The Quick Fix Marriage!

Marriages are going to have conflict. Why wouldn't they? You have two people, a man and woman, who are completely different by nature and by upbringing. You weren't raised the same way your spouse was. You each have different experiences from your childhood. You each have different beliefs and views about child rearing, life, careers, money, interests, etc. So why wouldn't you have conflict? The key is not to be conflict free in marriage. The key is to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner and to be good at resolving conflict so you aren't holding grudges. Learning how to resolve conflict effectively takes time and practice.

However, what I've discovered is that most couples want a quick fix! Looking at El and I one would think we arrived at this "happy" place overnight. That is far from the case. Our first couple of years were a little rocky. We have always been best friends; however, we didn't know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. We argued, fussed, fought, and held grudges. We would make up and then continue the cycle of conflict again. Don't get me wrong, El and I had a really good marriage, we just didn't know how to handle conflict and no matter how mad we were we never mentioned divorce. But my point is we had to learn how to communicate better and we had to learn how to handle conflicts. 

Today, we have very few conflicts. And when we do, we resolve them quickly by discussing our feelings. There was no quick fix to how we arrived at this point. We've been married almost 19 years and we are still learning how to be married the way God intended us to be. So let me share a few tips for a quick fix marriage lasting marriage!

1. Christ! I know you've heard this before, but you can do absolutely NOTHING WITHOUT GOD! You cannot do your marriage without Christ in the center. And this is not lip service. You (as an individual) have to have a solid relationship with Christ. He (Christ) has to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind at night and all throughout the day. You have to KNOW Christ! 

2. Time. You have to SPEND TIME with your SPOUSE. You can't live a separate life and just have a fly by night marriage. You should be spending at least 2 hours a day with your spouse according to Dr. Willard Harley and I agree. Not only should you be spending at least 2 hours a day with your spouse, those 2 hours should be enjoyable hours with your spouse (or why would you want to do it). For example, doing things you both like to do together. El and I spend just about every free minute with each other. We wake up in the morning and read our devotions (separately). Then we talk while getting dressed. We IM each other via Yahoo Messenger throughout the day. We hug and kiss in the evening. We talk some more about our day, such as 'what was funny, interesting, exciting, etc'. We share important information with each other (schedules, bills, etc.). We talk about our plans for our days off, date nights, weekend, etc. We may watch a movie or TV program together. We analyze and talk about the shows we watch. Then we have pillow talk at night and hold each other. We spend time together. Enjoyable time! I'm anxious and excited to be around El and he feels the same way. 

3. Friendship. Become your spouse's BFF! Let them be the first person you want to tell good news to. Enjoy their company as you would a same sex friend. Laugh with them. Joke with them. Your marriage doesn't have to always be so serious. Laughter is good for the soul. Be best friends. El is my best friend!

4. Transparency. Be OPEN and HONEST about your feelings. Most conflict in marriage is because someone has withheld their true feelings and then when they are tired, they explode. Stop sweeping stuff under the carpet. Tell your spouse how you feel (of course with love). Let them know if they've hurt your feelings. And discuss calmly how you can overcome these issues. Work on resolving conflict effectively. If you need help, pick up a book. There are several books on how to resolve conflict in marriage. I recommend He Wins, She Wins, by Willard Harley and the accompanying workbook. Also, on Dr. Harley's website, Marriage Builders, there is a wealth of free information (including articles and questionnaires) to help you have a better marriage. El and I have a better marriage because we have not only been teaching marriage information but we are practicing it! 

5. Touch. Touch and love on each other often. Hug and squeeze each other tightly and hold the hug for at least 60 seconds. When you kiss, hold your kisses and make kissing noises. Slide your tongue in each other's mouth. Gently suck each other's tongue and upper/bottom lip. It's okay, you're married! Kiss your spouse's neck. You'll be surprised at how sensual kissing is. Kiss other body parts as well (i.e. hands, feet, legs, thighs, chest...you get the picture). El and I play a little game where he kisses my neck and then I turn my head so he can kiss the other side and I turn my head again and I keep this up until I'm satisfied with the kisses. Hold hands. Grab your spouse's hand and hold it tight. Hold hands whenever you're together (in the mall, while shopping, at church, on a date, in the movies, at dinner, in the house, whenever). Touch your spouse often. Touch their arm, leg, shoulder, wherever. You'll be surprised how much touch is needed and welcomed even if it's not your spouse's love language. This is not my love language but I enjoy and yearn for El's touches. 

There is no quick fix marriage. Marriages are going to experience conflict. What you want is a marriage where you and your spouse are able to resolve conflict quickly and get on with the life God has intended for you. 

How do you and your spouse resolve conflict? Are you expecting a quick fix or are you willing to work on having a godly marriage? Share your thoughts. 

Working on a lasting marriage,
El and Zina