An Interview with the husband...

Take a moment and listen to the interview with my husband. Click here.

Don't forget about the Marriage Enrichment Conference this Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am.

God Bless!

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #2: My marriage can't be helped...

Myth #2: My marriage can't be helped...there is no hope for us. God has not changed. He is the same God yesterday as He is today! If God can raise the dead, heal the sick, cause the blind to see; then why don't you believe that He can heal your marriage? When you go to the doctor for an illness, you are expecting the doctor to give you something that will make you feel better and cure your symptoms. But what will happen if the doctor prescribes medication and you don't take it as prescribed? Chances are you won't feel better. The same is true with God. First, we have to go to Him with our symptoms (pray about our problems in the marriage) and then we have to take the medicine (obey God's Word) and expect that something will happen. There is always hope for your marriage...as long as the two of you are still breathing; there is hope!


1 Corinthians 2:11 states that, "Who ever knows what you’re thinking and planning except you yourself? The same with God—except that he not only knows what he’s thinking, but he lets us in on it "(MSG). Your spouse cannot read your mind; therefore, if something is wrong, they will only know if you tell them. Intimacy develops as you tear down the walls of defensiveness and become naked and unashamed before your spouse (Gen. 2:25). Stop believing the lie that the enemy is telling you - that there is no hope. There is hope for your marriage. Will the journey be easy? No. Nothing in life worth having is easy. Will there be stumbling blocks and will you get sidetracked? Possibly. But just like your Christian journey to build a better relationship with God...some days are going to be better than others. Don't give up! Keep pushing! Keep praying and reading God's Word! He does hear and answer His children (Ps. 116:1). There is hope for your marriage.

Dear Lord, I ask that you bless our marriages and heal them. Whatever problems we may have, I ask that you remove them now, in the name of Jesus. I ask that you come into our homes and quicken our spirits that we will want to have a deeper relationship with you; that we will take the time to read your Word and spend time with You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Don't forget to register for the upcoming Marriage Conference on October 25 @ 9:30am. For more information, go to www.godsunionmm.com.

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #1: There's nothing wrong with my marriage...

Myth #1: There's nothing wrong with my marriage... so I don't need to attend a marriage conference or class.
My husband and I started a marriage ministry in our home in 2007 because we understood the need for marriages to be strengthened. We also wanted to share our experience and let couples know that marriages can be blissful (even after infidelity)! Many couples get married only to experience a sense of dissatisfaction later and have no idea how to regain that satisfaction. Most of us expect that our spouses will change and become the person we want them to be; however, as we evolve and our desires change, we expect them to continually change. And when they don't change, we become bitter. Then what usually happens is that we become complacent in the state of dissatisfaction and believe the lie that there is nothing wrong with our marriages. Granted, there may be nothing wrong with your marriage; but why not make a good marriage great! However, if there is something wrong, why not get the tools to make it better?

When we started our ministry, we asked several couples to join us, but only two couples showed up. We don't know why the other couples did not attend; maybe they were busy or couldn't get a babysitter (or God's intervention). So for a couple of months we sat with two other couples once a month and used Gary Chapman's: A Couple's Guide to a Growing Marriage (which is now entitled: The Marriage You've Always Wanted), which would be the first tool in the handy tool kit we were building. The first chapter takes you right to God, Enhancing my conversation with God! This chapter taught us not only how to communicate with God, but also how He communicates with us. It also taught us how to develop a closer relationship with God by reading His Word and then responding to His Word. Just when I thought I knew how to have a relationship with God (because I taught Sunday School), it gets better! Now it's intentional and not just reading the bible to teach a class.

Many of us are using our parents or grandparents as examples of how to have a good marriage. But the truth of the matter is (and if you're honest) many of our parents or grandparents didn't have good marriages. They slept in separate beds (or bedrooms), they were abused or abusive (verbally, mentally or physically), they were controlled or controlling, they didn't respect each other, they didn't talk to each other, there was repeated infidelity, there was no relationship with God, and some of them were miserable but they stayed married because that's what you did back then.

So why attend a marriage conference or class? Because even if there's nothing wrong with your marriage, your marriage can become better! If you're not growing, then you're dying. Nothing stays the same. You're either progressing or regressing. Why not grow? What are you afraid of? But if there is something wrong with your marriage, wouldn't you want to make that discovery and then work to make it better? Eventually, the stuff you keep shoving under the rug is going to trip you. Our marriages won't grow if we don't "water" them.

Join us for a Marriage Enrichment Conference on Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am. This is a free event! Most conferences and workshops can cost anywhere from $25 - $200 or more (we've gone to a conference that was $179). Take advantage of this free event! Register today at www.godsunionmm.com.

Stay tuned for Myth #2...

Marriage Enrichment Conference 2014!

Join us Saturday, October 25, 2014 at 9:30am for a 
Free Marriage Enrichment Conference
New Salem Missionary Baptist Church
2237 S. Parkway East
Memphis, TN  38114
Register Now!

Let's dispel the myths of marriage and renew love today! 

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 4: Renewing Purpose

     




So I told you that about 10 years ago, my husband had an adulterous affair. Well, because of that, I now know my purpose (disclaimer: you don't have to go through a traumatic event to know your purpose). Before this happened, I had a strong feeling (Holy Spirit) to start a marriage ministry; however, afterwards I didn't want to because I wasn't sure if I was even going to stay married. Now, I understand that that had to happen for me to have a testimony to help other couples understand that God can heal your marriage after infidelity. Would I say that I wanted this to happen to fulfill my purpose? Of course not! Who wants to go through turmoil and embarrassment. But God! If I knew then what I know now, I would have done some things differently. I would have forgiven quickly and I would not have sought revenge. During the process of releasing forgiveness, I sinned a lot! I had an unforgiving heart. I had a hardened heart. I wanted to walk away from my marriage. I was evil and downright disobedient to God. I also didn't have the type of relationship then that I now have with my Father (Thank You Jesus!). This experience has taught me to depend on Christ more and to be obedient in spite of my spouse. You have to be accountable for your own sins. Your spouse can't go to heaven or hell for you and they can't save you from heaven or hell. Only what you do for Christ will last (1 Cor. 9:24-27). So with that said...my husband and I have renewed our purpose in Christ. We started a marriage ministry (God's Union) in our home in 2007 and even though I was still sinning (I still had an unforgiving heart); however, I was obedient to God's tug to start ministry.[Note: I'm not perfect - I am still a sinner saved by grace]. However, after a year of starting ministry, I was still purposely sinning. But I was tormented by my sin. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. My stomach was always in knots. I was miserable. I still wanted to seek revenge and I still wanted my husband to hurt like I did. But God! In 2008 we had a "come to Jesus" meeting with our ministry and it was then that I started to see an inkling of hope and started to allow the walls of hardness to come down. There was a lot of crying during this meeting...the ministry we started to help other couples was actually helping us! Look at how God works! Just to give you some dates - the affair took place in 2003; I found out in November of 2003; started marriage ministry January 2007; it was around July 2008 that I started wanting my marriage again.

Most of us aren't married to a spouse who wants to hurt us. They don't wake up in the morning with the purpose of making our lives miserable. However, when they do hurt us, we need to seek Christ and ask our Father for help in restoring the relationship and renewing our purpose. Exodus 9:16 says: But I have spared you for a purpose—to show you my power and to spread my fame throughout the earth. Even though God was talking to Pharaoh here; I feel God was also talking to me. He spared my marriage for a purpose. I was going to walk away and miss the rewards I am now reaping. There is a purpose for your life and for your marriage. I know you think the purpose for your marriage is to make you happy. You can be happy, but you won't always be happy and there is a greater purpose that God has for your life and your marriage. Your marriage is to show God's love for the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). Now I'm not saying that in your purpose, you will start a ministry (but maybe you will); however, ask God what is it that you and your spouse are supposed to be doing to build up God's kingdom. Whether it's spreading the gospel with your loving actions toward one another or teaching a Sunday School class together, there is something that you are supposed to be doing to build up the kingdom of God. Now you can't fulfill your purpose if you don't know God. You have to get in His Word and talk to Him. You also have to be obedient to His Word. He has information for you. He wants great things for your marriage. Again, both of you need to know God. Seek Him with all your heart. Ask Him what His plans are for you. Renew your purpose with God and in your marriage. Do it today!
Check out Drs. Les and Leslie's post on The Purpose Driven Marriage .

I understand that there are many extenuating circumstances and you may not have a spouse that is willing to seek forgiveness or even turn from his/her adulterous behavior. But there is hope in God and remember sometimes separation is necessary until the other person seeks help. However, make sure that you have not sinned while trying to reconcile so if separation is needed, you will not have any regrets or feel guilty - knowing that you did all you could do to heal your marriage.

Let me know what you think. Leave a comment. Are you renewing your purpose? Have you searched the scripture for your meaning on earth? What insights have you gained? How will you use your marriage to fulfill God's kingdom?

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 3: Restoring Intimacy

Gen 2:24-25 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.(NIV)

Once you've released forgiveness and started rebuilding trust, you can begin to restore intimacy. Restoring intimacy means being open and vulnerable (don't confuse this with weakness) with one another. Allow your defensive walls to come down and share intimate details of your life with your spouse. If intimacy was not there before infidelity, then take this time to build intimacy. Here are some tips to help you restore intimacy. 

1. Pray together. One of you can pray aloud for both of you or you can pray silently together. Pray for healing and pray for a better marriage.

2. Study the Word together. A good place to start is Ephesians 5. Get a study bible or a commentary and read verses together and discuss how you will apply those verses to your everyday life. 

3. Listen to a Podcast together. My husband and I usually spend Sunday mornings (while getting ready for church) listening to Podcasts as part of our morning devotion. Then we discuss them and how they relate to our lives. Suggestions for Podcasts: Marriage Today, Jimmy and Karen Evans; America's Family Coaches on OnePlace.com, Gary and Barb Rosberg; Together in the Word, Gary Chapman; there are many more. 

4. Communicate with one another. Spend some quality time, face-to-face with your spouse communicating. Turn off the TV, the phone, and close the computer and look in your spouse's eyes. Actively listen to them and respond to their comments. Communication is not one sided. Both parties have to talk and both parties have to listen and this cannot be done at the same time. Also show interest in your spouse's conversation. Your spouse will not want to share with you if he/she feels you are not interested in what they are talking about. Remember, infidelity usually occurs because one person feels devalued in the relationship (this is not an excuse; however, if you don't listen to your spouse, someone else will). 

5. Touch each other often. Physical touch builds intimacy. A simple back rub, holding hands, a kiss, or a hug can make a person feel special and that they are important. Make touching a priority; even if you're not a touchy-feely person, make a point to touch your spouse often. 

Restoring intimacy requires being in tune with your spouse. Studying them and knowing their likes and dislikes. Make your spouse a priority and restore intimacy in your marriage today. 

*Take the 5 Love Language assessment and find out you and your spouse's love language. Learn to speak your spouse's love language often. 

What do you think? On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not so good and 10 being awesome...where would you say your intimacy level is in your marriage? If you said 5 or below; which of the tips above can you start doing today to improve intimacy in your marriage? Leave a comment. Which of these five tips are you willing to commit to this week? Or share what you're already doing to improve intimacy.

Stay tuned for the final part: Renewing Purpose

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust

After we release forgiveness, we need to rebuild the trust if we want our marriage to be completely healed. Rebuilding trust can be a long and arduous process. However, in order to rebuild trust, both parties involved must be willing and submit to the Lord's Will. This is not always an easy process because when someone betrays your trust, you are expecting them to betray it again. But trust can be rebuilt. Trust me!


Finally, after many years, my husband and I have rebuilt the trust in our marriage. Often, I'm asked, "So, do you really trust him?" And I reply, "I trust God to protect me and my marriage. My husband is human and he will make mistakes. I put my trust in a perfect God!" This may sound like I don't trust him. However, I do. I'm not looking through phone records or expecting him to mess up. But he is also doing his part - by guarding my heart and keeping me informed so I won't assume or be blindsided. Rebuilding trust doesn't mean that you are a fool and will be blind to another offense. It also doesn't mean that you will continue to expect that person to mess up again. You have to turn your attention to God - a perfect God that will protect you and your marriage. People are human and we are imperfect. So we will let you down and we will mess up. That is why God sent His Son to die for our sins; because God knew that we would need new mercy and grace every day! Rebuilding trust also means the offender must be an open book with their lives (phone, email accounts, whereabouts, etc.) Trust cannot be rebuilt if secrets are constantly kept and if the offender is still unable to be located when away from his/her spouse. Remember it takes both parties to rebuild trust. And every time there is another offense, you move back to square one in rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust in your marriage means granting new mercy and grace every day. Your spouse is never going to be perfect. They are never going to do what you want them to do at the very moment you want them to do it. We rebuild trust by surrendering to God and allowing Him to get our spouse back on track. However, the offender has to make a concerted effort to rebuild trust as well. He/She can't just act like nothing happened and expect you to get over it. They have to seek reconciliation and they have to make sure they are being honest and open in the marriage. Now the key here is for both of you to have a real relationship with God. Without a relationship with God, you will not be able to grant new mercy and grace. You will not be able to have peace in your marriage after infidelity and you will constantly be waiting for your spouse to mess up again. So you may be saying well what if I have a relationship with God but my spouse doesn't, then what? Good question...then you're going to have to pray for both of you. You are going to have to stay on knees before God asking Him to heal your marriage. You are going to have to stay in the Word seeking guidance from God. Again, this is not a license for your spouse to cheat repeatedly and expect your love. If your spouse is a habitual cheater, then he/she may need to seek professional help and you may need to separate until they seek help so you won't be putting yourself at risk for STDs or emotional abuse.

Remember rebuilding trust is two-fold. Just as your marriage takes two people; so does rebuilding trust! The person offended slowly breaks down the walls of a hardened heart and the offender seeks to regain trust by being open and keeping their spouse informed. The two of you must work at rebuilding trust.
**A good book is Guard Your Heart, by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
**Here's a quick podcast on Forgiveness and Trust by Gary Chapman Click Here

What do you think? Do you think it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Read Part 3 - Restoring Intimacy

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 1- Releasing Forgiveness

You may think there is no way your marriage can be healed after adultery. Well I'm here to tell you there is hope after infidelity. How do I know? Because my marriage has healed after infidelity. Ten years ago I discovered my husband was having an adulterous affair. (Deep Breath...Sigh) ...I. Was. Devastated...to say the least. I did not think, at the time, our marriage would survive. I struggled daily with putting God's words of forgiveness into action. I even had combative discussions with God about how I can't forgive and that my husband didn't deserve my forgiveness. Whew. That's harsh! Side note: I could clearly see that my husband was sorry for his actions and he sought forgiveness daily. However, that did not make me want to release forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15 explains that we cannot be forgiven if we do not extend forgiveness. This seems so simple, right? Wrong! I mean, I can forgive you if you pull out in front of me in traffic. I can forgive you if you hit my car and put a small scratch on it. I can forgive you if you come home late and forget to call. I can forgive you if you don't do the dishes when you said you were going to do them. BUT... I can't forgive you if you talk about me behind my back. I can't forgive you if you reprimand my child for no reason. I can't forgive you if you have an affair! Forgiveness is not like Burger King. You can't have it your way. Let's look at Matthew 6:14-15 again.  The Message Bible says it like this: "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part." Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's all about you and your reconciliation to God. You can't be forgiven if you don't extend forgiveness. Now I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near perfect and I have a lot of sins that need to be forgiven. Sins that I commit every day! And I need forgiveness. Again, is this easy? No way! I told you I was having conversations with God daily about not wanting to forgive. I couldn't sleep. I lost a lot of weight (partly because of depression from the affair) because I couldn't eat. God would not let me rest. Even when I finally submitted and said that I forgave...I don't think I had in my heart and God still wouldn't let me rest. I thought, like most people, that if I held onto the pain and didn't forgive that I would be hurting the guilty party, but that wasn't the case. My husband was sleeping at night (and this infuriated me more). He might have been hurting, but he was sleeping at night. Why? Because he had made peace with God. He sought forgiveness from God and me and genuinely repented (changed and returned back to God). Still, I wanted to be mad at him and I wanted God to punish him. (Ironically, I don't want God to stay mad at me when I sin, nor do I want to be punished.) So why do we wish this on people who have offended us? Eventually, after I struggled with it...I did forgive - wholeheartedly. However, forgiveness was just the first step in our healing process. There would be more restless nights ahead and still the possibility of divorce. But God! And I mean, but God! God is truly the only reason my marriage is healed.

Forgiveness is not just saying the words. It is releasing that person from bondage. This doesn't mean we forget the offense; it's impossible to erase our memories. However, forgiveness says that we do not allow that person to have a stronghold over our lives. As long as you hold on to the offense by not forgiving, the offender has a hold on your life. And in some instances, forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile to that person. For example, you don't have to return to an abusive relationship. You can forgive your abuser and go on with your life - by not allowing yourself to be put in that abusive situation again or by separating until that person receives professional help. Forgiveness is also not a pass for someone to take you for granted. So you don't have to release forgiveness and then close your eyes or ignore future offenses (even if they are the same offenses that you've already forgiven). You can forgive and separate until that person receives professional help. Maybe they need drug or alcohol rehab; professional counseling for verbal abuse; or whatever professional help they need so they will stop being abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, or verbally) in the relationship.
**A good book about healing in marriage is Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman. (There's a PDF file for this book, here).

What do you think? Is forgiveness something you give freely? Should you offer your spouse unconditional forgiveness? Do you find it harder to forgive your spouse versus someone else? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust.

Do you and your spouse have a relationship with Christ?

by PhotoJennix Studios

Listen to the following podcast on building a relationship with Christ, then tell us how you and your spouse are building a relationship with Christ? What are you doing in your marriage to keep God at the center and how are you thriving in marriage? Go ahead and share your thoughts.

Building a relationship with Christ

Day 28 – Journal

Take a few minutes to write your honest thoughts about this challenge. Your likes and dislikes; your struggles; how you feel about yourself today in comparison to 27 days ago. You may want to leave me a comment about your thoughts. These 28 days were for you and hopefully you love yourself more today than yesterday and you will love yourself more tomorrow than you do today. You won’t have good days all the time, but hopefully you’ll have more good days than bad. Go back through this challenge again in a couple of months and repeat it as often as needed. If you need encouragement or prayer leave a comment.

Thank you for accepting this challenge. I hope that you feel better about yourself and your relationship with God.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to experience your presence and a renewed sense of who I am. Thank for all the women who completed this challenge. Continue to bless them greatly and give us all the encouragement we need to love the person that you made. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 27 - Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Look in the mirror. It’s been 26 days. How do you feel today? Who do you see in the mirror today? Gaze upon God’s holy creation carefully examining His wonderful works. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Meaning you have reverence for God and that He made you unique and special. Therefore, you can accept your body and the way you look because God made us special and for a special purpose. God didn’t make any mistakes when He made you.  You are not here by accident; you have a purpose. Who do you see in the mirror today? You’re God’s child; chosen and special. You are beautiful.

Thank you Lord for making me unique and special. Thank you for your love of me. Thank you for giving the power to love myself. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 26 – No more bad hair days

1 Corinthians 11:15
…but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering.

Ever had a bad hair day? Well don’t let today be the day. Try something different with your hair today. If you have been wearing it down, pin it up. If you have been wearing it up, let it down. Even if it’s a small change like pulling your bangs back or adding kiss curls, try something different. Be a free spirit. Whether your hair is long or short, thick or think – rock it like there’s no tomorrow. You are beautiful.

Thank you Lord for my beauty and for my crowning glory. Lord, whatever needs I have for my hair, let your will be done. Make my hair healthy. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 25 – Free day

Ecclesiastes 7:14
In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other…

Enjoy doing whatever you want to do today. Rest, relax, go to the mall, sleep…whatever you want to do, do it! (Don’t skip work, unless you have some sick days saved up). Enjoy your day.

Thank you Lord for a day of rest; a day of doing whatever. However, remind us to give you all the glory and praises. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 24 - Read it

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Haven’t had time to read that good book or magazine you purchased? Take time today. You may not finish the whole book today, but take 10-15 minutes and read something. Your book, magazine, the bible, or a devotion. Get swept away for a few minutes to take your mind off everything else. Get lost in a good book for a few moments. You deserve it. You’re beautiful.

Thank you, Lord for time. Thank you for your grace and mercy and especially for your word. Give us time to read your word more and spend time in your presence. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Day 23 - Exhale

Job 33:4

The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

When I taught aerobics, the cool down was my favorite part of the class. Today, practice relaxation breathing throughout the day. If you can, close your eyes…breathe in through your nose and blow the air out through your mouth. Do this a few more times and relax all the muscles in your body. Now roll your shoulders back a few times and then roll them forward. Continue to breathe and roll your head from right to left, then left to right. Keep breathing in and out (remember in through the nose & out through the mouth). Squeeze your hands into a fist and hold for 5 seconds, then release, repeat. Shrug your shoulders up and hold for 5 seconds, then release and repeat. Keep breathing. Curl your toes and hold for 5 seconds, release and repeat. Now just relax and breathe in through your nose and exhale out of the mouth. Repeat 5 times. Do this exercise as many times as you can today and 1 more time when you lie down for bed tonight. You may want to do this several times a week. You are beautiful.

Dear Lord, help me to relax more and free my mind of all stressors. Thank You Jesus!