Friday, March 27, 2015

I'm married, but I'm not happy!

"I'm not happy anymore, so I think I should get a divorce." 
"I know God does not want me to stay in this state, so we should divorce and go our separate ways." 
"There's got to be more out there than this. I deserve to be happy."
"If he/she was truly my soulmate, we wouldn't have all these problems." 
"I'm not sure I ever loved him/her. It's time for me to be happy." 

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. (James 1:2-4)


Happiness depends on what is happening around you, but joy is predicated on your relationship with Christ. James states that we should consider it great joy when face trials. Why? Because the testing of our faith produces growth and perseverance. And once we are fully developed, we will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 

Diamonds are made by very high temperatures and extreme pressure beneath the earth's surface. The combination of extreme heat and pressure and the movement to the surface quickly forms this beautiful diamond. But the diamond doesn't become what it is without trials (heat and pressure). Just like the diamond, we too have to endure heat and pressure to become what God wants us to become. Without trials, we don't rise to our full potential. Without trials, we forget God. Without trials, we think we're in control. Without trials, we can't exhibit the fruit of Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). So does this mean that you will never be happy? Of course not. However, happiness is predicated on things happening around you; your circumstances. And if you think about your circumstances when your spouse is not being loving or respectful, then you will not feel happy. On the other hand, if you believe your joy (which is a state of contentment) is predicated on internal factors such as your relationship with Christ, then you will always be content no matter what. 

You won't be happy in your marriage all the time, but if you have a relationship with Christ, you'll be able to look to God when your needs are not being met and know that He is able to supply those needs when your spouse isn't. We're human and flawed and God did not design us to be able to meet every need. If He did, then there would be no need for Christ. God wants us to depend on Him. That's why we have trials, so we can go to Him. He's our daddy! And a damn good one! You can go to Him with anything and He'll never tell anyone. He's always just. He loves us unconditionally, even when we're unlovable. 

So by now, you may be saying, "That's all good, but my spouse ____." Okay, I know, but no matter what you put in the blank, God is able! He created marriage, but I feel as if many people forget that. We go to God for everything else except for our marriages. We don't pray for our spouses to be better spouses. We don't pray for ourselves to be better spouses. We don't pray for temptation to be kept away or for us to escape it. Sometimes, we're stuck in our mess and we don't want to go to God. But those are the times that we should run to him. During a season of my life, when I wanted to be mad at El for his indiscretion, I was running away from God. I was sinning by being unforgiving and disrespectful. I was convicted, but I didn't want to stop being angry. However, I wasn't hurting El...I was hurting myself. I was separating myself from God. And that's what sin will do. In our sinning, the enemy will have us believe that there is something better out there other than our spouse. The enemy will get you to believe the lie that you deserve to be happy and that there is no way you can be happy with this spouse. So you harbor resentment and look for an escape and you think divorce is your only option. But it's not! If you truly turn to God, He'll help you discover a new marriage with the same spouse. (Hallelujah! I could shout right there!) Are all your days going to be blissful? NO! But with God, you'll have true joy and peace even in the midst of an unhappy season. 


I'm married and truly happy! I also have joy that only God can give! 

Are you searching for happiness or joy? Do you depend on Christ to meet your every need or are you putting your trust in a flawed spouse who is unable to meet your every need? Are you praying for your marriage and being specific about how you want God to intercede? Are you expecting a new marriage with the same spouse? 

Father, I come to you on behalf of all marriages, asking that you first forgive us of our sins and then be in the center and the forefront of our marriages. That you will heal those marriages that are hurting. That you will show us where we need to improve and make us better spouses for the mate you have given us. That you will give us patience and in our waiting, you will comfort us and supply those needs our spouses are unable to supply. Help us to build a strong relationship with You daily! In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Are you working on your marriage?

I've put in a lot of hours studying in college for a bachelor's degree, master's degree, educational specialist degree, and then another master's degree. I've had my share of tests, research, papers, and projects. I worked really hard to make A's in college and do my best. I sacrificed a lot of time to make sure I did well. I put in the same time if not more in raising our son. Making sure he had a home cooked meal at least five days a week. Teaching him to read, write, and do chores around the house. Helping him with homework and projects. Loving him and teaching him about Christ. I also worked hard as a teacher. Preparing lessons that were engaging. Offering tutoring after school hours. Attending workshops to improve my skills or learn new ones. I say all of this to ask, Are you working on your marriage? Many of us spend countless hours working on some project or task. However, we neglect the gift from God. Instead of making an effort to be a better spouse, we'd rather surf Facebook or watch Empire or hangout with our friends. We'll spend hours engaged in other activities, but when it comes to our marriage we neglect it. 

How do we go about working on our marriage anyway? Well there are several things you can do and many of them you can start doing today!
1. Spend some time with God. How much time? As much time as you need, but make sure it's productive. Start your day with God. Wake up and read a devotion along with scripture and then pray and ask God for guidance and/or understanding. Talk to Him throughout the day and before you go to sleep. Spending time with God will give you the strength later to be a better spouse. To be less selfish and more serving. A true relationship with God will benefit your married life more than you know. It is only because of God that my marriage is still standing today. And it is because of God that we are still in love and happy! 
2. Spend time with your spouse. How much time? At least 2.5 hours a day. When you and your spouse awake in the morning, greet each other with warm touches and soft voices. Acknowledge your spouse when they come home from work with a hug and an excited voice. Talk to them throughout the day (if it's possible) via text or phone. Go on date once a week. Laugh together. Keep them informed. El and I spend time together every day. We make sure we go on a date at least once a week. Stop saying you don't have time. Make the time! You make the time for everything else.
3. Spend some time learning. How much time? Go to a marriage conference at least once a year. Read a good marriage book together at least every other month or every month. Listen to a marriage podcast every week or every day. Read a marriage devotion every day. Make sure you discuss ideas/thoughts with your spouse and don't forget to apply the knowledge you've gained. When you attend a workshop for your job, your boss is expecting you to apply those skills when you return back to work. The same is true in your marriage. When you learn or discover a new skill, apply it in your marriage. El and I don't have a great marriage by chance. We have to practice effective communication. We have to practice forgiveness. We have to work on our marriage. And we have to work on it every day. It's just like pruning a garden. If you ignore it soon weeds will grow, insects will invade it, and you garden will suffer. If you don't work on your marriage, it can suffer and eventually die. Make sure you are watering and pruning your garden.
4. Spend some time evaluating. How much time? Every week. In order for you to know if you're working on your marriage, you will need an evaluation. Just like your yearly evaluation on your job, your spouse can give you a weekly evaluation of how well you are doing as a spouse. Don't get defensive if you are not making an A. Keep trying and keep practicing. You'll get it right! Then you can learn a new skill and begin to put it into practice. El and I ask each other often, "How is your love tank?" If the love tank is anything other than full, the follow up question is "What can I do to make it better?" Don't expect your marriage to just be wonderful without some evaluation. 
5. Spend some time reflecting. How much time? Maybe once a week or monthly. Think about areas where you need to improve and areas where you are doing well. Ask your spouse ideas on how to improve those weak areas and work together to become better spouses. Reflection allows us time to view ourselves and analyze our flaws. It doesn't make us weak to admit that we need improving. It makes us mature and it shows that we care about the health of our marriage. I spend a lot time analyzing ways I can become a better spouse. I pray and ask God to make me a better wife. To make me the wife that El needs. I think about conversations where I could have said something different or extended grace quicker. I know the struggles of having a full plate with work, school, kids, etc. and wondering how do I make time for my marriage. If you invest in your marriage, I promise you'll see the rewards. I have. And I was about to walk away thinking my marriage was dead and that it could not be resurrected. But Glory be to God! Not only can He raise Lazarus from the dead, but He can resurrect dead marriages. However, you still have to put in some work! 

I hope you will take the time to improve the quality of your marriage. Even if your marriage is scoring an A+, there's always room to learn new skills for maintenance. It's when you stop learning that your marriage grows stagnant. Are you working on your marriage? I hope the answer is yes!

Still working,
Zina

Monday, March 16, 2015

Are you wasting time?

How much time are you wasting? Are you spending your time arguing with your spouse, instead of loving them? Are you holding grudges for hours, days, weeks, or even months? Are you threatening divorce or separation instead of rebuilding intimacy? Are you wasting time? Tomorrow is not promised to you. Stop wasting time. Get it right today! 

Am I saying that you will never have conflicts? No. Are there going to be times when you get upset with your spouse? Yes. But let's resist the temptation to hold a grudge or threaten divorce. Let's choose to bless our spouse instead of curse them. Let's choose to restore the relationship on a daily basis. Let's give forgiveness freely and often. Life is short. Death is all around us. Just watch the news or view the paper...death occurs everyday. Do you want your last words to your spouse to be harsh or unforgiving? 

Me, my mom, dad, and brother
Have you ever experienced not being able to tell someone you love them before they die? Well I have. My father passed away when I was a senior in high school; 3 days after Christmas in 1987. I was upset with him because of the way he treated my mother. They were separated at the time and he was reaching out to me asking me to go to lunch with him and talk. But I kept blowing him off and I continued to stay angry. So when he died, I was not prepared for the wave of emotions that would come from not having the chance to say to him one more time: "I love you, daddy. I forgive you, daddy. You were always a great, father, but you needed help being a great husband. Yes, I'll go to lunch with you." He bought me a Christmas present/birthday present (growing up I used to get one gift because my birthday was in December), but I refused to meet him to pick it up. I actually told him I didn't want the gift and that he could keep it. After he died, my grandmother gave me the present. It was a small ceramic music box that plays the sweetest music (which I can't even listen to because it makes me cry). It was something simple, but he wanted me to know that he was thinking about me and even though he and my mother were having problems, he still loved me. So I lived with regret for years after his death because I didn't tell him that I still loved him and that the last words he might have heard from me were: "I don't want to go to lunch with you." This regret gnawed at my soul for a long time. I can never get that time back. I can never go back in time and make it right. 

Are you wasting time? Your spouse will not be on this earth forever. Stop wasting precious time bickering, holding grudges, or ignoring them. Get it right today. Choose to love them, today. Choose to live with them in this moment, right now, today! Choose to bless them every chance you get. Choose to go to lunch with them. Choose love. 

Imagine what your life would be like if your spouse died tomorrow. For me, I can't even fathom this thought. I can't imagine my life without El. I don't want to picture that. And for this reason, I choose love everyday. I choose to forgive everyday. I choose life with him everyday; not to hold grudges, not to ignore him, and to tell him "I love you" every chance I get. I choose to show him gratitude for choosing me. I choose to make our marriage a priority. I choose love. We all have choices to make. Are you choosing your spouse today or are you wasting time? 

Lord, I pray that we will choose love today. That we learn the value of the gift You have given us--our spouse. Help us to appreciate that gift and nourish it. Set our priorities on the right track so we are not wasting time on frivolous tasks; but we make our marriage intentional. Give us generous forgiving hearts toward our spouse and bless our marriage abundantly. Pour life into our marriage that our cup will run over with joy. Allow us to see our spouse as You see them and to love them unconditionally. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Dating after children come along?

Have children? Are you and your spouse still dating after the children have come along? If you aren't, please start today. If you are, share your ideas with other couples. El and I share some tips on how to keep dating after children have come along. Watch the video below.


Remember to share your dating ideas with other couples and share your dates #ezdates. 

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Thursday, March 5, 2015

Do you like your spouse?

El and I enjoy spending time together. No, really! We enjoy spending a lot of time together. In fact, we can't wait to get home every day to see each other. We want to talk to each other throughout the day (that's why use Yahoo IM). We enjoy our days off together and when we're apart, we yearn to be back each other's presence. Have you ever felt like that? Does your spouse or significant other make you want to be around them all the time? So you may be asking, what's the secret? 

Well I think the reason El and I want to be around each other so much is because there are no expectations. Meaning, we don't expect each other to perform. We are relaxed and comfortable around each other. We don't care about hair, makeup, teeth, feet, etc. We can be completely open and vulnerable. Neither of us is going to use something said against the other later. We don't criticize each other. If something is bothering us, we just say it (in love of course). We're constantly trying to improve our relationship by improving ourselves. We want to be a better spouse for each other. We're not afraid to let our guard down (even after past hurts). We like each other. Not just love, but we like each other. And we laugh together every day. But most importantly, we have a relationship with Christ. It is because of that relationship that we are able to have the relationship (with each other) that we have. This doesn't make us holier than thou - it makes us closer as husband and wife. We respect our marriage and demand that others respect it as well. We keep each other informed so there are no surprises or tricks from the enemy. We're constantly learning each other. We pay attention to each other by observing and studying behaviors. We like each other.  

Spend some time getting to know your spouse again. Rekindle the reasons why you like them. Invest in your marriage by making it intentional and demand that others respect your marriage by safeguarding your spouse's heart from the attacks of the enemy. 

Share reasons why you like your spouse. We'd love to hear from you. Don't forget to share this blog, comment, and subscribe. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

How do you stay connected?

El and I shared some tips on how to stay connected after being married 18 years. View the video below and then share how you and your spouse are staying connected.


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