Tuesday Tip #3: Is your spouse your BFF?

Who is your BFF? Is it your spouse or your high school friend? Did you and your spouse cultivate a friendship while or before you started dating? And if so, what did that relationship look like? And if not, why? 

Let's look at some of the definitions of friend from Google: 
1. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Now let's examine the first part of this definition...whom one knows and has a bond of mutual affection. How well do you know your spouse and is there a close mutual bond of affection? Do you touch your spouse often throughout the day? El and I touch all the time (and it is usually non-sexual touch; meaning it is not leading to anything sexually). We just want to be close and touch each other. Now what's interesting is I wasn't always a touchy-feely person; but I have become that person over the years. I like to rub my hands over El's biceps or his thighs. I like having him hold me at night and I like to feel his hands on my back. Touch your spouse often and cuddle with him/her. Make your spouse feel as if they are important by touching them. Your spouse needs to be touched by you. Now the second part of this definition states that this bond may be exclusive of sexual or family relations. When you're first getting to know your spouse (before marriage), yes this developing friendship should be without sexual relations; however, after marriage this is the bonus! To have cultivated a friendship and then be able to take that friendship to the next level by knowing your spouse sexually is a wonderful thang. "And Adam knew Eve, his wife..." (Genesis 4:1). The times that I feel closest to El are the times when we just connect through conversation - when he is really in tune with what I'm saying and I'm interested in what he is saying and we're just vibing. Those are the times I want to know him. He's my best friend! 

2. a person who acts as a supporter of a cause, organization, or country by giving financial or other help. Do you support your spouse? Are you supporting them financially or in some other way? I may not agree with all of El's choices, but I support him. I am his cheerleader! If he has something he wants to do, I listen and support him even if I don't agree. I may offer other suggestions, but ultimately he is the head of our household and has the last say. I pray for him (that God will give him wisdom and help him make wise choices) and then I trust that God will lead him in the right direction. El does his best to provide financial support for our family. He cares about our family's welfare. He also cares about my happiness - he worked 3 jobs when we first married, so I could finish school without working. How are you supporting your spouse? Do they feel your support? Ask him/her how you can be a better supporter. 

3. a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are on your team (...and they become one flesh. Gen 2:24). The enemy is Satan - he wants to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10a). Together, you and your spouse can defeat the enemy with God's power. Allow God's presence to permeate your marriage and draw closer to your spouse by becoming his/her friend. 

4. a familiar or helpful thing. How well do you know your spouse? Do you know their likes and dislikes? Do you know their favorite color, favorite food, shoe size, dress/pant size, etc? Are they so familiar that you take them for granted? Or are you still trying to get to know things about them? Are you still studying them? Are you still learning them? Are you still dating? One of things El and I do is make sure we have a weekly date night. A time for just us two; no kids, no phones, no one else. We usually go out to eat, but most importantly, we talk. We get to know each other a little more with each date and after 18 years of marriage, we are still learning each other. We usually talk about our dreams or aspirations and where we'll be in five years or how we can improve our relationship. We take time to ask "how's the love tank" or "is anything we can do to make our relationship better". Never stop learning your spouse. Never stop trying to please your spouse. Never take the familiar for granted. 

5. a contact associated with a social networking website. So this definition (which I'm sure has been added within the last few years), is interesting: a contact associated with a social networking website. Some of us treat our spouse as a Facebook or Twitter friend - we ignore him/her while we scroll the pages of FB and post pictures/comments to a world of people who could care less about us. We spend more time exploring social network sites than we do exploring our spouse. Or we communicate in short "ttyl" phrases; not really making time for clear effective communication. Not really trying to find out more about our spouse. Not really being interested in your spouse or what interests them. Who is your spouse? Are they your BFF or just a FB contact? Do you spend time making your marriage intentional or do you just expect that because you said "I do" that your marriage "will"? If you just periodically checked or updated your status on FB, you'll find that things can get out of control quickly with friend requests, comments, and notifications. Just as if you were to periodically check or update your marital status, eventually it will become neglected and when you try to get things back on track, it will seem overwhelming. The garden of your marriage has to be pruned. You have to constantly make sure the unwanted parts are removed from your garden such as bad attitudes, negative thoughts, unloving feelings and replace them with good attitudes, positive thoughts, and love. 

Think about how you treated your best friend in high school. You probably talked on the phone everyday, hung out after school, helped each other with relationship problems, etc. What kind of friend are you to your spouse? Is your spouse your BFF (Best Friend Forever)? If not, make him/her your BFF today! And if they are your BFF, enhance that relationship by continually learning new ways to please them. 

Spend time with your spouse this week learning new things about them. Ask them about their favorite color, the scar on their knee or head, favorite foods or restaurants, their dreams or aspirations, and keep asking questions. Become an investigator by learning about your spouse this week, but don't stop learning after this week - keep learning! 

Share your experiences and insights! 

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Tuesday Tip #2: Can we talk? I don't know...are you listening?

Many couples struggle with communication in their relationship. Either one person talks too much and the other doesn't talk at all or both people try to talk at the same time and no one is listening. Effective communication doesn't just happen. We have to take the time to listen attentively and communicate so that our mate understands exactly what we are saying. So how do you communicate effectively?

El and I have learned several different ways to communicate effectively over the years. Gary Chapman talks about many different methods of effective communication. Here are a few from him and some of our own...
1. Tell three things you did today and how that made you feel. When you and your spouse sit down to talk (every day), discuss three things you did. These can be anything from getting up for work to going shopping. And then discuss how those things made you feel. Did you feel good, depressed, discouraged, sad, disrespected, encouraged, etc? Each of you will share three things and how those things made you feel. The point is to get you both talking and listening and hopefully you will begin to have more conversations without prompting.
2. Scaling questions (This is also a counseling technique). Asking your spouse how strongly they feel about something on a scale of 1-10. For example: My husband may ask me if I want to go to J. Alexander's for dinner. I do not appear to be real excited about going but because he can't gauge how I feel, he may ask me on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being I really want to go and 1 being I don't have to go. So if I say 9, then chances are we will probably go because the 9 suggests that I really want to go. You can use scaling for just about any question.
3. Transparency. Being open and honest with your spouse. El and I are able to talk about any and everything. We're able to talk about past relationships as well as our feelings. We don't hide our feelings because the other may get hurt; instead we just discuss our feelings in a kind manner. It's important to be transparent with your spouse. True intimacy is developed as you continue to be vulnerable with your mate and allow the walls to come down. (Make sure you don't take advantage of your spouse when they are being vulnerable and that you don't abuse their trust).
4. Informing your spouse. El and I keep each other "in the loop". We talk all throughout the day via text or IM and sometimes by phone. We let each other know of our whereabouts and any upcoming plans. Your spouse should know what is going on with you. It doesn't look good for someone else to know what's going on with you before your spouse does. Keep your spouse informed. It may be a good idea to discuss your schedules every morning or at night (for the upcoming day) so that you both know about appointments, meetings, practices, kid pickups, etc.
5. Just talk and just listen. Sometimes it just takes you talking to your spouse and your spouse listening. Even if you don't want to hear what your spouse has to say, just listen. You may be surprised at what you hear. It's possible that you'll learn something new about your spouse. You want to be the person they can come to about anything (just like your children - if you listen, really listen, they'll talk to you more). And if you don't talk much, start talking more. Share your feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc. with your spouse. Let them inside of your heart.

Okay, now we've given you five tips that you can use this week. Choose one or all of them to practice this week. Don't forget to share how well prayer worked for you and keep praying together. Practice makes perfect.

Now go talk to spouse.

Tuesday Tip #1 - Plug into the Power of Prayer

My husband and I have made a habit of praying together and praying for our marriage. We pray for each other as well as for ourselves to be better spouses to one another. We have asked couples (over the years) do they pray for their marriage, and many of them said no. Most of them have never thought to pray for their marriage. We tend to go to God about everything in life except our marriages. We pray for our health, finances, children, etc. but we fail to include our marriages. Maybe we think it is selfish or that God can't help us with our marriage. Maybe we secretly think we're the problem and praying about it would cause us to change - when we want our spouse to do the changing.

This week's tip is prayer. Sounds simple? Well it is. You can pray together every night or day. And below is a list of things we want you to pray for. You can pray these prayers every night or just on the designated day. You and your spouse may pray silently together, one praying aloud, or in conversational prayer (one prays aloud and then pauses and the other spouse prays aloud and pauses and that continues until you're both finished).

Prayers
1. Today - Pray that God will make your marriage what He would have it to be. That God will give your marriage a purpose.
2. Wednesday - Pray that God will keep temptation away from your marriage and if either of you are tempted that God will offer a quick escape that you will immediately take.
3. Thursday - Pray that your sex life will be fulfilling and joyous to both you and your spouse. Ask God to forgive you of past sexual sins and that you can release those past sins to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse.
4. Friday - Pray that you will share effective communication with one another. That God will help you listen attentively to each other and respond in love.
5. Saturday - Pray that you will have a better relationship with Christ. That both of you will yearn for a closer relationship with Christ.
6. Sunday - Pray that God will make you good stewards over your finances and other things that He has allowed you to borrow during your stay on earth. Being a good steward, keeps you from fighting over money.
7. Monday - Pray that prayer brings you closer as a couple and that you will continue to pray together even after this week; making this a priority.

Pray with the expectation that something will happen! 
El & Zina

Let us know how this week went and share any blessings you receive. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog to receive future emails about blog posts.

Flawless or Nah?

I woke up like this... Did you wake up with a spirit of meanness and not wanting to be bothered by your spouse? Or did you wake up praising God for another day and thanking Him that you and your spouse have another chance to get it right? How did you wake up? How do you plan to wake up from here on out?

God is not asking us to be flawless; however, He is expecting us to strive for perfection. Are you really doing the very best you can or are you squeaking by; doing just enough? Your marriage doesn't have to imitate the Johnson's, but it should show the world God's love for the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). What does your marriage say to world? Are you putting on a facade, pretending to be a happy couple? Or is your love real and can others actually feel the realness so much that they want to know God? God calls us to be an example of His love for the church so that others will come to Christ. If you don't have the right relationship with Christ, you won't have the right relationship with your spouse.

It's a new year! Why not get it right this time? We'll help you along the way. Tuesdays will be our designated Tuesday Tips. Every Tuesday we'll share a tip that we've learned and/or practiced to help make our marriage "flawless". The only thing you have to do is put it into practice. You'll have a whole week until the next tip to practice. We really want to hear from you on whether or not a tip worked for you or if you need more practice. The tips won't work if you don't put them into practice. That is key!

So this weekend, we want you to pray and ask God for wisdom and courage to walk boldly into a new season and into a new marriage. To make your marriage intentional and stop playing house, but have a joyful home.

Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy. Thank you for those reading this blog and wanting a better marriage. Thank you for their diligence and patience and guide their footsteps in the direction you would have them go so that they do not stray from your presence or your word. Allow them to hear the Holy Spirit and be obedient to His voice. We are asking for radical changes in marriages around the world. That they will be joyous and filled with contentment. That marriages around the world will be an example of your love for the church. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Is your marriage flawless or nah?