Sexual intimacy also plays a part in pumping the heart. A good way to give your heart an electrical shock is through sexual intimacy. You will also need to eliminate waste from marriage. Keep other people out of your marriage that mean to do harm (i.e. messy people, opposite sex friends, or family) [Mark 10:9]. Keep the heart of your marriage pumping vibrantly. Work on your marriage. Don't damage your spouse's heart. Safeguard your marriage and your spouse's heart. 
3. Resuscitate. Resuscitate the marriage by putting God first in your marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Your marriage will remain lifeless until you place God in the center. Placing God in the center doesn't mean just saying He is in the center. Your actions should show that He is in the center. How much time are you spending with God? Having Him in the center does not mean that you only talk to God on Sunday or when you are in trouble. It also doesn't mean that you only read His word during Sunday School or Bible Study. A relationship with Christ is ongoing and the more time you spend with God, the more time you'll want to spend with Him. As I've stated before, you can't pretend to have a relationship with God; you must have a real relationship! Does having a relationship mean that everything will always be wonderful? No, never! El and I still have conflict and we still get angry at times; however, the difference is now we don't stay angry for long and we resolve our conflicts quickly. We practice unconditional forgiveness and we are quick to forgive (Ephesians 4:32). We don't hold grudges and we share our feelings. We are transparent with each other. We pray together. We invite God in the midst of our marriage in every situation and occasion. God is the only one who can revive your marriage! You can't do it alone! Seek God (Matthew 6:33) to resuscitate your marriage.

Have you and your spouse had to resuscitate a lifeless marriage? If so, what tools did you use? If your marriage needs resuscitating, perform CPR now. Don't wait until it's too late. Every second counts. Don't wait until your lifeless marriage is completely dead. Resuscitate it now!

Stay tuned for the final part, part 4: keeping the love alive.

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 2: isolation and separation.

A lifeless marriage happens when we disregard the sanctity of marriage and begin to take our spouse for granted. This usually doesn't happen over night; most times it's so gradual we don't realize it's happening. 

In the beginning, we spend time together, fall in love, get married and then life happens. We go to work every day. We have children. We deal with life's uncertainties. We go back to school. We get a promotion. We change jobs. We work too much. Our kids get involved in extracurricular activities. We buy a house. We lose a job. We graduate. We get sick. You get the point? Life happens. Over time, we can begin to isolate and separate ourselves from our spouse. Slowly. One day at a time. One life activity at a time. First, we say, "I deserve this promotion. I worked hard." Then you begin to spend more time at work than at home. You start bringing your work home with you. Your spouse comes home and goes to one room while you hibernate in another. This becomes the daily routine. There are no date nights. There is no physical closeness. There is no quality time. There are no sweet conversations throughout the day. You are living your own life and so is your spouse. You have isolated yourself from the marriage and separated from your spouse. 

I don't think El and I ever got to a place of complete isolation and separation; however, we were pretty close. When I was a first year teacher, I was also working on a Master's degree. Many of my nights were spent in the study room working on lesson plans, grading papers, and doing homework. I wanted to spend time with El but I also knew I had to get my work done to be successful. My priorities were out of focus. My marriage should have been my first priority. So how do you find time (at least 2.5 hours/day) and how do you refrain from isolation in your marriage? It's not easy especially if you have children. During that time I was teaching and going to school, CJ was in 3rd grade. So there were times when he needed help with homework and projects. There were times that El and I tried to take advantage of holidays; however, those also caused a problem because he wanted to spend time with his family and I wanted to spend time with just him. Again, we didn't know how to effectively communicate our needs and this tension only created more isolation and separation. 

Today; fortunately, we have learned how to manage our time so we won't slip into isolation and separation. El is in school full time and working full time; however, he gets most of his homework done at work and then finishes what's needed at home. I'm currently studying to take the counseling exam as well as trying to keep our blog, website, podcasts, and other social media sites current. So how do we keep from falling into the isolation trap? We have a standing date night every Saturday and I recognize when El's tired and needs to stay in. We discuss our devotions in the morning. We spend time talking throughout the day on Yahoo Instant Messenger. We call each other a few times a day as well and send cute text notes. We spend time catching up when we come home at night and then we have pillow talk before bed. You may be thinking 'wow, that's a lot'. However, for us it's awesome! We are making our marriage intentional and we are making each other a priority. Sometimes, we turn off the phones so we aren't disturbed. With all the time we spend together, it doesn't leave much time outside of that for anything else - including the enemy and temptations. 

The enemy wants to isolate and separate you from your spouse. His goal is to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). He does not want your marriage to prosper. However, God ordained marriage (Genesis 2:24-25) and He wants your marriage to flourish. He has a purpose for your marriage. He wants you and your spouse to become one (Mark 10:8). He wants your marriage to represent God's love for the church. Just as we should spend ample time with Christ (reading His word, praying, and applying His statutes); we should also spend adequate time with our spouse (talking, being sexually intimate, and responding to each other's needs). 

Is your marriage on the way toward isolation and separation? If so, how can you return to oneness? If not, what are doing to keep from drifting apart? Share one specific tool that you and your spouse are using to create oneness and stop the drift toward isolation and separation. 

Stay tuned for part 3: resuscitate the marriage. 

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 1: from blissfulness to dissfulness

On November 9, 1996, El and I were married and life couldn't seem to get any better. However, the next year seemed disastrous. We argued a lot, to say the least. We argued about everything, mostly about our son CJ. CJ, remembering one of our arguments, asked us why we were arguing about who was going to take him to school. He knew the argument wasn't really about who was taking him to school; it was greater than that. He was right. I don't remember now what that argument was about but I'm sure it was something stupid. The point is most of us don't really have any idea how to be married when we first get married. I had a few ideas of my own. I knew that I wanted to cook for my husband. I knew that I wanted to be a good homemaker. I knew that I wanted to spend time (a lot of time) with my husband. I yearned for that close relationship with a man, which is why I wanted to marry El in the first place because we were best friends before we married. I enjoyed the closeness we shared. I liked the idea of having my best friend wake up with me every morning and go to bed with me each night. 

The only thing is I don't know if El shared the same idea of marriage as I did. He had just turned 21 and for him life was just beginning. He still hung out with his friends or they hung out at our house (more than they should have for us being newlyweds). The fact that I cooked didn't make it any better because he invited them to come eat with us often. Neither one of us knew how to express our feelings in an effective way that we could both clearly understand. I didn't know how to tell him I wanted time alone with him and he didn't know how to express his needs effectively. Instead, we just yelled at each other, got upset, and then there were times that I wanted to be violent (this is the behavior I'd seen from my father) because I thought that was how to get my point across. Other times we would hold grudges and not speak for days. We didn't know how to handle conflict. We went from wedded bliss to wedded diss. We started taking our marriage for granted; not really knowing how to have more good days than bad. 

We had a little foundation; we were going to church every Sunday and even taking notes. However, we never read the bible during the week (2 Tim. 2:15). We never did any devotions. We never listened to sermons outside of church. We hardly ever prayed together. I remember when I started teaching Sunday School, I was thinking this will make me study the Word more. However, that was not the case. I did not start studying more. In fact, I just studied Saturday night. Soon after I started teaching, El was asked to teach Sunday School. Great, right! That's what I thought. I thought we would start studying the word together. But that did not happen either. I was in school and he was working and life just got in the way. So we would study on Saturday nights. By this time we had been married about 4 years. We were discussing renewing our wedding vows for our 5 year anniversary; but that did not happen because the pastor was out of town. So we renewed our vows the following year (6 year anniversary). Well let's just say this is when all hell broke loose. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but the enemy crept into our marriage and ripped it all to pieces (John 10:10). The following year (2003), right before our 7 year anniversary I found out about El's infidelity. 

We were just doing life. Going to work. Going to school. Going through life without really making our marriage intentional. There were moments of cards, flowers, balloons, poems, etc. but those things didn't make up for the absence of quality time, physical touch, or safeguards. A lifeless marriage is right around the corner if you're not careful. You can wake up from the honeymoon and walk right into divorce. 

Today, El and I have a thirst for the word. We study the bible. We have morning devotions. We pray together often. We spend a lot of time together. We make our marriage intentional and we make each other a priority.  

What are you doing to keep from having a lifeless marriage? Share one specific thing you and your spouse do to keep the spark.

Stay tuned for part 2: isolation and separation.  

Drink water from your own cistern…

 A friend of mine came to me with a complaint. She wanted to know why single women seem to not care about making advances toward married men. Even if the man has stated that he is married and not interested, she continues to disregard this and pursue the husband. As my friend was talking about her dilemma, I immediately thought about the term “thirsty women” and the need to drink from your own cistern. We are unable to control another’s behavior; however, we can deter their behavior. If our spouses ignore advances from the opposite sex, this is typically a pretty good determent. Fish don’t usually bite if there is no bait. However, there are some thirsty people and ignoring them does not satisfy their dry mouth. In fact, it makes them thirstier. So you have to make sure you put on the whole armor of God and guard your spouse’s heart. Don’t think for one second that the enemy is just going to let you ignore him without a second, third, fourth or more attempts. He doesn’t give up so easy. That’s why we need to always be on guard. 

Proverbs 5:15-21 tells us to drink water from own cistern and enjoy the wife of your youth. Husbands, you have chosen a wife and God has given you a gift. Why would you reject this gift by sharing your body, heart, or mind with someone else? Another woman can make all the advances she wants, but you have to be a willing participant to entertain her (the same can be true for a wife dealing with advances from another man). Why would you trade true intimacy for a cheap thrill with a thirsty person? And don’t think for a moment that God is not watching you. If you are the person making advances toward someone else’s spouse, you are wrong. God knows your every step and He is not happy.

Husbands and wives, as you drink water from your own cistern, remember these things:

1. Cherish your spouse. Your spouse is a gift from God. After we (El and I) went through the trial of adultery, El started calling me his GG; short for God’s Gift. He acknowledges that our union is not a 'fly by night' union; it is a union that God has put together (Mark 10:9). El cherishes his gift and so do I. We realize that God has placed us together for a purpose and we are honored to fulfill that purpose with each other. This means we have to cherish each other and not take each other for granted.

2. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Enjoy your spouse and appreciate the gift that God has given you. It is easy to get into a routine of your daily rigmarole and forget to give your spouse the attention they need. El and I make sure we spend time together every evening recapping our day and reconnecting. We also make time at least once a week for a date with just the two of us to spend some quality time together. We speak each other’s love language and encourage each other often. Make sure your spouse feels appreciated by you so when they go out into the world they aren’t seeking approval nor is anyone else able to make them feel better than you make them feel. 

3. Build intimacy with your spouse. There’s nothing more special than intimacy with a couple. A special bond that only the two of you share. Intimacy can be built in many forms: spiritual, sexual, emotional, and mental. When you and your spouse share several different forms of intimacy, there is a deeper bond between the two of you. Make time to build intimacy with your spouse daily. Share devotions together. Read God's Word together. Spend time together. Talk and listen to each other daily. Have sex often. Dream with each other. Love each other hard.

Drink water from your own cistern and leave those thirsty people to draw from their own wells. They are not your responsibility; your spouse is. If you continue to neglect your spring wells, you may very well find them polluted. Make sure you drink from your own barrel.

"Same Mentality", by El Henry

Intro: My dear husband has written a post to share with you and I am so proud of him. Please share, comment, & subscribe! Hopefully, he'll share another post soon.

Many of my close friends and family know I am a huge Heavy D fan in every aspect, (LOL: I am a big man). Heavy D’s third studio album Peaceful Journey was a hip-hop classic. One of my favorite tracks was “Is It Good to You” (track #9). In the second verse Heavy D is asked “And what about love?” Then he says “Love's a possibility but let's make sure we share the same mentality”. I found those two lines so profound. When we're dating we can get caught up in shallow and somewhat meaningless discussions; you know what I mean - little cutesy stuff without substance. Now that I am 18 years in the game, (married and blessed – that game) I view things on a whole new level. Getting to know your spouse is vital because we are always evolving and growing (I think I am real deep now that I am 40) as a person, husband or wife.

Your spouse is not a clone of you and you shouldn't expect them to be. When discussing certain topics there may be different mindsets, which is Okie Dokie! Zina and I have so many commonalities. But last Sunday I had a different viewpoint about the topic of opposite sex friends; which caused a rift between us for a minute. In the past we both felt the same - that opposite sex friends were a No-No. However, on this particular day, after a wonderful time at Spaghetti Warehouse and going to a ballet (Swan Lake), I stated that I had changed my views. After we talked about it and I thought about it, I realized that having opposite sex friends can only work in a perfect world. So it seems, we (Zina and I) do share the “Same Mentality” (at least on this topic) and we will be doing a video on this topic soon. 

I wanted this blog entry to be from a man’s point of view. And right now today in 2015 it’s not too late to make sure you and your spouse share the “same mentality” on many topics from God, finances, child rearing, career paths, sex, and so on. Please guard the heart of your spouse. Love is awesome! So I advise you all to have a discussion about real things - those uncomfortable topics and listen to one another and grow more and more in love. Remember you won't always agree, but be sure to hear what your spouse has to say. Then dim the lights and jam to some Heavy D!

Peace Out,

RIP Heavy D

Big El a.k.a. Zina’s Man!

What do you do when your power has been shut off?

So my son called me at work on Monday around 10:29am to tell me the power in the house was out. Of course, my first thought was that it had been storming all night Sunday and even though it was sunny out now, this power outage could have somehow been related to Sunday's storm. Well, that was my wishful thinking. I knew in my gut that MLGW had pulled the plug on our electricity. Granted, I received the cutoff notice in the mail a few weeks before and had just paid $300 just seven days before the shut off. I remember thinking when I paid the $300, "I hope I am paying the right amount to keep the electricity on" (no, I wasn't paying the full amount at that time, don't judge-it's hard out here for a ...lol). I also remember a small voice telling me to call MLGW to make sure this was the correct amount, but I ignored that voice (the Holy Spirit), thinking that MLGW would call me if the amount wasn't sufficient (they had called in the past). Fast forward to Monday and poof - no electricity. Now I'm thinking about that small voice and how I ignored it and kicking myself in the butt because of my stupidity. 

So what do you do when your power has been shut off? 
1. Don't panic. Remember God is still in control and He will not forsake you nor leave you (Deuteronomy 31:8). My first thought was "great, now what?". But I quickly called MLGW to make the payment to have the electricity restored. Then I thanked God for His blessing. I let El know that we didn't have any power and that MLGW said it should be restored today, but they couldn't guarantee it; however, the workers work until 11pm. 11pm??! It was 10:30am! Was we gone be without power all day?? Lawd Jesus, what is we's gone do? Don't panic. 
2. Count it all joy. I was at work and there wasn't much else I could do, but wait. I had paid the bill and they said they would restore the power, so now all I could do was wait. El told me he was sorry that I was going through this agony and I simply responded, "count it all joy" (James 1:2-8). I knew there was a lesson to be learned in all of this. I had disregarded that small voice (the Holy Spirit) and now I was sitting with regret. Oh, how many times do we disregard that small voice of the Holy Spirit? As I listened to Tony Evans via Podcast talk to me about crises and how we are going to have problems, I thought about the problem I was having - the power had been shut off. Tony Evans went on to explain that problems are the best thing for us because they demonstrate the power of God. Wow! I don't have to worry about my source of power because God's power source is so much greater! So don't get discouraged when you have crises, count it all joy! 
3. Don't doubt God. Hebrews 11:1 says faith is the confidence of what we hope for will actually happen and gives us assurance about things we cannot see. I couldn't tell you when the power would be restored, I had no idea of the time. I knew that it would happen sometime between 10:30am and 11pm. I hoped it would be before 11pm. I wanted to believe it would be before 11am. I prayed and then I thanked God for what I knew He would do. But sometimes we do not have a time frame. Sometimes when we go to God we do not know an approximate time for when things will happen. Sometimes we don't get the answer we are praying for. God doesn't give us everything we pray for. He isn't a genie that pops out of a bottle and grants us three wishes. He is God. He is sovereign. We have to be in the will of God, not the other way around. What we're praying for has to be in the will of God as well. We can't pray for someone else's husband. That's not in the will of God (Mark 10:9). We also have to have faith. God is good and His mercy endures forever (Psalm 136:1). Don't doubt God.
4. Give thanks. I started thinking about all the things that could have happened in this situation. MLGW could have cut the power off on Saturday and it not be restored until Monday. I could have not had the money to pay the bill. It could have been hot and we would have to suffer without air conditioning. They could have said it takes 24 hours and power will be restored the next day. Our food could have spoiled if power was out longer. El could have been upset instead of understanding. But God! As I thought about all the what ifs; I started praising God for the what nots! Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18)!
5. Be Patient. I had paid the bill and was told that power would be restored by 11pm, but I was anxious. I kept calling the house hoping the phone would ring (because it goes straight to voicemail when there is no power for the cordless phone). I was trying to rush God. I already knew the outcome of my situation - power would be restored, but I was losing patience. I was thinking about the food I had just bought that was in the freezer and refrigerator. I was worried that I would get off work and have to come home to a dark house. I was concerned I wouldn't be able to workout because I couldn't play a DVD. I was anxious. But God wants us to be patient. Romans 12:12 tells us to rejoice and be patient and keep praying. So that's what I started doing. I started rejoicing and praying and waited patiently.

Our power was restored around 4:53pm on Monday, April 20, 2015. This was definitely a learning experience for me. I have to slow down and listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit and then be diligent in obedience to Him. I have not always handled circumstances the way I handled them yesterday. I remember another time our power was shut off (about 12 years ago) because of an oversight in paying the bill (I am the one who handles the bill paying in our household, El oversees it). Nobody was at home and so I didn't know the power was off until I got home from work and saw the notice on the door. By then it was after 4pm and I immediately panicked. I frantically searched for the number to call MLGW. I had to get the power restored before El got home. This wasn't a cool spring day either; it was hot as hell that day. I didn't count it all joy that day. I don't even know if I thought about God except to shout out, "Oh, God!" I just knew I had to get the power back on and fast! However, there was really nothing I could do except pay the bill - I had no control after that. Thankfully, they restored the power before El got off work and he never knew anything was wrong (of course I told him later). 

God will allow some trials in our lives (1 Peter 5:10) so He can restore us. He has all the power we need. Trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) even when you don't understand and He will show you the way. When our earthly power has been shut off, plug into God's wonderful, working power! 

Question: Whatcha gone do when your power gets shut off? 

Social Media & Your Marriage (video)

Is social media affecting your marriage negatively? Join us for our discussion about social media and your marriage. Share the effects of social media on your marriage and any tips on how to safeguard your marriage.

View the video below or click the title to view the video.

Stay tuned for the end of the video for the #ezdates photos of dating couples.
Don't forget to comment, share, and subscribe!

I'm married, but I'm not happy!

"I'm not happy anymore, so I think I should get a divorce." 
"I know God does not want me to stay in this state, so we should divorce and go our separate ways." 
"There's got to be more out there than this. I deserve to be happy."
"If he/she was truly my soulmate, we wouldn't have all these problems." 
"I'm not sure I ever loved him/her. It's time for me to be happy." 

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (James 1:2-4)


Happiness depends on what is happening around you, but joy is predicated on your relationship with Christ. James states that we should consider it great joy when face trials. Why? Because the testing of our faith produces growth and perseverance. And once we are fully developed, we will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 

Diamonds are made by very high temperatures and extreme pressure beneath the earth's surface. The combination of extreme heat and pressure and the movement to the surface quickly forms this beautiful diamond. But the diamond doesn't become what it is without trials (heat and pressure). Just like the diamond, we too have to endure heat and pressure to become what God wants us to become. Without trials, we don't rise to our full potential. Without trials, we forget God. Without trials, we think we're in control. Without trials, we can't exhibit the fruit of Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). So does this mean that you will never be happy? Of course not. However, happiness is predicated on things happening around you; your circumstances. And if you think about your circumstances when your spouse is not being loving or respectful, then you will not feel happy. On the other hand, if you believe your joy (which is a state of contentment) is predicated on internal factors such as your relationship with Christ, then you will always be content no matter what. 

You won't be happy in your marriage all the time, but if you have a relationship with Christ, you'll be able to look to God when your needs are not being met and know that He is able to supply those needs when your spouse isn't. We're human and flawed and God did not design us to be able to meet every need. If He did, then there would be no need for Christ. God wants us to depend on Him. That's why we have trials, so we can go to Him. He's our daddy! And a damn good one! You can go to Him with anything and He'll never tell anyone. He's always just. He loves us unconditionally, even when we're unlovable. 

So by now, you may be saying, "That's all good, but my spouse ____." Okay, I know, but no matter what you put in the blank, God is able! He created marriage, but I feel as if many people forget that. We go to God for everything else except for our marriages. We don't pray for our spouses to be better spouses. We don't pray for ourselves to be better spouses. We don't pray for temptation to be kept away or for us to escape it. Sometimes, we're stuck in our mess and we don't want to go to God. But those are the times that we should run to him. During a season of my life, when I wanted to be mad at El for his indiscretion, I was running away from God. I was sinning by being unforgiving and disrespectful. I was convicted, but I didn't want to stop being angry. However, I wasn't hurting El...I was hurting myself. I was separating myself from God. And that's what sin will do. In our sinning, the enemy will have us believe that there is something better out there other than our spouse. The enemy will get you to believe the lie that you deserve to be happy and that there is no way you can be happy with this spouse. So you harbor resentment and look for an escape and you think divorce is your only option. But it's not! If you truly turn to God, He'll help you discover a new marriage with the same spouse. (Hallelujah! I could shout right there!) Are all your days going to be blissful? NO! But with God, you'll have true joy and peace even in the midst of an unhappy season. 

I'm married and truly happy! I also have joy that only God can give! 

Are you searching for happiness or joy? Do you depend on Christ to meet your every need or are you putting your trust in a flawed spouse who is unable to meet your every need? Are you praying for your marriage and being specific about how you want God to intercede? Are you expecting a new marriage with the same spouse? 

Father, I come to you on behalf of all marriages, asking that you first forgive us of our sins and then be in the center and the forefront of our marriages. That you will heal those marriages that are hurting. That you will show us where we need to improve and make us better spouses for the mate you have given us. That you will give us patience and in our waiting, you will comfort us and supply those needs our spouses are unable to supply. Help us to build a strong relationship with You daily! In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Are you working on your marriage?

I've put in a lot of hours studying in college for a bachelor's degree, master's degree, educational specialist degree, and then another master's degree. I've had my share of tests, research, papers, and projects. I worked really hard to make A's in college and do my best. I sacrificed a lot of time to make sure I did well. I put in the same time if not more in raising our son. Making sure he had a home cooked meal at least five days a week. Teaching him to read, write, and do chores around the house. Helping him with homework and projects. Loving him and teaching him about Christ. I also worked hard as a teacher. Preparing lessons that were engaging. Offering tutoring after school hours. Attending workshops to improve my skills or learn new ones. I say all of this to ask, Are you working on your marriage? Many of us spend countless hours working on some project or task. However, we neglect the gift from God. Instead of making an effort to be a better spouse, we'd rather surf Facebook or watch Empire or hangout with our friends. We'll spend hours engaged in other activities, but when it comes to our marriage we neglect it. 

How do we go about working on our marriage anyway? Well there are several things you can do and many of them you can start doing today!
1. Spend some time with God. How much time? As much time as you need, but make sure it's productive. Start your day with God. Wake up and read a devotion along with scripture and then pray and ask God for guidance and/or understanding. Talk to Him throughout the day and before you go to sleep. Spending time with God will give you the strength later to be a better spouse. To be less selfish and more serving. A true relationship with God will benefit your married life more than you know. It is only because of God that my marriage is still standing today. And it is because of God that we are still in love and happy! 
2. Spend time with your spouse. How much time? At least 2.5 hours a day. When you and your spouse awake in the morning, greet each other with warm touches and soft voices. Acknowledge your spouse when they come home from work with a hug and an excited voice. Talk to them throughout the day (if it's possible) via text or phone. Go on date once a week. Laugh together. Keep them informed. El and I spend time together every day. We make sure we go on a date at least once a week. Stop saying you don't have time. Make the time! You make the time for everything else.
3. Spend some time learning. How much time? Go to a marriage conference at least once a year. Read a good marriage book together at least every other month or every month. Listen to a marriage podcast every week or every day. Read a marriage devotion every day. Make sure you discuss ideas/thoughts with your spouse and don't forget to apply the knowledge you've gained. When you attend a workshop for your job, your boss is expecting you to apply those skills when you return back to work. The same is true in your marriage. When you learn or discover a new skill, apply it in your marriage. El and I don't have a great marriage by chance. We have to practice effective communication. We have to practice forgiveness. We have to work on our marriage. And we have to work on it every day. It's just like pruning a garden. If you ignore it soon weeds will grow, insects will invade it, and you garden will suffer. If you don't work on your marriage, it can suffer and eventually die. Make sure you are watering and pruning your garden.
4. Spend some time evaluating. How much time? Every week. In order for you to know if you're working on your marriage, you will need an evaluation. Just like your yearly evaluation on your job, your spouse can give you a weekly evaluation of how well you are doing as a spouse. Don't get defensive if you are not making an A. Keep trying and keep practicing. You'll get it right! Then you can learn a new skill and begin to put it into practice. El and I ask each other often, "How is your love tank?" If the love tank is anything other than full, the follow up question is "What can I do to make it better?" Don't expect your marriage to just be wonderful without some evaluation. 
5. Spend some time reflecting. How much time? Maybe once a week or monthly. Think about areas where you need to improve and areas where you are doing well. Ask your spouse ideas on how to improve those weak areas and work together to become better spouses. Reflection allows us time to view ourselves and analyze our flaws. It doesn't make us weak to admit that we need improving. It makes us mature and it shows that we care about the health of our marriage. I spend a lot time analyzing ways I can become a better spouse. I pray and ask God to make me a better wife. To make me the wife that El needs. I think about conversations where I could have said something different or extended grace quicker. I know the struggles of having a full plate with work, school, kids, etc. and wondering how do I make time for my marriage. If you invest in your marriage, I promise you'll see the rewards. I have. And I was about to walk away thinking my marriage was dead and that it could not be resurrected. But Glory be to God! Not only can He raise Lazarus from the dead, but He can resurrect dead marriages. However, you still have to put in some work! 

I hope you will take the time to improve the quality of your marriage. Even if your marriage is scoring an A+, there's always room to learn new skills for maintenance. It's when you stop learning that your marriage grows stagnant. Are you working on your marriage? I hope the answer is yes!

Still working,
Zina