Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Don't fix it!

In the past when I came home, El would ask me to tell him about my day. So I would start...

Me: Baby, there were only two people in my aerobics class, today, but we still had a very good workout. I had to run a lot of errands...and I bought some toilet paper. I had lunch with my mother. We went to Olive Garden...you know the same place we go every Saturday. Oh and Lane Bryant had a sale, but I didn't buy anything...because we don't really have the money this week. But there was this lady talking so loud on her cell phone, that everyone in the store could hear her. She was fussing at her kids, right there in the store------

This is when I'd be interrupted with a ton of questions and suggestions.

El: You should have told her to go outside...why was she yelling anyway? Why didn't the manager say something to her? 

Me: I hadn't finished telling you the story yet. 

El: Well you paused. 

Me: No I didn't...you interrupted...

El: Yes you did...there was a pause.

Me: Nevermind. 

El: No finish your story...I'm listening.

Then I would clam up and refuse to finish the story. I really just wanted El to listen to me. To engage in uninterrupted time and just listen. Listen the way my girlfriends would listen by nodding and interjecting an occasional "uh-huh".  We (women) don't want you (men) to fix it. We don't even want your suggestions (unless we ask). We just want you to say: really...then what happen...and what did you say...for real...un-huh... That's all. We want you to listen attentively and just...listen. Now for most men, this may be hard. Men are innately born to fix problems. They want to solve all of our issues. They want to be our knight in shining armor. But listen up men! Sometimes...most of the time...all the time...we don't want a fix. We just want you to listen. Conversation to us is like sex to you. When our husbands listen to us, it makes us want to be intimate with them. (Men...if you don't hear anything else, hear that!).

Eventually I learned to start my conversations with: I don't want you to fix this...just listen. If El tried to start fixing something...I would tell him to put away his tool belt. However, we don't have that problem as much anymore. El has become a very good listener. He is good at turning toward me and giving me his undivided attention.

Here are a few tips for active listening:
1. Turn toward your spouse and give them eye contact.
2. Pause or mute the TV. You may want to pause the TV so you won't be distracted by the motion on the screen.
3. Silence your phone and put it down. Don't text or look at the phone while your spouse is talking to you.
4. Don't interrupt. Allow them time to complete their statements.
5. Give clarifying statements to let your spouse know you are paying attention and you understand what they are saying.

You may feel as if you are already a good listener; if so good for you! But check with your spouse to be sure. And ladies, we need to be good listeners as well. Put down the laundry and pause Scandal. Your spouse needs your undivided attention also. You may be thinking, "Well my husband doesn't talk." That may be because you didn't listen to him in the past or he has never had your undivided attention.

You may think that you've heard everything your spouse has to say or maybe you're not interested in what they have to say. However, your spouse should be your primary focus and every time they communicate with you, you should be eager to listen. Actively listening is one way to build intimacy with your spouse. You may discover a new interest your spouse has or find that something's been troubling him/her. Take time to listen to your spouse. Develop an intimate bond by paying close attention to your spouse.

Take time this week to listen intently to your spouse. What will you do specifically this week to build better listening skills? Share your ideas by leaving a comment.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

What's your IQ - Intimacy Quotient?

Intimacy. There are several types of intimacy, but the overall basis of intimacy is simply a strong closeness with someone else; familiarity; or relationship. You should have this type of closeness with your spouse; but you should also have this type of intimacy with God. There are several ways to develop an intimate relationship with your spouse and with God.

Remember the story of Hosea and Gomer in the book of Hosea? Hosea married a promiscious woman named Gomer at the command of God to show an example of God's love for His disobedient people. God wants to have a relationship with you; an intimate relationship with you. Are you going to be like Gomer and continue to be promiscious with other "gods"? Your "god" could be anything such as your job, your home, your car, your children, your spouse, or anything you put more faith, energy, love, and care in more than God. Don't be like Gomer. Come back to God and really serve Him; develop a closeness to Him. Increasing your intimacy level with Christ will build the foundation needed to have a stronger intimacy level in your marriage.

As you begin to build that intimate relationship with God; you should be building an intimate relationship with your spouse. Your spouse is longing for a special closeness with you. He/she wants to know that you are in their corner; that you support them and you will always be there for them.
I can't begin to tell you how close El and I are. I want to be around him all the time and he wants to be close to me. He is an awesome husband and father. This closeness is a result of our spiritual journey. We've always been the best of friends, but the closer we draw to God, the closer we draw to each other. El and I spend every evening together discussing the day's events. We draw closer to each other during pillow talk as we talk about our schedules, watch TV together, and snuggle with one another. We go grocery shopping together and laugh and play in the store. Intimacy is special and should be something that is growing within your marriage and with God. El and I wouldn't have the relationship we have today without a strong relationship with Christ. We pray about everything and we take our burdens to God. We listen to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to guide us. We need Christ! This journey would be null and void without Christ.

Ask yourself these questions to determine your intimacy level?
1. How many hours a day do I spend with Christ (reading the Bible, praying, quiet time, etc)?
2. How many hours a day do I spend with my spouse (talking, listening, sharing, touching, etc)?
3. How transparent am I with my spouse on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 10 being completely transparent and 1 being completely closed off)?
4. How often do you fill your spouse's love tank? (How many days out of the week?)
5. How many days of the week do you pray with your spouse?

Here are mine and El's answers to those questions above.
1.On average, I spend about 3-4 hours a day with Christ. I read a few devotions as soon as I wake up every morning. Then I read or listen to a few scriptures. Next, while I'm getting dressed and on the way to work, I listen to sermons via podcasts. I also listen to sermons while I'm at work via podcasts and on the way home from work. We usually have prayer via conference call several times a week and I will pray or just talk to God throughout the day. Then El and I pray before we go to bed at night. El says he spends about 30 minutes a day with Christ. He usually reads his bible when he gets up first thing in the morning.
2. El and I spend a lot of time talking throughout the day via Yahoo Messenger or text messaging. We also call each other a few times during the day. Then when we get home, we talk about our day some more and share our thoughts and feelings. We always give each other a kiss when we've been apart for any length of time and usually we add a big hug. We keep each other informed on our whereabouts and if we're ever going to be late or if plans change, we call. I feel secure knowing this about El and I'm sure it makes him feel good knowing the same.
3. El and I are very transparent with each other (10)! When we met, we talked about everything and we still do! We are able to be completely naked and unashamed (Gen. 2:25). We have a deep level of intimacy and I'm thankful to God for that.
4. I try to fill El's love tank at least 7 days a week. I make sure to ask, "How is your love tank?" so it won't get empty. El says he does this about 3-4 days week. (I think it's more than that - my love tank is usually full!).
5. We pray together every night before bed and sometimes throughout the day.

Why not increase your IQ today! Knock the walls down and let your spouse know that you are committed to the marriage. Build an intimate relationship with Christ as your foundation and allow Him to take your marriage to new heights.

For fun, you might want to take the intimacy quotient assessment. Feel free to comment with your responses to the questions above or share some ideas about how you are building intimacy in your relationship.


Sunday, November 9, 2014

18 years and counting...

I remember the first day I met El, late in 1995. I was working as a teller supervisor at NBC (which is now Suntrust) in front of the Hickory Ridge Mall. He walked into the bank to make a deposit from his employer, Casual Male Big and Tall. He waited for me so I could take his deposit. He immediately tried to talk to me and get my number. I hate to admit it, but at the time, I wasn't really interested. He was 4 years younger than I was and I was ready to settle down. But I told him he could call me if he found my phone number (it was listed - LOL). Well he found my number and he also found out that we lived in the same neighborhood, Raleigh, (Memphis, TN) only about 5 minutes away from each other.

Later, I began to visit El at his job, which was down the street from where I worked - what a coincidence. We lived by each other and we worked by each other. El and I became really close friends, sharing stories about our past and present love interests (which we soon ended). We started spending a lot of time together...he would stay at my house for hours, making kool-aid, helping me with the dishes, playing with my son, and keeping me company. We talked about everything and I mean everything! And when he went home, we talked on the phone. He became my best friend. I felt safe and comfortable around El. We spent all of Spring Break (1996) together and when my favorite cousin, Dana, met him for the first time, she said, "He is going to be your husband!" (She'd never said that before). She even let him drive her new car!

When I met El's mom, she told me that El already had a wife and that I would be his second wife. I laughed and told her apparently the first wife wasn't woman enough to keep El because he was marrying me. She laughed and I knew then, I was in! I passed the test. When I met El's dad and mom, there was an instant connection. I felt as if I had known them my whole life. His family also accepted my son and loved him like he had been a part of their family from day one.

Eventually we decided to move in together. It was during that time while we were looking for an apartment that I realized how much I wanted this man in my life for a long time and not just as a friend. I'd never been so in love before. He was definitely sent by God. I remember praying and asking God if El was my spouse and it was clear that he was! However, us living together posed a threat because we were sinning and being disobedient toward God. So we decided we would get married in 1998; however, when we visited my aunt in Nashville, she suggested 1997. (Which revealed I had her approval and that she liked El. She even mentioned that she believed my father would have liked him if he was still alive - El was the one!). But after God pricked my heart, I realized our relationship might not last if we continued to live in sin. So before the year was out, we started planning a wedding in August of 1996 (we had 3 months before the big day - can you say stressed).

One of the things I remember El asking me was "How are we going to pay for a wedding?" And I told him God will provide. And God did provide. My cousin Tony supplied our flowers. My mom made the bridesmaids dresses. El's aunt, Althea, catered the reception. My cousin, Corey, was our photographer (he was married exactly 2 weeks before us). My other cousin, Carla, was my coordinator and my friend Winnie filled in on that day because Carla was out of town. Winnie also did my makeup. Todd Day let us borrow his Mercedes for the weekend. [Our families were excited about our marriage - so awesome to have in-laws and family get along with and like the spouses; we had that love and support from both of our families] I put my dress in layaway and made payments. We didn't even get our rings until 2 weeks before the big day. So when I would tell people I was engaged, they would look at my hand and I would say, "I don't have my ring yet". I didn't even care about the ring...I would have married El without a ring! I was marrying my best friend. The wedding day was so special. We took my mother-in-law home after the reception and then went home to open presents and entertain guests. When our company left, we went to Taco Bell and ate it on Riverside Drive. We attended church the next day at New Salem and after church we checked into the French Quarters on Madison (which is closed now). We spent two nights there before getting back to the real world. I remember the way I felt that day and I still feel the same today...in love.

Not only do I have a wonderful husband (my son has an awesome father), but I also have wonderful in-laws which I love dearly and they love me! We all get along so well! [My mom hangs out with El's mom and his grandmother - we're all one big family].

El and I have had our share of trials, but I can't begin to explain how much I love this man. I am so blessed that God has favor on me to give me such an awesome gift - my husband.

18 years ago on November 9, 1996 I married my very best friend...the one I laugh with, cry with, and love. Happy Anniversary, baby!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Dispelling the myths of marriage. Myth #3: There's nothing new we can learn...

Myth #3: There's nothing new we can learn...we already know everything there is to know about each other and our marriage won't change. Do you remember your childhood? Do you remember the toys you used to play with or the friends you used to have? Wow, how times have changed! You made it through puberty to adulthood and things have changed again. You've learned new things about the world and about yourself. You're finding out that there is always something new to learn. Just as your life continues to change, so will your marriage. It will continue to grow or it will become stagnant and stale. If you aren't learning new things about each other, then you're not paying close attention.

There will be obvious changes, such as outer appearance: hair, weight loss, new clothes, cologne, etc. However, there will also be some internal changes as your spouse grows closer to God, loses a job, gets a promotion, loses a family member, children leave home, etc. It's important to notice these changes and how they affect your spouse. As you grow together and learn new things, you'll build intimacy with your spouse. How interesting would it be to study your spouse and learn new and exciting things about him/her? Instead of trying to change your spouse into the person you want them to be, try appreciating them for who they are and learn new things about them. Why not learn how to be a better spouse so your marriage will continue to grow? Think about all the wonderful new discoveries you'll make about them by watching their little idiosyncrasies and learning to love those things that make your spouse who they are. God loves us just the way we are. He only tries to mold us into a reflection of Him. Why not try to see your spouse through God's lenses? You may discover just how wonderfully made they are.

Here are few tips to help you study your spouse (I'm sure you can easily add to this list):
1. Watch and study their breathing at night (I know this sounds creepy). I used to try to match the rhythm of my breathing to El's at night so that we would inhale and exhale at the same time.
2. Observe their morning routine: how they brush their teeth, shave, comb hair, etc. I love watching El in the morning as he brushes his teeth and then rinses with mouth wash and tries to hold a mumbling conversation (which by the way, I understand) with a mouth full of Listerine.
3. Listen intently to their conversation - even when you don't want to. There are so many things you can learn about a person by listening to them. Notice the inflection in their voice as they excitedly recap their day's events or talk about their favorite sports team. Not only do I listen to El, but I also try to recall the information later to let him know I was paying attention. Your spouse will know that you care about them if they feel you are listening to them. Listening also helps you discover the innermost parts of your spouse's heart. Their sharing can enlighten you to little insights you may have never known.
4. Notice the way they order food. I know that El likes extra mayonnaise on his sandwiches and no onions. He likes his steak medium well with ketchup (not steak sauce). He doesn't eat anything spicy and he doesn't drink alcohol. It's nice to know your spouse's favorite foods and how they like it prepared.
5. Take notes! Literally...write down things that you observe about your spouse to help you remember. When El and I first married, I wrote down his pants size, dress shirt size, and boxer size so I could surprise him with gifts. Keep a notebook or take notes on your phone of little things that you notice about your spouse that they would love. Such as their favorite cologne/perfume, favorite color, size of their clothes, where they like to shop, their favorite candy, etc.

Keep learning your spouse. For as long as you are married, never stop learning your spouse! There's always something new you can learn. Keep learning and watch your marriage flourish!