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| Photo by Keith Jefferson |
El and I just celebrated 20 years of marriage... (pause). That's no small feat especially in a day and time when marriages are not surviving past 3 years. And those that do make it past the 7 year itch, are not thriving; they are just living as roommates. El and I are often asked what we are doing to have this type of relationship. The answer is simple (or maybe not), we work at it! And by work - I mean we're kind to one another. We communicate throughout the day. We communicate when we get home from work. We spend time together. Real Time. Not just a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday. But we spend 1-2 hours a night (every night) connecting whether it's watching our favorite TV shows or talking. And we are giving each other our full attention. We recently started working out together in the mornings before work. We have a standing date night every week and sometimes we go out 2 more times outside of our date night. We're thoughtful toward each other, meaning we think about each other during the day and may sometimes buy a small gift (i.e. card, candy) to show our thoughtfulness. We also show thoughtfulness in our kind words toward one another. We're intimate with each other by kissing and touching. We keep each other informed of things going on in our lives. We put God first by doing a devotion every morning and discussing it. So we aren't doing anything out of the ordinary or so we thought.
However, we've come to find out that most couples are not doing
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| Photo by Keith Jefferson |
these things in their marriage. They aren't having honest communication. They aren't spending real time together. They aren't going on a date every week. They aren't thoughtful toward one another. They aren't intimate by kissing and touching. They don't keep each other informed of their whereabouts or whatever. They aren't spending time with God and they certainly aren't discussing God's Word together. The question is why? Why does this seem so hard to do? Isn't your marriage important enough to put in the work? Don't you love your spouse enough to talk to them and spend time with them? Maybe so, but maybe you love yourself more. Maybe what you want is far more important than what your spouse wants. Maybe you've already done all of this and got nothing in return on your investment. Maybe there are past hurts and you feel your spouse doesn't deserve it. Maybe ...I could go on and on. But the final analysis comes down to this -- do you want a great marriage or do you want a roommate? Does your marriage reflect God's love for the church? And when others see you, do they see a person with great joy which stems from a great marriage? Or do they see a bitter person not able to move on from past hurts? Are you driving people toward God or away from His Kingdom?
I'll be the first to admit, I didn't think the work was worth it. But I see the fruits of our labor. I've seen the fruits of our labor for some time now and I don't ever want to go back to being roommates. I love the intimacy and the feeling of overwhelming love I get being with El. However, I know in order for us to stay in this space, we have to continue to work at it. It's like planting a rose bush, cultivating it, and watching it bloom into something beautiful. Then forget about it for a couple of weeks and expect it to continue blossoming. Without the continued pruning and cultivating, your roses will die. The same is with a marriage...without the continued pruning and cultivating, it will die.
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| Photo by Keith Jefferson |
El and I are on auto pilot now... we wake up, spend time with God, workout, communicate, share intimacy, spend time together, date, pray, sleep, wake up and repeat. Every day the same (not boring) except when we throw in a small token of thoughtfulness like a card, flowers, or a candlelight dinner. But for the most part, we are in the routine of making our marriage work for us. We made it to 20 years and we're not just surviving, we're thriving! We're cultivating our marriage so it continues to blossom!
