Dear Former Marriage...

El and I get the opportunity to mentor other couples so we witness their struggles first hand. Sometimes it's difficult to get a couple to understand that things will get better if they just stay the course and continue to work hard and practice the skills we're teaching. Not all of the couples we mentor make it. That's sad to say. 

It's also sad to say that some of those couples used to be El and I. We used to keep score, hold grudges, not talk for days, be judgmental and disrespectful. We were unloving and sometimes downright hateful. Our former marriage was not healthy and we were headed for divorce court. So what changed? El and I changed. We changed the way we thought about our marriage and we changed the way we thought about each other. We began to think like team players working toward the same goal and not competitors. We started learning how to have a better marriage and not only were we learning skills but we were practicing those skills. If I could write a letter to my former marriage, this is what I'd say.

Dear Former Marriage,
Remember when you met your spouse, dated, and decided to be together for life. Don't ever forget that feeling. Don't ever forget the love you have for each other. You are a beautiful couple and you will have some struggles. However, you have a foundation. You both are in church and started teaching Sunday School. Study the Word more than just right before Sunday morning. Not only should you study the Word but you should live a life that is pleasing to God every day not just on Sunday. Get involved in a marriage class and go to marriage conferences as often as possible. Start early in the marriage learning about effective communication, meeting each other's love languages, and spend time together. 

You're going to have struggles but don't stay in that space. Don't remain upset with each other and spend quality time together often. 

Dear Former El and Zina - you're going to experience infidelity but don't fret! You will get it through it and even though it seems like you won't, trust me... you will get through it. And when you come through on the other side, life will be sweeter than ever. God has a purpose for your marriage and life. HE is going to use you both to reach other couples. But you will have to live this example out loud. Don't be afraid. God will be with you every step of the way. And best of all, you will get to enjoy the fruit of your labor. You will be happier than you've ever been. You will have peace and unspeakable joy! 

Love,

Your Future Marriage


Marriage is work. Hard work. There will be times that you feel like leaving. There will be times that you want to scream, throw things, and maybe fight. Hang in there. It will get better. You're going to have to practice having a better marriage. You have to believe you can have a better marriage. 

Tuesday Tip #12: Remembering your first love

Why or how did you fall in love with ______? What made them so spectacular that you couldn't live without them? I remember why and how I fell in love with El. And it happened so fast that I wasn't ready nor expecting it. He made me laugh. He listened attentively. He made me a priority. He was helpful around the house. He wanted to please me. I remember how kind and gentle he was in the beginning our relationship. I wanted to be around him all the time. I wanted to spend all of my spare time with him. Then we got married. And some things changed. Life (our jobs, school, bills, life) seemed to get in the way and we didn't do a very good job at remembering our first love. Remembering why or how we fell in love. Remembering to laugh, to listen, to make each other a priority, to please each other. We didn't remember to be kind and gentle. Part of the issue was that we had a handicap - we didn't really know how to be a married couple. We didn't really know how to be ONE flesh. It took us almost losing our first love to wake up.

Remembering your first love may seem easy. But El and I have talked to several couples that seem to have forgotten why they fell in love in the first place. What made you want to marry that person? What was it about them that said 'forever'? Hopefully, you didn't just think that after "I do", you wouldn't have "to do" anything else because that's when the real work begins. Think about when you first met Christ? You were excited to go to church, read the Bible, pray, memorize scripture, volunteer, and help others. If you slowly drifted away from those things then you were slowly drifting away from Christ. Christ wants us in relationship with him. Relationship = the state of being connected, interdependent, a bond, alliance, linked. These things don't happen on their own. Our relationships aren't bonded by super glue. Meaning we didn't just set it and forget it. We have to stay connected. Just like the branch has to stay connected to the tree to produce good fruit; we must stay connected. This connection is the key. It's our link, our interdependence, our bond to our first love.

Remember why or how you fell in love with your spouse. And then get back to loving them just the way you did in the beginning. Make a list of things you used to do and do them again.

After the Dust Clears...

I know that it's been a while and that I said I wouldn't be gone this long last time. Well life has just taken over. El and I finished and published another book, After the Dust Clears... a story about our real life battle and victory over infidelity. If you haven't read it yet, it's available on Amazon in digital and paperback. The book comes directly from the pages of our journals that we kept during that tumultuous time. I'm currently on my 4th book which I hope will be out next year. 

El and I have been busy and when we're not busy, we're spending quality time together. Our plan is to do better with the blog and videos. I just wanted to drop a quick note and let you know what's been going on. Until next time. 

Zina 

Where have we been?

Photo courtesy of Keith Jefferson

I know it's been a while since you've heard from us. Well we've been a little busy, to say the least. El and I published our first book entitled, Intimacy: Growing closer every day. It's a couple's devotional to oneness. We are in the process of providing a video for every session and they will be released every Sunday on our YouTube Channel (GUMM Marriage Ministry). There are currently 6 sessions available at this time. Go check them out! (We're a little behind).

We are currently working on our second book which we hope to release later this fall/winter. We have a few events coming up; one of which is our yearly conference on October 7, 2017. You can RSVP now. It's free!

El and I have been enjoying life to fullest and experiencing true love in its rarest form. We are still mentoring couples and teaching marriage classes every Sunday. We are working several projects for this upcoming year so stay tuned. 

I hope we won't stay away so long next time. Let us know if you would like us to discuss any topics. 

Until next time,
Love El & Zina