The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 1: from blissfulness to dissfulness

On November 9, 1996, El and I were married and life couldn't seem to get any better. However, the next year seemed disastrous. We argued a lot, to say the least. We argued about everything, mostly about our son CJ. CJ, remembering one of our arguments, asked us why we were arguing about who was going to take him to school. He knew the argument wasn't really about who was taking him to school; it was greater than that. He was right. I don't remember now what that argument was about but I'm sure it was something stupid. The point is most of us don't really have any idea how to be married when we first get married. I had a few ideas of my own. I knew that I wanted to cook for my husband. I knew that I wanted to be a good homemaker. I knew that I wanted to spend time (a lot of time) with my husband. I yearned for that close relationship with a man, which is why I wanted to marry El in the first place because we were best friends before we married. I enjoyed the closeness we shared. I liked the idea of having my best friend wake up with me every morning and go to bed with me each night. 

The only thing is I don't know if El shared the same idea of marriage as I did. He had just turned 21 and for him life was just beginning. He still hung out with his friends or they hung out at our house (more than they should have for us being newlyweds). The fact that I cooked didn't make it any better because he invited them to come eat with us often. Neither one of us knew how to express our feelings in an effective way that we could both clearly understand. I didn't know how to tell him I wanted time alone with him and he didn't know how to express his needs effectively. Instead, we just yelled at each other, got upset, and then there were times that I wanted to be violent (this is the behavior I'd seen from my father) because I thought that was how to get my point across. Other times we would hold grudges and not speak for days. We didn't know how to handle conflict. We went from wedded bliss to wedded diss. We started taking our marriage for granted; not really knowing how to have more good days than bad. 

We had a little foundation; we were going to church every Sunday and even taking notes. However, we never read the bible during the week (2 Tim. 2:15). We never did any devotions. We never listened to sermons outside of church. We hardly ever prayed together. I remember when I started teaching Sunday School, I was thinking this will make me study the Word more. However, that was not the case. I did not start studying more. In fact, I just studied Saturday night. Soon after I started teaching, El was asked to teach Sunday School. Great, right! That's what I thought. I thought we would start studying the word together. But that did not happen either. I was in school and he was working and life just got in the way. So we would study on Saturday nights. By this time we had been married about 4 years. We were discussing renewing our wedding vows for our 5 year anniversary; but that did not happen because the pastor was out of town. So we renewed our vows the following year (6 year anniversary). Well let's just say this is when all hell broke loose. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but the enemy crept into our marriage and ripped it all to pieces (John 10:10). The following year (2003), right before our 7 year anniversary I found out about El's infidelity. 

We were just doing life. Going to work. Going to school. Going through life without really making our marriage intentional. There were moments of cards, flowers, balloons, poems, etc. but those things didn't make up for the absence of quality time, physical touch, or safeguards. A lifeless marriage is right around the corner if you're not careful. You can wake up from the honeymoon and walk right into divorce. 

Today, El and I have a thirst for the word. We study the bible. We have morning devotions. We pray together often. We spend a lot of time together. We make our marriage intentional and we make each other a priority.  

What are you doing to keep from having a lifeless marriage? Share one specific thing you and your spouse do to keep the spark.

Stay tuned for part 2: isolation and separation.