My first ministry...

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

Let me start by saying...I love being married! I have wanted to be a wife for as long as I can remember. I knew the kind of wife I would be long before I was married. Even though I never saw a good example of marriage, I knew how I wanted my marriage to be. I knew that I would put my husband first after God because my husband would be my first ministry. I also knew that I wanted to be a good homemaker and make my husband feel comfortable after a long day of work.

My marriage should represent God's love for the church. Some people may never physically read a Bible; however, they will read my marriage. So when others look at my marriage, they need to see a good representation of God's love for the church. If my ministry at home is weak, then my ministry outside the home will be weak also. How can I tell someone else about God when the life I live as a spouse doesn't represent Christ. That doesn't mean that my marriage will be perfect, but it should exemplify a Christian marriage of love, kindness, forgiveness, and the other Fruit of the Spirit.  

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

What does a marriage look like when your spouse is your first ministry? 
1. You will follow God as you build a relationship with Christ by reading the Word and praying everyday. You will apply those things you learn from reading God's Word.
2. Make your spouse your first priority...by making your marriage intentional. Spend time with your spouse daily by talking and listening to each other. Check in with your spouse. Check with your spouse before you make any decisions. Keep your spouse informed.
3. Love and respect your spouse as Christ loves the church and the church reveres Christ. Speak kindly and look for ways to serve your spouse.
4. Pray for your spouse and for your marriage. Ask God to make your marriage stronger and better. Take your issues to God instead of gossiping about them. Ask God to make your spouse the spouse you need and to keep temptations away from your marriage.
5. Pray for yourself. Ask God to make you the spouse you need to be for your husband/wife. 

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

Your first ministry should be your spouse... not the church, the ministry you serve in at church, your children, your parents, or anyone/anything else. Having a relationship with God does not mean that you neglect your spouse while you serve the church. Make your marriage a priority. 1 Peter 3. Your marriage will be blessed and your spouse will appreciate it. 

What we did to get to 20!

Photo by Keith Jefferson

El and I just celebrated 20 years of marriage... (pause). That's no small feat especially in a day and time when marriages are not surviving past 3 years. And those that do make it past the 7 year itch, are not thriving; they are just living as roommates. El and I are often asked what we are doing to have this type of relationship. The answer is simple (or maybe not), we work at it! And by work - I mean we're kind to one another. We communicate throughout the day. We communicate when we get home from work. We spend time together. Real Time. Not just a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday. But we spend 1-2 hours a night (every night) connecting whether it's watching our favorite TV shows or talking. And we are giving each other our full attention. We recently started working out together in the mornings before work. We have a standing date night every week and sometimes we go out 2 more times outside of our date night. We're thoughtful toward each other, meaning we think about each other during the day and may sometimes buy a small gift (i.e. card, candy) to show our thoughtfulness. We also show thoughtfulness in our kind words toward one another. We're intimate with each other by kissing and touching. We keep each other informed of things going on in our lives. We put God first by doing a devotion every morning and discussing it. So we aren't doing anything out of the ordinary or so we thought.

However, we've come to find out that most couples are not doing

Photo by Keith Jefferson

these things in their marriage. They aren't having honest communication. They aren't spending real time together. They aren't going on a date every week. They aren't thoughtful toward one another. They aren't intimate by kissing and touching. They don't keep each other informed of their whereabouts or whatever. They aren't spending time with God and they certainly aren't discussing God's Word together. The question is why? Why does this seem so hard to do? Isn't your marriage important enough to put in the work? Don't you love your spouse enough to talk to them and spend time with them? Maybe so, but maybe you love yourself more. Maybe what you want is far more important than what your spouse wants. Maybe you've already done all of this and got nothing in return on your investment. Maybe there are past hurts and you feel your spouse doesn't deserve it. Maybe ...I could go on and on. But the final analysis comes down to this -- do you want a great marriage or do you want a roommate? Does your marriage reflect God's love for the church? And when others see you, do they see a person with great joy which stems from a great marriage? Or do they see a bitter person not able to move on from past hurts? Are you driving people toward God or away from His Kingdom?

I'll be the first to admit, I didn't think the work was worth it. But I see the fruits of our labor. I've seen the fruits of our labor for some time now and I don't ever want to go back to being roommates. I love the intimacy and the feeling of overwhelming love I get being with El. However, I know in order for us to stay in this space, we have to continue to work at it. It's like planting a rose bush, cultivating it, and watching it bloom into something beautiful. Then forget about it for a couple of weeks and expect it to continue blossoming. Without the continued pruning and cultivating, your roses will die. The same is with a marriage...without the continued pruning and cultivating, it will die.

Photo by Keith Jefferson

El and I are on auto pilot now... we wake up, spend time with God, workout, communicate, share intimacy, spend time together, date, pray, sleep, wake up and repeat. Every day the same (not boring) except when we throw in a small token of thoughtfulness like a card, flowers, or a candlelight dinner. But for the most part, we are in the routine of making our marriage work for us. We made it to 20 years and we're not just surviving, we're thriving! We're cultivating our marriage so it continues to blossom!  

Are you Ready?

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Join us 10.15.16!

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Marriage Conference 2016

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You're all I need...

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

What is your idea of marriage? Have you thought about what your marriage would be like? If you are married, did your marriage turn out like you planned? Did you pray for a spouse? Did God answer your prayers? Have you been a good example of a godly woman/man?

I've wanted to be married for as long as I could remember. I thought about the kind of wife I would be and what my life would be like as a married woman. When I was dating, I remember praying and asking God if the person I was dating at that particular time would be my husband. God always told me "no". There were even times when I tried to bargain with God. But thank God His answer was still no! ...Until I met El. Sigh, deep breath. Thank you Lord!

When I would pray for a husband, I would ask God to make this man a God-fearing man. A man that would serve and love Him, for I knew if this man loved and served God, he would definitely love and serve me. I didn't talk specifics about the way I wanted this man to look because that was insignificant. I didn't ask for him to be rich or make a lot of money because that was irrelevant. Appearances fade and money can go away. I did ask that he have a good relationship with his earthly father and would know how to be a good husband and father himself. Then, after dating a while and having a child out of wedlock, God sent El! What can I say about El...hmmmm let me see. Well, at first, he didn't seem to be my "type". He was a jock. I didn't date jocks - basketball or football players because I didn't want a popular guy. He was younger than me by 4 years. I didn't date younger guys. At least not that young. He was 20 when I met him and I didn't think he was mature enough to be a father. However, El was all I needed! He had a wonderful relationship with his own father which made him a wonderful father to CJ. He wanted to be a better man and he was willing to get back in church...the start of a relationship with Christ. I learned not to put God in a box. I was looking for something else, but God had sent my husband and he was right in front of me. El said when he first saw me, he knew I would be his wife. He didn't even know me. How did he know that? But he said he knew. He said he told his father that day, that he met his wife! And he had a girlfriend at this time, but he knew I was his wife! Wow!

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

It would seem to be the start of a great relationship. El and I became best friends. We talked for hours. We spent all our free time together. However, when El and I first got married, we really didn't know how to be married. We knew some of the basics. We knew we wanted to become one. We joined bank accounts. We didn't use the word "stepdad". We shared household chores. I cooked most nights and we ate together. We were intimate. However, we didn't know how to communicate effectively. We argued and yelled a lot. We didn't know how to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. We didn't know how to love each other properly. And most importantly, we didn't have a real relationship with Christ.

Why am I saying all this? Because many of us want to be married, but don't know how. Even those of us that are married, aren't experiencing true joy. I mean the joy of wanting to be around your spouse all the time just because you like them. The joy of wanting to love on them. The joy of experiencing love. The joy of just being in the same room and smiling because they are there. The joy of syncing your schedules and planning time to be together. The joy of talking throughout the day and then some more when you get home. The joy of true love! The joy of liking your spouse! Most of us aren't experiencing this kind of marriage. Most of us don't know how to experience this kind of marriage. Most of us are married, but the meaning of this word is distorted. Basically, it means that we are roommates. We share the house, but we don't share the bedroom. We don't even share the bills. You pay your bills and I'll pay mine. In fact, sometimes we don't even share the same sink!

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

El and I didn't have it all together when we first got married. In fact, we still don't have it all together. But what we do have are the tools to obtain a better marriage. However, the tools are worthless if we don't actually use them. We've learned to use the tools; therefore, we are learning to get it together. There's one thing I know for sure...El is all I need. I don't have a need or a desire for anyone else. I can't even imagine myself with anyone else. He's just my type. Just for me! I love spending time with him. I can't wait to get home to him everyday. I don't like being away from him. I have a peacefulness with him. He's all I need! And everyday I am learning how to be the wife he needs and I am praying that he continues to be the husband I need.

Get the tools and use them so you can have the marriage God wants you to have. So you will have all you need in your spouse.

You can start by joining El and I on October 15, 2016 at 9am for our 2016 Marriage Conference. It's Free and open to all married, engaged, seriously dating couples, and singles. Register HERE! This event has ended. Please stay tuned for upcoming events.

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

Speak Kindly

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My God (MG)!

I have been debating whether or not I should write this post for a while now. It's not that I'm ashamed or don't want to be transparent. Because I've let you into just about every other aspect of my life. However, this is different. I don't want people to look at me differently or treat me differently. I don't want to be 'handled with care'. I want to be normal (whatever that is). I was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis (or MG) on June 29, 2016. [When you get a chance Google it].

For a few years, I have been suffering silently with muscle weakness. (I now know that MG can go into remission and so I believe there were times I didn't experience symptoms). The first time I fell was in 2012 while working out on the elliptical. At this time, I thought my electrolytes were low. And I didn't show any symptoms after that until 2014. Then I fell again in 2014 while attending Brown Baptist Church when I was walking into the building. I thought my shoes were too high or that my legs were just tired. Soon afterwards, I started having a problem walking in stilettos (which I had never had before). Eventually I realized I couldn't walk in them and gave them away at church. Then I fell again this past April while walking back into my building at work. The whole day while at work I was thinking that my legs felt weak and wobbly. My first thought was since I had completed a full week of working out the week before, my legs just needed rest. Then I started thinking that I needed to go to the doctor and get checked. [There were a whole heap of other symptoms that I continued to compensate for and explain in my mind as fatigue.]



To make a long story short...my neurologists 
concluded after several tests that it was Myasthenia Gravis. I had never heard of this and most people I talk to have never heard of it either. However, from everything I've read and the symptoms I've experienced, I know his diagnosis is correct. One thing that is disheartening is that MG patients suffer muscle weakness that can get worse after exercising. Which is counterproductive for someone trying to lose weight. 

But. My God! Everything happens for a reason and I know this is just another 'test' that I must pass. I am praying for healing (even though there is no cure for MG only treatment) and even if God does not heal me, I know He is able! 

So my new way of living will be slightly different than before. Instead of stilettos, I'll rock cute wedges or low heels. Instead of strenuous exercise, I'll eat better and do light exercise. Instead of long walks, I'll take breaks. Instead of late nights, I'll get more rest.

I have been blessed to have the best support system in the world! El takes great care of me and together we can weather any storm. This is just another chance for God to show up and show out! I give Him all the praise and I count it all joy! God is faithful and He is just. Thank you Lord for trials and tribulations, because it is the trials and tribulations that remind me of who You are! 

So instead of Myasthenia Gravis, I'll take MG for My God! Won't He do it! Yes He will! 

16 Questions (adapted from Vogue's 73 Questions)

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A quarter of a century...

Twenty-five years ago, I was 20 years old and a few months from my 21st birthday. I was about to be legally able to drink and get into clubs. I was also pregnant and in labor giving birth to my first and only child. My life as I knew it was about to change forever. However, I had no idea what that change would mean.

CJ was born on Sunday, July 28, 1991 at 10:30am. From day one, I knew he would be different and that he was destined for greatness. He was the greatest baby ever. He rarely cried and loved classical music (which I played for him often to help him sleep). He was such a jovial baby, always laughing and smiling. When CJ was 4 years old, the greatest man ever walked into our lives and we became a family. During the next twenty years of CJ's life, I was able to witness him grow into the awesome man he is today.

I've been blessed to see him become Valedictorian of his 5th grade class. Seen his growth spurt during middle school. Watched him beat the drums in high school and develop his own sense of style. Witnessed several phases of different hairstyles (which he is still experimenting with- lol). Experienced college graduation with him and the next chapter of his life.


At 25, CJ loves The Lord and tries to set a good example for others. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. Happy Birthday, Son! I thank God for another year to witness your greatness and the things He has in store for you.

Closeness

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Sex, remember that?

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Recap of Instagram Photo a Day Challenge #gulove2016

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The "In love" phenomenon...is it just a myth?

Do you know what it feels like to be in love? I do! I don't even know if I have the words to describe this feeling. However, I will say that being in love comes with risks. Because in order to achieve this "in love" feeling, you have to open yourself up to the vulnerability that comes with it. You have to let your guard down and take off the masks. You have to be exposed. And sometimes exposure can leave you unprotected. That can be scary. Especially if you've been hurt before in your past. 

Before I met El, I knew hurt. It lived on my street. It parked it's car in my garage. However, the more I got to know El, I was able to kick hurt to the curb and say good riddance forever. ...Or at least that's what I thought. When we first got together, I exposed myself to El in a way I had never exposed myself before. I was completely vulnerable and open. I took off the "bullet proof vest" that covered my frail heart and tossed it in the garbage. I was free. I was open. I was ...well...I was in love. ...And...then...my whole world came crashing down. Like Sade says...it hit me like a slow bullet (Where was that dang vest? Oh I had tossed it in the garbage). I was so in love with you. You rarely see a love that's true. Wasn't that enough for you? Wasn't that enough for you? I would climb a mountain. I wouldn't want to see you fall. Rock climb for you and give you a reason for it all. ...hit me like a slow bullet...

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

So I ask you again...is the "in love" phenomenon a myth? Is there such a thing as being truly in love? I think so! Yes! But if you never take off your bullet proof vest and open your heart, you'll never truly experience it. I will admit I had to get another bullet proof vest after I got hit. In fact, I didn't just get another vest, I built a brick wall around my heart. Impenetrable, just like Fort Knox. I had a heart of stone. Not even cupid's arrow could break through. But God! (God can always break through) God restored our marriage and restored our love. Not only do we love each other, but we are in love with each other. 

Once again, I tossed that bullet proof vest aside. Why? To truly experience love again. And this time...well this time, it's so much better than before. If I was wearing the vest this time around, I wouldn't be able to feel the penetration of El's arrow to my heart. So am I open? Yes! Wide open. Will I get hurt again? I don't know. It's possible because I'm exposed. But that is a risk I'm willing to take for love. True love can only occur when you are wide open. So El, hit me with your best shot. Fire away!  

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

Does the world know you're in love?

The divorce rate is steadily rising and what's worse is the divorce rate within the Christian community is almost as high as the secular world. How are Christian marriages supposed to show an example of God's love for the church if we are not exhibiting that love in our homes? Does the world know you love your spouse? When others see you and your spouse, does it make them want a marriage like yours? Or do they think it is better to stay single? Maybe you and your spouse don't care what the world thinks about your marriage. Or maybe you put up a good front in public to make people believe that you're happy and behind closed doors you aren't even speaking. However, you can only play act for so long and your actions will show your real happiness. 

Now do I expect for you and your spouse to be smiling and loving every moment of every day? Not at all. There will be some times that you will be upset with your spouse. There will be moments when you've been hurt. But don't allow your pain to fester. Resolve conflicts quickly so you don't lose that precious time. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Love each other today! And love each other hard. 

On June 1, 2016, El and I will start a 30 day of love photo challenge on Instagram. We hope you'll join us. The purpose is to show the world that married couples are in love. That we do love on each other and marriage is awesome. Join us by posting pictures pertaining to the theme for each day and tag your pictures using the hashtag #gulove2016 (the gu stands for God's Union). Oh, did I mention that we will be giving away cash prizes? 

Does the world know you're in love? I hope you'll take this opportunity to show them. 

Are you truly content?

Can you look at someone and tell if they are genuinely happy or that they have great joy? Have you ever noticed the joy on someone's face that you run into at the store? Do you notice how radiant your coworkers are when they come into work in the morning? Or is it just the opposite, the people around you seem angry and aggravated for no reason? 

Does your own happiness or joy spill over into every area of your life? Can others see you are genuinely content? Do your coworkers like to be around you because of your delightful spirit? I believe when you are truly content in your marriage, you will be truly content in other areas of your life. And others will be able to see the contentment you exhibit. 

God provides this type of joy in your life as well. When you know who you belong to, you don't worry. When you have a real relationship with Christ, you have a certain kind of joy! A joy that's an unspeakable joy. But what if that joy was combined with the joy of having a loving and supportive spouse that also has a real relationship with Christ? A spouse that wants to please you because pleasing you would please God? A spouse that loves you like Christ loves you? A spouse that wants to be a better person? What if you had this kind of spouse? What if you were this kind of spouse? Close your eyes for a moment. Can you envision this kind of life? Think about how your life would be different if you and your spouse had this type of marriage. How different your conversations would be. How you handle conflict would be different. How much time you spend apart would be different. How your intimacy level would be different. 

Ephesians 5:22-32 describes marriage in comparison to Christ and the church. The message bible explains it well: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

Whew! What a marriage? So, are you truly content? Are you married to someone who pleases Christ? Are you a spouse that is pleasing to Christ? If not, what's stopping you from being the best spouse ever and being truly content? You won't always have good days, but I guarantee your good days will outnumber your bad ones. 

Signed,

Truly Content! 

I bet you didn't know...

While in a dating relationship, there are many things that we learn about one another. Usually, you spend a lot of time talking and getting to know your partner. Hopefully, you are also taking the time to examine if the relationship is right for you, especially if you are thinking about marriage. 

When El and I dated, we spent a lot of time talking. One of the things I really liked about El was the fact that I could be myself with him. Not my made up self, but my real self. The real self that didn't need lipstick on before he could see me. The real self that didn't have to be a size 8. The real self that could burp and fart around him without shame (I'm just being real here). This is not to say that I disrespected El or didn't care about him, but it was just the opposite. I allowed El to see a part of me that no one else had ever seen and I didn't care that he was looking. In fact, I wanted him to see me. I wanted to show him every facet of me. All the good and all the bad of me. And that's when it hit me...El was the one for me! He was the one God had sent just for me! And I didn't care about seeing all of him either. I wanted to know everything about El. All the nitty gritty grimy stuff about him. And I love every piece of him. I want to share some of those pieces of us with you. So I'm giving you 5 things I bet you didn't know about us. It's okay if you already know these things, just pretend you don't, lol! And I'm only giving you 5 because you can't know everything about us, we have to keep some things sacred, gosh!

5 things I bet you didn't know about El 

I bet you didn't know that when El laughs, sometimes he snorts...and I love it!

I bet you didn't know that El makes up a song about everything and sings all time...and even though sometimes it gets on my nerves, I still love it!

I bet you didn't know that sometimes I catch El staring at me from across the room...and I love it!

I bet you didn't know that El loves spending time with CJ (our son), talking about whatever...and I love it!

I bet you didn't know that El supports me unconditionally...and I love it!

5 things I bet you didn't know about me

I bet you didn't know that I struggle to lose weight (because I love food) but also because I think I look good in my clothes...and El loves it!

I bet you didn't know that I want to spend all my free time with El...and I think he loves it! (lol)

I bet you didn't know that I can't go to sleep without the TV on...and it drives El crazy!

I bet you didn't know that I love cute hairstyles but don't particularly like doing my hair and will throw on a wig with the quickness...and I hope El loves it!

I bet you didn't know that I am super crazy about our son but we play fight often...and it drives El crazy! 

I bet you didn't know that El and I love each other like crazy and love spending time together. We love you too and we want the best for your marriages and relationships. We pray for you often. 

What are 5 things you didn't know about your spouse or significant other? Take the time to find out something new about him/her. Feel free to share what you discover.

 

Don't Judge a book by it's Cover

I'm a former English Teacher and an avid reader. I love books. I like how I'm drawn to a book by its colorful cover. The smell of new pages and interesting summary gets me every time. However there are times when I've almost passed up a good read because of an unattractive cover. This happens in life as well. We have a certain picture in mind of how we want our spouse to look and we might even pray to God for particular characteristics. Then we pass up those persons God sends our way because they aren't packaged the way we think they should be.

That was almost the case with El and I. I was praying to God for a spouse and I asked Him for all the great qualities I think a man should have. But when I met El, I almost passed him up because he wasn't packaged the way I thought he should be. God knew what I needed and God sent me exactly what I needed. I just didn't know at the time El was the one. But I'm so glad I decided to open the cover and turn a few pages to peruse the contents before setting the book down for good. I only needed to read the prologue and the summary to determine that El was going to hold my interest. And I was right! He was certainly a page turner but not in the way that I will finish reading him quickly. He has sequels that will never end. In fact there are parts of his story that haven't been written yet and when they're published I'll be first in line to get the one and only copy.

Don't judge a book by its cover. For those of you who are single, your book may be staring you right in the face. And for those married, dust that book jacket off and explore the endless possibilities of love. How is your story going to end?

No cash No gas - video

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Tuesday Tip #11: Endless Love

From the outside, El and I appear to have it all put together. However, even though we've come a long way, we still have a long way to go. We have learned so much about being married through marriage conferences, books, podcasts, and teaching. Our marriage class lesson this past Sunday was based on Bill Elliff's 8 Lies that Destroy Marriage. One of the lies states, "If I don't love my spouse any longer, I should get a divorce." 

This lie resonated with me because I thought about the time period when I felt as if I no longer loved El because of infidelity and I wanted a divorce. But God! If I had not stayed, we would not have gotten to reap the wonderful benefits that we now enjoy. Sometimes it may seem that because you no longer love your spouse that divorce is inevitable. But love can be restored and renewed (read "Can my marriage be healed after infidelity"). We're living proof, our love has been restored and renewed! We have been through the fire and come out on the other side as pure gold. 

Our love is endless. El is my best friend and even though we don't always see eye to eye, one thing is for sure, I will always love him and he will always love me. And this isn't the kind of love that just says we love. This is the kind of love that shows we love! Is it perfect? Never. But it's real! 

Is your love endless? 

This week's tip is to look for those good qualities in your spouse and tell them how much they mean to you. Make your love endless. 




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