Common Courtesy

Hello. Good morning. Thank you. You're welcome. Excuse me. Please. Is there anything you need? How are you? I miss you. You look nice. I appreciate you. I'm sorry.

There is nothing wrong with a little common courtesy. We learned it grade school. We practiced how to be courteous and cordial. We apply it on our jobs. Why can't we use it in our homes, with our spouses, with our children, with our friends, and relatives?

So many times we take each other for granted and assume we don't have to be courteous because "they know we love them" or "they know how we feel". Your spouse does not know how you feel unless you show it. And what better way to show it than with words and deeds. Let them know that you do appreciate them for preparing dinner. That you are sorry for not calling when you were going to be late. That you do miss them when they are away. That it is a good morning every time you wake up next to them.

Common courtesy - basically the little things you do to make your loved one feel special. It only takes a moment.

Scenario One:

Husband: "Honey I just called to let you know that I was running late and that I should be home before 5pm".

Wife: "Thank you for calling. I really appreciate that. I'll keep your dinner warm."

Scenario Two:

Wife: "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to wash your gym clothes. I will try to get to it by the weekend."

Husband: "That's okay. I know you've been busy. I thank you for thinking about me."

Scenario Three:

Wife: "I'm going in the kitchen, is there anything I can get for you; another dinner roll; some more tea?"

Husband: "Oh sure, I would like some more tea, please."

Scenario Four:

Husband: "Good morning, beautiful."

Wife: "Well hello to you to."

Common courtesy. It only takes a moment. It lasts a lifetime. Safeguard your spouse's heart. Be kind. Be courteous. (Ephesians 4:32).

**It's also okay to use this courtesy with friends, relatives, & people who cross our paths. :)

Thank you.

Where is God in your relationship?

By now most people know about Carrie and Big from Sex and the City and how they finally got married after dating for several years, living together, being jilted at the alter, breaking up, and then getting back together only to finally marry. But where was God in their relationship?

Or how about the four couples that vacation every year together in Why did I get married?: Sheila & Mike (now the Sheriff, Troy), Angela and Marcus, Patricia and Gavin, and Dianne and Terry. Each of these couples struggling with their own issues and problems. Sheila and Troy with financial burdens and trust issues. Angela and Marcus struggling with trust issues. Patricia and Gavin struggling with forgiveness and power. While Dianne and Terry are struggling with intimacy and communication. But again where was God in their relationships?

Or what about the movie Boomerang, Marcus is the ladies' man, dating a different woman every night until he meets his match with Jackie and she treats him the way he's been treating every woman. With a taste of his own medicine, he sulks and finds true love in Angela but doesn't know it until it's too late. At the end of the movie, he eventually gets back with Angela and it seems as if they will live happily ever after. But where was God in their relationship?

Or what about the latest movie, Just Wright. Leslie Wright meets what seems to be the perfect man, Scott McKnight, until her best friend, Morgan, intrudes. Scott thinks Morgan is the perfect woman for him until he is hurt on the court and she feels as if his life is going no where so she leaves him. When Leslie becomes his personal physical therapist, their relationship grows. In the end, Leslie gets her man. But where was God in their relationship?

How about your marriage? Is it a story book romance? Did you have the perfect wedding with all the right floral arrangements and six course meal? Did you wear the long white flowing dress studded with pearls and diamonds? Did you adorn the finest jewelry past down from generations? Did you have on the designer tuxedo with the paisley bow tie and cummerbund? Did you have an outdoor wedding at Botanic Gardens at sunset? Did you have twelve bridesmaids and groomsmen? Did you set doves free at the end of the ceremony and ride away on a horse and carriage? Maybe you had the best photographer and videographer. You probably shared memories with friends and family in your big white cloth covered photo album. You bought several different outfits for each part of the wedding. You had five different cakes because you couldn't decide which one you liked the best. After all of this... after all of this... where is God in your relationship?

Was HE there when you met your spouse? Was HE there when you started dating? Was HE there when you moved in together? Was HE there during the proposal? Was HE there when you started planning the wedding? Was HE there at the wedding ceremony? Was HE there on the honeymoon? Was HE there while you were planning to have children? Was HE there after the children came? Was HE there while your were raising your children? Where is HE in your life; in your relationship; in your relationships? Where is God? Has anyone seen HIM lately?

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33) Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

Don't lose sight of God!

I’m staying…and you’re gonna love me

Veiled Tunisian Women

There was a popular movie out called: Dreamgirls. It was a story about an African-American female singing group (Effie, Deena, & Lorrell), striving to make it big in the industry in the 1960s. The lead singer (Effie) was slightly overweight, but had a gorgeous singing voice. As the ladies became famous, Effie fell in love with the manager of the group (Curtis). Eventually he decided it would be better if Deena was the lead singer because of her physical appearance and her ability to cross over to pop. He eventually fell for this woman and her status and replaced Effie. Upon arriving late to a rehearsal and finding out that she had been replaced by Curtis’ secretary, she became very upset and sang the very popular song, “I’m staying and you’re gonna love me.” However, in the end, he left her and eventually married Deena.

Similarly, a woman in the bible by the name of Ruth declared the same thing: I’m staying…and you’re gonna love me. The story of Ruth is one of the most acclaimed love stories in the bible. It speaks of a love that is ready to denounce all of the past for a new beginning. This story begins with a woman named Naomi who, with her husband and two sons, leaves Bethlehem (their home) because of a famine. They travel to Moab (a city filled with worshippers of idol gods). When they settle in Moab, the family is hit with tragedy as Naomi’s husband dies. After staying another ten years in Moab, the two sons marry Moabite women and then tragedy strikes again. The two sons die. Naomi is left without anyone to care for her except her two daughters-in-law. After hearing that the famine is over in Bethlehem, she decides to go back home. She begins her travels with her daughters-in-law, but then tells them to go back home to their mothers where they may marry again and live joyful lives. Orpah decides to go, but Ruth is determined to stay with her mother-in-law; as she states in Ruth 1:16: “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” She also goes on to say that wherever Naomi is buried, she wants to be buried there also. Ruth is denouncing her family, friends, and everything she has ever known to be with Naomi and her God. After years of worshipping idol gods, Ruth decides that Naomi’s God is with who she wants to be. “I’m staying…and you’re gonna love me.

How many of us are willing to stay with God no matter what? In sickness and in health? In riches or poverty? For better or for worse? Are we with God when times seem hard? Are we with God when it seems as if He is not with us? Are we staying…and know that He is gonna love us?

What about your spouse? Are you staying and making them love you? Are you trying to be the spouse God has called you to be? Are you with your spouse in bad and good times? In sickness and in health? In richness and poverty? For better or for worse? And think about that for a moment…it’s easy to be there for the health, richness, and better. But what about the sickness, poverty, and worse? Are you caring for them, supporting them, and being kind to them? Are you being loving and respectful? Are you staying? And are they gonna love you?

Why can’t we get it right?

What’s wrong with Christians that we always seem to go astray? Why do we continually go to church praising the roof off while we’re there only to walk out the door and curse somebody in the parking lot? Why do we pretend that we love God; but act like we don’t know Him at work? Why do we constantly backbite and gossip about others instead of helping them to be better? Why are our marriages failing almost as quickly as the world’s? Why aren’t we willing to work on the marriage that God has designed and ordained? Why are we so quick to throw in the towel; only to be bitter and lonely? Why can’t we get it right?

In every walk of life, there appears to be an instructional manual on how to build, construct, repair, and maintain. When you buy any equipment from the store, such as a bookcase, a table, a lawn mower, a bar-b-que grill, etc. there is an instructional manual. The manual tells you how many pieces came with the item and how the pieces fit together. The manual tells you approximately how long it will take to put the item together. The manual gives you phone numbers to call if you have any questions or problems with the items you’ve bought. The manual even gives you instructions on where to return the items if any pieces are missing and where to order additional pieces. When you buy a car, there is an instructional manual in the glove department. This manual tells you how often to get the oil change, where all the secret compartments are located, and how the car works. When a woman becomes pregnant, there is a manual that tells her what to expect during her pregnancy, how long she will be pregnant, what will happen during each stage of pregnancy, what to expect during labor and during the healing process after the baby is born. When the baby is born there is another manual that tells her how to care for the child; what things to expect during the first six weeks, how the child’s schedule will differ from hers, what things to feed the baby, and how to raise the child.

Now I’ve said all this to say: when you get married, there is no instructional manual (per se) on how to be married and stay married. Everything else we encounter comes with an instructional manual except for our marriage. But God has given us an instructional manual; not only on how to be married, but also on everything pertaining to us as children of God. So if God has given us His Word (the bible) as our instructional manual, then why can’t we get it right? We have the proper tools: the bible is our paper manual; the Words tell us how many pieces (body parts) have come with the item that was bought (God purchased us with the price of His Son). There are instructions on how to build, construct, repair, and maintain. So why can’t we get it right?

Because we haven’t opened the manual. Or we haven’t read the manual. Or we aren’t reading the manual and talking to the Person who wrote the manual. We aren’t obeying God’s word. In fact, we have been disobeying God’s word for so long and on several topics other than marriage. We were so disobedient that God had to send His only Son to die for our sins! God did this to reconcile us back to Him. Now God didn’t have to do this, but He did. He is our Father. And what father has ever hated his child? Parents show mercy on their children and continue to love them even when they do wrong. Just as God continues to show mercy and grace upon us and continues to love us even when we do wrong. But the bible instructs us that our walk, our lives, our marriages are not about us! Everything that you do in life is about you glorifying God. Your life is not your own. You belong to God. If you begin to live your life as though you have given it to God, then you will be able to handle situations better. People won’t make you angry as fast. You will speak words that edify. You will stay away from gossiping. You will want to be in God’s presence more. You will be kind and compassionate. You will become more like God.

So when are we going to get it right? When are we going to start taking our Christian walk seriously? Well only you can make that decision. Only you can decide when you are going to stop playing with God and get it right. Only you can make the choice to be more Godly in every aspect of your life. Only you can get it right with your spouse. But let me suggest that you start today. Get it right; right now!

Lent

The season of lent begins on Ash Wednesday (which this year is February 17th)and ends the day before Easter (or Resurrection Sunday) April 3rd. Lent is a representation of the 40 day/night fast that Jesus endured. As we embark on this lent season; we are reminded that Jesus gave up food for 40 days/nights to give us an example that we too can endure fasting and be victorious over the enemy. (Matthew 4:1-11). During the season of lent; Christians give up something as a sacrifice for 40 days (if you count Sunday; it is actually 46 days). This sacrifice is usually some form of food: sugar, candy, sodas, bread, meat, etc. Usually it is something that may seem hard for you to give up. For the past 3 years, our family has given up our Friday ritual of eating fried fish at Cracker Barrel. But this year we've decided to give up something else: television. Not only do you give a sacrifice; you should also spend time praying and reading God's Word. This is very important-so you won't be tempted and also to continue growing in a deeper relationship with God.

How wonderful it would be if we got closer to God through reading His Word, praying, and fasting. Examine the closeness we could gain with our spouses by getting closer to God. Remember the enemy wants to destroy your union; don't let him. Build a strong hold; be victorious during lent and get stronger in the Lord.

If you haven't already started fasting; do it today. Make the sacrifice. Christ did for us.
God Bless.

Stubborn?

In the book of Exodus (starting with chapter 7); Pharaoh shows his stubbornness. He is unwilling to let God's people go after several miraculous signs were performed by Moses at the hand of God. God allows Moses' staff to become a snake, HE sends the plague of blood, frogs, gnats, flies, livestock, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and a plague on the firstborn. Pharaoh continued to keep God's people in captivity; agreeing at first and then changing his mind when the plague was released. (When you get a chance, read these chapters in Exodus, starting with chapter 7). It wasn't until something really drastic happened that Pharaoh agreed to let God's people go.

The same is sometimes true with us. We are severely stubborn until God does something really drastic in our lives. We are having an affair, but won't stop until we are caught (and some won't stop then-if we think we can be smarter next time) and have the risk of everything taking away from us. We are not committed to our spouse; but more committed to our jobs. It is not until we lose our jobs, that we realize we've neglected our spouse. We are not committed to God and His purpose for our marriage; but our commitment comes and goes as we go through trials and tribulations and HE continues to bring us out. It is not until something drastic happens that we are snapped back into full commitment. We are verbally abusive to our spouses; but it is not until they leave, that we understand the error of our ways.

Why are we so stubborn? We know right from wrong. Most of us have been raised to have at least been taught that. Those of us who are Christians, we have a greater sense of responsibility. We know more than right from wrong. We know God's way is the only right way (even when it doesn't make sense).

The word stubborn means unreasonably or perversely unyielding : mulish : justifiably unyielding : resolute. Think about those words for a minute. Unreasonably or perversely unyielding. You have no reason to justify your stubbornness; you just are. Think about Pharaoh. He didn't have a good reason for keeping God's people. He had seen the miracles performed and one miracle should have been enough for him to let the people go. (Of course God wanted the Egyptians to know that HE is almighty and that it was HIM and not Moses performing the miracles - so there was a method to the hardness of Pharaoh's heart). But with us, most of the time, we just want to do what we want to, when we want to, how we want to, and with whom we want to. Usually God hasn't hardened our hearts; we just haven't opened our hearts to God completely. We're wondering why we aren't being blessed like we should; because we are stubborn. We're wondering why we can't hear God's voice; because we are stubborn.

Pastor Ray taught a sermon in Bible study a few weeks ago from Psalm 37:1-7. We should take heed to listen to the commands of God (not requests or suggestions - but commands). Specifically around verses 3-5; God commands our trust, delight, and commitment. HE is not asking us, God is telling us. Verse 4 - tells us to delight ourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Well, most of us want the desires of our heart; but we don't want to delight ourselves in the Lord. And Pastor was explaining when we delight ourselves in the Lord, our desires WILL CHANGE. We won't want the same things we wanted before; we'll be in line with God's will for our lives. So why are we stubborn? I think that for many of us, we just want the freedom to do whatever without consequences. But the problem with that is that isn't freedom at all. That's the enemy's way and his way is bondage. Our freedom comes with doing it God's way. We have to dismiss all the things we've been taught about what makes us happy, successful, rich, loved, etc. We have to realize that happiness is temporary (it depends on what's happening); joy is what we really need and that comes from God. We have to realize that success is not how much money you make, or the car you drive, or the house you live in. Success comes from God and HIS standards. If we acknowledge it came from God and it's not ours then we won't be selfish with things or kill ourselves working to get things. We have to realize that riches are from God. They are not in our paycheck. Love comes from God. When we accept HIS love for us; we can then begin to really love others (especially our spouses).

You're not missing anything when you submit to God. Stop being stubborn. Surrender to God. Your life will be so much better. Let's not end up like Pharaoh. Stop being stubborn.

What can I do to make it better?

Romantic Rendezvous, by John Holyfield (jamesloveless.com)





Wife #1: "I had a really hard day at work. My students failed the test I thought they were better prepared for and my principal said I didn't turn in my paperwork on time!"

Husband #1: "What can I do to make your day better?"

Husband #2: "The car quit on me today and my check was short because I missed two days of work!"

Wife #2: "What can I do to make it better?"

Husband #3: "I'm tired of working outside. The temperatures were below freezing last week. I wish I could quit my job!"

Wife #3: "What can I do to help make your situation better?"

Wife #4: "I'm tired of staying at home with the kids. I never get to talk to any grown ups and the laundry seems to never get done!"

Husband #4: "What can I do to help?"

All of these scenarios have one thing in common: The response of the spouse. "What can I do to make it better?"

How many times has your spouse openly confessed their feelings and you shot them down with a negative response: such as "everybody has a hard day at work; suck it up"; or "why was your check short and why did you miss two days of work"; or "I'm tired of working, too; why don't we all quit and be homeless"; or "if you did all the laundry on Saturday, you would have this problem on Monday and don't you have any friends that you can talk to".

Most of the time, your spouse really doesn't want a solution, a smart comment, or a rebuttal. But they do want your sincere expression of love and care. When you ask, "What can I do to make it better?" many times the response will be something like this: "just rub my feet or hold me - I'll be alright"; "I'll get the car fixed, Tony knows this mechanic that will fix it free"; "just help me find my insulated gloves - you know I'm not going to quit my job"; "can you just help me fold this last load and talk to me about your day". Your spouse just wants to know that you got their back; that you will be there when times get hard; that you will love them unconditionally - even if they didn't have a job; that you will be there. Your spouse needs reassurance that you're in their corner.

So the next time, your spouse has what you think is a complaint just ask them if there is anything you can do to make it better. And then try to do it. If they say: rub my feet or kiss me or help me fold the clothes - do it. How much energy does it take to make our spouses day a little less stressful. With all they are dealing with in the world; let them come home to peace.

And watch out for their reaction. They won't be expecting you to say: "What can I do to make it better?" They may think it is a trick. But you will be surprised how your spouse will just melt when asked this question. Let your spouse know that you really care...

What can I do to make it better? that is the question!

Temptation

Samson and Delilah by Alan and Aaron Hicks jamesloveless.com

This week's Sunday School Lesson deals with the devil tempting Jesus after His forty day/night fast. Matthew 4:1-11. There are three things evident in this temptation. #1 - the lust of the flesh; #2 - the pride of life; & #3 - the lust of the eyes.

In our marriages, we have to make sure that we don't yield to these temptations. Remembering that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear and that He always offers an escape. 1 Corinthians 10:12-13. Temptation is basically wanting to do our own thing; instead of being in God's Will and doing it God's Way.

Think about that for a moment...you are tempted everyday in every walk of your life. When you get to work in the morning and someone makes you mad; instead of doing what is right (God's way), you want revenge or to hold a grudge. When that handsome/pretty office assistant smiles at you (and you're married); instead of doing what is right (God's way), you want to get a number, go to lunch, or maybe even more. When your spouse is not being loving/respectful; instead of doing what is right (God's way), you treat them unloving or disrespectful-knowing you are to be obedient to the Word of God (Ephesian 5:33). When your children are seeking your attention; instead of doing what is right (God's way), you continue to ignore them because you're busy or tired. When your pastor asks for your tithes; instead of doing what is right (God's way), you think the money is going to be used for the pastor's new house, so you don't give anything. (Malachi 3:10).

How many times during our lives do we continue to do things our way and not God's way? Why is it so hard to do it God's way? He gives us an escape (1 Corinthians 10:13). His Son has already been victorious (Matthew 4:1-11). His rewards are greater than the world's (Mark 10:29-30). God's way is the only way. Let's not yield to temptation. We can still have a wonderful life without corruption and a sinful nature(John 10:10). In fact, we will live fuller lives doing it God's way.

Remember to keep your mind stayed on God, and when temptation is facing you - pray and seek God as a way of escape.

God Bless.

Reminiscing

LOVE

I just want you to listen to the words of this song, by Kirk Franklin. Really listen and read the words below. And then think about God's love for us and the love you have for your spouse.

Listen now!
Love, by Kirk Franklin.
Paitent love, kind love, sweet love, kind love (repeat 4 times)

Verse 1
Love a word that comes and goes
But few people really know what it means to really love somebody
Love though the tears may fade away
I'm so glad your love will stay
'cause i love you and you show me
Jesus what it really means to love

Patient love, kind love, sweet love, kind love (repeat twice)

Repeat verse 1

Bridge
The nights that i cry you love me
When i should have died you love me
I'll never know why you love me
Its a mystery now that i can finally see Jesus

When all was gone you love me
You gave me a song that you love me
Now i can go on 'cause you love me
Its a mystery now that i can finally see Jesus

Repeat Bridge

What it really means
What it really means
What it really means
To love .............................................................

Patient patient kind
That's love
To love...........................
Patient patient kind
That's love

My BFF

Remember when you were younger and you had a best friend. Some of us still have that same best friend or someone else who is our best friend. You know the best friend that you talked on the phone with all the time. The best friend you went shopping with. The best friend you played sports with. The best friend that cried with you during a good movie. The best friend that you just wanted to be around all the time.

My BFF (Best Friend Forever) is my husband. He is the person I want to talk on the phone with all the time. He is the person I want to go shopping with. He is the person I play games with (chess, connect four, Life, Uno, etc). He is the person I cried with several times during a good movie. He is the person I want to be around all the time. I never get tired of spending time with him. I never get tired of being around him.

It's funny when I think about how we have several days carved out just for us.
Sunday is church and usually nap day
Monday is relaxation day with a movie
Tuesday is church night and not much else
Wednesday is fun day with dinner and a movies (lately it's been marriage bible study night - which is also very fun)
Thursday is down time
Friday is Cracker Barrell night for cod fish and family night
Saturday is usually date night

Do I look forward to all of these days and nights? YES! I am anxious each week for the upcoming events. I can't wait for date night which isn't always on Saturdays; sometimes we'll do an impromptu date in the middle of the afternoon or the middle of the week. I enjoy every moment that we spend together. I don't want to waste any of that time harboring ill feelings toward El. So if we have a conflict, we try to resolve it quickly and in a Godly manner.

So why am I telling you all of this? Because in a world where many women have best friends and men hang out with their best buddies-we forget about our spouses. We spend all of our time trying to get married and then we disregard our spouses. Instead we spend more time with other people; doing things with them and not including our spouse.

Genesis 2:24 says: Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.

Become one with your spouse. Take the time to really get to know them. Spend as much time as possible with them. Make your marriage intentional. And why not make your spouse your BFF.

Are you in the wilderness?

The book of Deuteronomy deals with the people of Israel around the time Moses led the people out of bondage and into freedom under God's guidance. This book also talks about much of the people's disobedience to the Lord and how they repeatedly disobeyed God, grumbled and complained, questioned God, and even wished that they were dead or back in slavery in Egypt. Eventually Moses joined the people and sinned against God as misery can be contagious. The people were right on the outskirts of their promised land, when Joshua and Caleb agreed that the land could be taken over and that God was with them. Once the Israelites were finally in their promised land, God told them not to conform to the people of the land. He told them that after they take over the land, that they were to still hold on to God's statutes. But the people again disobeyed God. So even though they were literally out of the wilderness, they were figuratively still in captivity; and eventually they were taken captive by the Babylonians because of their disobedience.

Are you in the wilderness in your marriage? Are you wandering aimlessly not really knowing how to get to the promised land? Are you reacting to your spouse's emotions, instead of being proactive? Are you being loving and respectful? Are you filling your spouse's love tank on a regular basis? Are you praying for your spouse and with your spouse daily? Are you reading the Word of God and responding to God's Word daily? Are you in the wilderness?

Sometimes we know exactly what to do in our marriage to keep our spouses content, but we fail to do it. Sometimes we know exactly what buttons to push to make our spouses upset, and we do it often. We need to see our spouses as God does. Think about it. How many times do you make mistakes and want God to forgive you? Probably every moment of the day. God loves us with an unconditional love. No matter what we do or have, God loves us. His grace and mercy is new everyday (Lamentations 3). So why can't we love our spouse like God loves us? By human nature, that may be impossible; but spiritually and with God's help, it is quite possible.

As El and I embark on new missions to save marriages, we are encountering couples that seem to be in the wilderness. They are just going through the motions of being married but they are really wandering. On the outside everything seems okay. They smile, nod at the right time, hold hands when they think someone's looking, they finish one another's sentences, they appear to be the perfect married couple. But they're in the wilderness. God can't save them because they don't want to be saved. They want to stay right where they are. They want the stage to continue to be their backdrop. They need the lights and the camera to perform their next scene. We used to be one of those couples. We put on the makeup before we left the house and in between scenes we did a touch up or changed clothes for the next part. What's good is that God brought us out of the wilderness, but not until we wanted to come out. We were just like the Israelites, we complained, grumbled, and questioned God. Why is this happening to me? Why me, Lord? But most of the turmoil we had brought upon ourselves by being disobedient to God. Not doing what His word says to do. Trying to do things our own way. Until we poured out our heart to God and repented for sinfulness (selfishness, unforgiving hearts, disobedience), we couldn't be content. We were wandering aimlessly with face paint. God restored our marriage and stripped us naked (thanks Zenobia for that word) to each other so we weren't ashamed to be exposed. God allowed us to really see Him and each other. He allowed us to see the gift He had given us (each other). And we allowed God to really step in our marriage and be the head, the guide, the center, the everything.

I don't know about you, but if you are anything like the Israelites, I'm sure you don't like being in the wilderness. Even though they grumbled and complained, it was their fault that they were in the wilderness because of their disobedience. Don't be like the Israelites, disobedient. Live your life according to Christ's. Get out of the wilderness. Allow God to move your marriage to the promised land, a land flowing with milk and honey. Trust God today and get out the wilderness.

Are you using your marriage tools?

Ephesians 5:33 says: However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

My husband and I went to a Love & Respect Marriage Conference this weekend at Bellevue Baptist Church. Our marriage ministry is currently studying this book. It was interesting to reflect on the conference afterwards because I was wondering would I learn anything different or get any new information. El and I were talking about how most (and I use that word loosely) married couples have been given information or tools to use in our marriages; but we don't. And it's not that we don't know how, we make a conscious decision not to use these tools. Well to say the least, I did learn something new. Emerson helped us understand what Ephesians 5:33 is really saying to us. He helped us focus our energy on God when we try to be loving or respectful. To focus on God and not our spouse.

Okay, let me back up to the meaning of this scripture. Simply put, husbands are to love their wives (even when they are unlovable) and wives are to respect their husbands (even when they don't deserve it; haven't earned it, or are disrespectful & unloving toward us). This sounds hard. And I agree, it is hard. If you are in like or in love with your spouse right now, this doesn't sound like much. But if you have ever been mad at them, this is very hard. It is hard to love a woman who continually criticizes you, puts you down, tells you you are worthless, less than a man. It is hard to respect a man who doesn't show you love, cuddles with you, only wants sex, or doesn't want to be around you. This is hard. But Emerson encouraged us to picture God standing over the shoulder of our spouse; so that when we feel like being unloving or disrespectful we will quickly remember that it is God who told us to be loving and respectful and we are not hurting our spouses so much as we are hurting and disobeying God. This command came from God, not our spouses. When we fail to do what the bible says (or what God says), we are being disobedient. And you can't say, "I didn't know". We must obey God. We can't say, "Well Lord, they are making me act this way." No man has control over you. Or you can't say, "God knows my heart." Yeah He does and He is not pleased, because what's in your heart will come out in your actions; and God should be in your heart.

So, as we pondered the many couples who would probably walk away from the conference and say, "That was a good conference," but then return to their old ways & thinkings; we began to pray and thank God. Not too long ago, we were one of those couples. We had the tools, but we weren't using them. We knew what the bible said, but we didn't care. We were continually spinning on the "Crazy Cycle" and would get on that wheel several times a week. Through prayer and ministry we began to become aware of things that would get us on the "Crazy Cycle"and we used our marriage tools to get us off. As we began to use more tools: praying together everyday, being kind to one another, communicating effectively, being compassionate & loving, seeking & giving forgiveness freely; we began to see a change in our marriage. We started having a healthy, happy, & loving marriage. We started to see a change in our family. We are using our marriage tools.

When you don't use the tools, it's like going to church every week and then placing the bible on the table when you get home until the next week. You never talk about God during the week. You don't pray. You don't give Him praise. You just wait until service the next week and then you continue the same routine over and over. Nothing in your life changes. You don't put your faith into practice. You don't put your patience into practice. You don't have trials & if you do, you don't handle them well because you don't know God. You don't witness to anyone. You don't do any ministry. You life is stagnant. Well when you are married, you have to polish the marriage. You cannot remain stagnant. You have certain tools that should be used to help your marriage grow and flourish. God should be at the center of all this. Then you should begin to use other tools. And if you don't have any tools or don't have enough, visit our website; there you will find conferences to attend that will give you the tools needed for a thriving marriage. Or you can email me at godsunion@comcast.net . Whatever you do, don't sit back and do nothing. God did not intend for our marriages to be stagnant and stale. He wants us to live in harmony, peace, and love. He wants us to be happy in our marriages. God is so awesome that He knew everything we would go through in life, so He gave us an instructional manual to help us along the way. And all we have to do now is USE it.
Are you using your marriage tools? If not, start today!

When everything seems fine?

Psalm 100: 1Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands.
2Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
3Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
4Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
5For the LORD is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.

When everything seems to be going fine, beware! Be cautious not to let your guard down. Praise God and continue to pray. Continue to walk in His Word. It is when everything is going fine, that we begin to think we don't need God. We begin to think that we are okay without going to church. We think it's okay not pray. That we don't have to be watchful. That we don't need to spread the good news. However, it is when everything is going fine, that we should be praising His Name. For God is almighty and wonderful!

There have been some trying times in my marriage. Some times when I didn't think God was around. But lately, everything has been going fine. I can't remember the last time El & I had a serious argument. Or the last time we were really upset with each other. We have been using the tools that God has given us and the tools we've learned in conferences to have a healthy, happy marriage. I enjoy waking up beside him, still watching him sleep as he rolls over. I enjoy talking to him throughout the day, letting him know that I am thinking about him by texting him little messages. I can't wait for him to get home from work, so we can sit on the couch and sometimes watch TV or do nothing but talk. I love our date nights, when our son is at work and we can alone time without any interruptions. I like hearing the made up songs he sings even though they don't always make sense. I admire the way he handles his customers when I hear bits and pieces of his conversation while he's at work. I'm in love with him. Everything is going fine.

With that said, I know the enemy is somewhere lurking around waiting for me to let my guard down; but I have bad news for the enemy. The enemy won't catch me off guard, because I know and understand who I belong to. I know who holds all power in HIS hands. I know that God is real. And I continue to worship Him, praise Him, depend on Him, thank Him, love Him, give Him reverence, give Him benevolence, talk about Him... God is my all. God is why everything else in my life is possible. God is my very reason for existence. God is the very reason for my husband's existence. Do I take any of that for granted? NO! I know life can end in the blink of an eye. I know that tomorrow is not promised to any man.

When everything seems fine, don't let the enemy catch you slipping. Don't forget about God just because you don't have any prayer requests or all your bills are paid. When everything is fine, give God more praise and worship. Pray fervently. Be grateful. Spread the good news to others about your very fine life. When everything seems fine, thank God!

Thank you Lord for your precious blessings. Thank you for keeping us mindful of you always. Thank you for your love, grace, and mercy. Thank you for loving us inspight of ourselves. Thank you for being God. Help us to be all that you have called us to be. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Are you watching closely?

But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry. (2 Timothy 4:5).

The world is full of thrills and fun. People are carelessly spending more time doing things for their own personal enjoyment than ever before. People are moving away from what the Word tells us to their own devices for personal gain and support. No longer are we living in a society where we stand firm on what God says. People would rather find something that supports what they are saying. So as married couples, we have to be watchful. Marriages are under attack now more than ever. The enemy is preying on pastors, especially. So you may be asking, what can I do?

First, you can understand that others are watching. As a married couple, your living example should be proof to others what God's love is like for His people. People should see your marriage and see a representation of God's love for the church. And people are watching, whether you want them to or not. So instead of giving them the Jerry Springer show that they expect; give them another show: one that God would want you to give them (living testimony). Understand that others are watching.

Second, your marriage is a ministry. When others see you happy and blissful, you are showing them that it is possible to be happy in a marriage. However, if you show that you are unhappy, that is ministering to them also. But if we follow the Word in our marriages and allow it to be our instructional manual; we will be able to show a positive ministry to others. Your marriage is a ministry.

Third, you can abide in God's Word. Let the Word of God saturate your very being and allow the Holy Spirit to rule over your life. God should be on your mind every moment of the day. He should be your all. Abide in God's Word.

...Are you watching closely?
There's another part of this question I want you to consider. Are you watching your spouse closely? Are you paying attention to their wants, needs, desires, etc.? Watching your spouse with a close eye will give you insight into their likes & dislikes; their preferences, their special requests. We should be trying to please our spouse and one way to do that is to know them. You can get to know them by watching them. Of course communication is also another way to get to know them, but watch them also. Watch their body language when you talk to them. Watch their habits: the way they eat, sleep, talk, walk, what music they listen to, how they respond to others, watch. Not like in a stalker kind of way, but in a way that you notice them. There are certain things you should know about your spouse: like how they order food when they go to certain restaurants; or what shoes hurt their feet; or how they like their food prepared; or what their favorite outfit is; or who's their favorite sport's team; or where they like to sit in the movies; or what is their favorite movie; or what their favorite past time is; or what gas station they like to go to; or how they like their clothes ironed; or...
The point is be watchful.

I know that El likes extra mayo on his sandwiches. That he eats his french fries first before his hamburger because he doesn't like them cold. That he starts out sleeping on his right side, but will end up on the left before morning. That he likes his shirts ironed so the crease will show in the sleeve and the collar will lay flat. That he loves his son and will do just about anything for him. That he takes his job seriously and can tell you anything about stereos. That he shakes his leg and pats my back when he is on the phone. That he likes to make up songs. That he likes Transformers and basketball (& he likes when I show interest in both of them). I've been watching him. I am still watching him. And I like watching him. Why not? Who else am I going to watch?

Are you watching closely? Keep watching.

Do you like your spouse?

The past three weeks have been extremely busy. El & I were teaching vacation Bible school for two weeks and then we traveled to Detroit for the National Baptist Congress. I did a lot of thinking during the 10-11 hour drive to & from Detroit. I thought about how much I've learned since we started doing marriage ministry. But it is amazing how we learn things and how quickly we forget them.

I say all this to say that sometimes when you are cooped up in a car with someone for hours and there is nothing else to distract you, this can be a determining factor to finding out just how much you like (not love) your spouse. Most of us love our spouses, but do we like them? El & I had a few disagreements (to say the least) but we remembered to use the tools we learned. We realized that we were on the crazy cycle (of unlove & disrespect). We were challenged to resolve conflict quickly and in an unhurtful manner. We evaluated each other's love tank (to determine if either needed a fill-up). We also examined "the root" of the problem (one: I didn't want to be in Detroit; & two: El was tired from the drive, work, & other activities).

When we arrived back home, we evaluated the trip and discussed if we each had a good time. It was nice to get away and I really didn't care where we were as long as I was with him. The hotel was nice and we enjoyed the made to order omelets every morning and the cocktail hour each night. (Those two things were the highlights of the day; probably because they were free). We played Gin Rummy almost every night & ordered pizza three of the five nights we were there. We managed to break away from my mother and our son when we went to late night service & afterwards drove around Detroit & talked. We went to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night one night and joked with cashier. El learned the workers' names in the hotel and by Tuesday evening was speaking to them as if they were his old friends from high school. I caught up on some pleasure reading (staying up to 3am because I couldn't put the book down - and sorry it wasn't a marriage book). We played with the navigation unit in the car laughing about how we missed a turn twice in the same day & if the unit could talk; it would probably call us idiots for missing that turn twice. We all got a history lesson (compliments of El) about the buildings in Detroit. We were entertained with a wedding party on Friday afternoon. We even got a workout in the gym (one night with treadmill & bike; another night - El was in the pool & I was on the treadmill). I got a chance to watch him through the window and I waved whenever he popped his head out of the water. We talked about how Michael Jackson ruined our chance to go to the Motown Museum because there were too many people there & we didn't want to be in the crowd. (And by no means, do we take his death lightly.) We laughed about how we couldn't fit all the luggage in the van on the way back because we had an extra passenger. El put his suitcase on top and we prayed it didn't rain. (It would have been National Lampoon's Family Vacation all over again - LOL). I think it is safe to assume, we had a good time.

I don't just love El; I like him.

It is important to use the tools of marriage (starting with God & the Bible; then get around other Godly married couples; visit biblical based marriage conferences). Then don't just love your spouse; like them. Enjoy being with them. Talk with them. Hold hands. Kiss. Tickle each other. Laugh together. Dance together. Joke with each other. Life is too short and time passes fast. Make the most of your time with your spouse. Be your spouse's best friend. Try liking them, not just loving them.

Why don't we quit playing?

Why are we playing house?

Let me explain. We are married, we live in the same house; but we are playing games with each other. You know it is really time to stop playing house. We are not little kids anymore playing with dolls, playing doctor and patient, or playing house. We are grown people and we need to grow up. We need to realize that our spouses are a gift from God. We are wasting precious time when we don't treat our spouses with love and respect. Again God commands us to love our spouses and He commands us to respect our spouses. (Ep. 5:33) Why are we not doing what God has COMMANDED us to do. When we don't do this; we are disobedient, plan and simple. There are no excuses. We're disobeying God's command. God wants our marriages to be successful and fulfilled. The devil on the other hand wants to destroy your marriage. The devil wants you to be unhappy, unfulfilled, and unGodly. Don't give in to the devil's trickery. Don't allow the devil to steal your joy. Don't let the devil destroy your marriage.

Put God in the center of your marriage. I know you have heard this before, but we need a revival. We need rejuvenating in our marriages. Too many of us are just going through the motions; we are not really living in God's Will. We are not doing what God has called us to do. God is not going to accept mediocrity; He wants your whole heart. He wants all of you: body, mind, and soul.

Quit playing games. Quit playing house. Quit playing.
Get real with your spouse and get real with your self. Do what God has called you to do, be real in your marriage.

Are you tired of playing, yet? If not, you ought to be. Eventually your game is going to lead to disaster and destruction. God is tired of playing with you. He wants His people to be leaders and set apart. Our marriages shouldn't resemble those in the world. Our marriages should resemble the love that Christ has for the church (an unconditional love).

Are you tired of playing? If not, you should be. Game over.

The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman explains your love language and what things make you feel loved. Below is my love language. If you want to know your language or your spouse's love language, click on take the quiz. Both of you will need to take the assessment to find out your love language. Then begin speaking each other love language. Love with action.

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	10
Acts of Service:	8
Receiving Gifts:	6
Words of Affirmation:	3
Physical Touch:	3

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

The Devil's Trickery

The devil is always on the prowl. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10). The devil is very tricky. He knows each of our weaknesses and he plays on them. How can you protect your home? By continuing in prayer. And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray, and not to faint. (Luke 18:1). Not only should we pray, but also be vigilant. Keep an eye out for the devil. Be aware.

Don't allow simple disagreements to blow up into a huge argument. Take the high road, and calmly talk things out with an open heart and listening ear.
Don't allow too much time to come between you and your spouse; in other words have quality time as much as possible.
Don't let a day go by where you haven't spoken to each other. Everyday spend some time talking and listening to your spouse.
Don't go to bed angry, allowing things to fester. Resolve conflicts quickly.
Don't forget the little things. Be romantic. Love each other. Say nice things to each other daily.
Don't be afraid to be intimate. This doesn't always mean having intercourse, but sometimes it means cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc.
Don't be afraid to be sexually intimate. Sexual intercourse releases stress and brings you closer to your spouse. (women don't be afraid to initiate sex).
Don't forget to say, "I love you". So many times we think our spouses know it, but it is nice to hear it.
Don't forget to show love as well. Saying it is lovely, but showing it is divine.
Don't be fooled by the devil's trickery. He will throw you a curve ball at you when you least expect it. And if you are not looking, you will fall right into his trap; and if you are not careful, you'll get stuck and won't be able to get out.

When the devil is on the prowl, just know that a blessing is somewhere around the corner. So don't miss your blessing. Shake the devil off and stump on his head.

Prayer:
Father God, help us to be mindful of You always. Keep our minds and hearts stayed on You, that You will keep us from falling. Make us the type of Godly spouses You would have us to be. Give us the tools to be all that You have called us to be. Keep all danger, seen and unseen, far away. Help us to love our spouses as You love them. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Complacency

Complacency. We all know the word too well. It is when we become satisfied with the way things are. When we let our guards down and say all is well and I don't have to anything else but what I'm doing right now.


Don't let complacency ruin your marriage. When you become complacent, you allow the devil to come in and destroy your marriage. We should continue to look for interesting ways to improve our marriage, rejuvenate the love, and revitalize those feelings of romance. Your spouse will be amazed at your efforts to keep your relationship fulfilled.


I am reminded of the five love languages when I think about complacency. My love language is quality time and when I don't get that from my spouse; I tend to get moody, irritable, and sometimes angry. In the frustrations of my feelings, in which I am well aware, I begin to feel withdrawn from my husband. It is at these times, that we have become complacent in our relationship and it is at these times that we open the door for the devil to come in. So what do I do when that happens? I simply (and gently) remind my husband that my love tank is low. He usually knows it before I tell him and will say, "I know I have been slacking. I will make it up to you." And he does. I also know when his love tank is low. His love language is physical touch. There are times when my schedule is so hectic that I am pulled in several directions and I have forgotten to fill his love tank. It is then that I must fill his tank. Recognizing your spouse's low levels and being able to fill them is important in your marriage.

So don't let complacency ruin your marriage. Continue to be alive in your marriage. Keep your spouse's love tank full. Continue to be romantic in your relationship. Love your spouse unconditionally even when they seem unlovable. And wives respect your husbands even when they seem undeserving of your respect.


Do little unexpected things for your spouse to show you care and to keep your relationship exciting.

Write them a love note, cook a special dinner, take them out, clean up the house, wash the clothes, write love notes on the mirror with a dry erase marker, love them.
Get up and do it now! Don't be complacent.