The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 3: resuscitate the marriage

When a person stops breathing or their heart stops, CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation) is performed to restore the person's life. A person trained in CPR knows there are steps to doing CPR correctly in order to save the lifeless person. First, they must call 911 for help. If the lifeless person is unresponsive, a trained person knows to act quickly and call for help. Secondly, the trained person must pump the chest. If the victim is still unresponsive, the chest must be pumped 30 times (hard and fast) to revive the heart. Thirdly, the trained person will blow twice in the victim's mouth by tilting back the head, lifting the chin slightly, pinching the nose, and blowing into the mouth until you see the chest rise and fall. The trained person repeats this until help comes or until life is restored.

CPR is important in order to save the victim's life. But what happens when our marriage shows no sign of life? It's time for CPR...
1. Call for help. There are times when you and your spouse need a third party to help you resolve conflicts or get back on the right track (Titus 2:2-6). However, you should understand that you and your spouse are going to have to do the hard work of sustaining your marriage. Seeking outside assistance is just that - assistance. Other people cannot do the work for you and your spouse. El and I mentor couples all the time and that is the first thing we tell them; that we are here to guide you, but the real work and success will be determined by what you do after this meeting. El and I have had to seek help in the past. We also attend marriage conferences to keep our marriage tools sharpened. Marriage is work and there will be times when you need some assistance, but remember you and your spouse have to do the real work. 
2. Pump the heart. The human heart pumps blood throughout the whole body. It supplies oxygen and nutrients to the tissues and removes carbon dioxide along with other waste. It is so important that it is protected behind the breastplate. Most people can survive injuries to other body parts; but if the heart is damaged, chances of survival are slim. In our marriages, the heart is where our emotions lie. However, in a lifeless marriage, it can feel as if the heart is damaged or dead. In order to resuscitate the heart, you will need to pump life back into it. You can do this by spending quality time with your spouse, speaking their love language, have meaningful conversations, listen intently to one another, and romancing your spouse. Sexual intimacy also plays a part in pumping the heart. A good way to give your heart an electrical shock is through sexual intimacy. You will also need to eliminate waste from marriage. Keep other people out of your marriage that mean to do harm (i.e. messy people, opposite sex friends, or family) [Mark 10:9]. Keep the heart of your marriage pumping vibrantly. Work on your marriage. Don't damage your spouse's heart. Safeguard your marriage and your spouse's heart. 
3. Resuscitate. Resuscitate the marriage by putting God first in your marriage (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Your marriage will remain lifeless until you place God in the center. Placing God in the center doesn't mean just saying He is in the center. Your actions should show that He is in the center. How much time are you spending with God? Having Him in the center does not mean that you only talk to God on Sunday or when you are in trouble. It also doesn't mean that you only read His word during Sunday School or Bible Study. A relationship with Christ is ongoing and the more time you spend with God, the more time you'll want to spend with Him. As I've stated before, you can't pretend to have a relationship with God; you must have a real relationship! Does having a relationship mean that everything will always be wonderful? No, never! El and I still have conflict and we still get angry at times; however, the difference is now we don't stay angry for long and we resolve our conflicts quickly. We practice unconditional forgiveness and we are quick to forgive (Ephesians 4:32). We don't hold grudges and we share our feelings. We are transparent with each other. We pray together. We invite God in the midst of our marriage in every situation and occasion. God is the only one who can revive your marriage! You can't do it alone! Seek God (Matthew 6:33) to resuscitate your marriage.

Have you and your spouse had to resuscitate a lifeless marriage? If so, what tools did you use? If your marriage needs resuscitating, perform CPR now. Don't wait until it's too late. Every second counts. Don't wait until your lifeless marriage is completely dead. Resuscitate it now!

Stay tuned for the final part, part 4: keeping the love alive.

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 2: isolation and separation.

A lifeless marriage happens when we disregard the sanctity of marriage and begin to take our spouse for granted. This usually doesn't happen over night; most times it's so gradual we don't realize it's happening. 

In the beginning, we spend time together, fall in love, get married and then life happens. We go to work every day. We have children. We deal with life's uncertainties. We go back to school. We get a promotion. We change jobs. We work too much. Our kids get involved in extracurricular activities. We buy a house. We lose a job. We graduate. We get sick. You get the point? Life happens. Over time, we can begin to isolate and separate ourselves from our spouse. Slowly. One day at a time. One life activity at a time. First, we say, "I deserve this promotion. I worked hard." Then you begin to spend more time at work than at home. You start bringing your work home with you. Your spouse comes home and goes to one room while you hibernate in another. This becomes the daily routine. There are no date nights. There is no physical closeness. There is no quality time. There are no sweet conversations throughout the day. You are living your own life and so is your spouse. You have isolated yourself from the marriage and separated from your spouse. 

I don't think El and I ever got to a place of complete isolation and separation; however, we were pretty close. When I was a first year teacher, I was also working on a Master's degree. Many of my nights were spent in the study room working on lesson plans, grading papers, and doing homework. I wanted to spend time with El but I also knew I had to get my work done to be successful. My priorities were out of focus. My marriage should have been my first priority. So how do you find time (at least 2.5 hours/day) and how do you refrain from isolation in your marriage? It's not easy especially if you have children. During that time I was teaching and going to school, CJ was in 3rd grade. So there were times when he needed help with homework and projects. There were times that El and I tried to take advantage of holidays; however, those also caused a problem because he wanted to spend time with his family and I wanted to spend time with just him. Again, we didn't know how to effectively communicate our needs and this tension only created more isolation and separation. 

Today; fortunately, we have learned how to manage our time so we won't slip into isolation and separation. El is in school full time and working full time; however, he gets most of his homework done at work and then finishes what's needed at home. I'm currently studying to take the counseling exam as well as trying to keep our blog, website, podcasts, and other social media sites current. So how do we keep from falling into the isolation trap? We have a standing date night every Saturday and I recognize when El's tired and needs to stay in. We discuss our devotions in the morning. We spend time talking throughout the day on Yahoo Instant Messenger. We call each other a few times a day as well and send cute text notes. We spend time catching up when we come home at night and then we have pillow talk before bed. You may be thinking 'wow, that's a lot'. However, for us it's awesome! We are making our marriage intentional and we are making each other a priority. Sometimes, we turn off the phones so we aren't disturbed. With all the time we spend together, it doesn't leave much time outside of that for anything else - including the enemy and temptations. 

The enemy wants to isolate and separate you from your spouse. His goal is to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). He does not want your marriage to prosper. However, God ordained marriage (Genesis 2:24-25) and He wants your marriage to flourish. He has a purpose for your marriage. He wants you and your spouse to become one (Mark 10:8). He wants your marriage to represent God's love for the church. Just as we should spend ample time with Christ (reading His word, praying, and applying His statutes); we should also spend adequate time with our spouse (talking, being sexually intimate, and responding to each other's needs). 

Is your marriage on the way toward isolation and separation? If so, how can you return to oneness? If not, what are doing to keep from drifting apart? Share one specific tool that you and your spouse are using to create oneness and stop the drift toward isolation and separation. 

Stay tuned for part 3: resuscitate the marriage. 

The Lifeless Marriage Pt. 1: from blissfulness to dissfulness

On November 9, 1996, El and I were married and life couldn't seem to get any better. However, the next year seemed disastrous. We argued a lot, to say the least. We argued about everything, mostly about our son CJ. CJ, remembering one of our arguments, asked us why we were arguing about who was going to take him to school. He knew the argument wasn't really about who was taking him to school; it was greater than that. He was right. I don't remember now what that argument was about but I'm sure it was something stupid. The point is most of us don't really have any idea how to be married when we first get married. I had a few ideas of my own. I knew that I wanted to cook for my husband. I knew that I wanted to be a good homemaker. I knew that I wanted to spend time (a lot of time) with my husband. I yearned for that close relationship with a man, which is why I wanted to marry El in the first place because we were best friends before we married. I enjoyed the closeness we shared. I liked the idea of having my best friend wake up with me every morning and go to bed with me each night. 

The only thing is I don't know if El shared the same idea of marriage as I did. He had just turned 21 and for him life was just beginning. He still hung out with his friends or they hung out at our house (more than they should have for us being newlyweds). The fact that I cooked didn't make it any better because he invited them to come eat with us often. Neither one of us knew how to express our feelings in an effective way that we could both clearly understand. I didn't know how to tell him I wanted time alone with him and he didn't know how to express his needs effectively. Instead, we just yelled at each other, got upset, and then there were times that I wanted to be violent (this is the behavior I'd seen from my father) because I thought that was how to get my point across. Other times we would hold grudges and not speak for days. We didn't know how to handle conflict. We went from wedded bliss to wedded diss. We started taking our marriage for granted; not really knowing how to have more good days than bad. 

We had a little foundation; we were going to church every Sunday and even taking notes. However, we never read the bible during the week (2 Tim. 2:15). We never did any devotions. We never listened to sermons outside of church. We hardly ever prayed together. I remember when I started teaching Sunday School, I was thinking this will make me study the Word more. However, that was not the case. I did not start studying more. In fact, I just studied Saturday night. Soon after I started teaching, El was asked to teach Sunday School. Great, right! That's what I thought. I thought we would start studying the word together. But that did not happen either. I was in school and he was working and life just got in the way. So we would study on Saturday nights. By this time we had been married about 4 years. We were discussing renewing our wedding vows for our 5 year anniversary; but that did not happen because the pastor was out of town. So we renewed our vows the following year (6 year anniversary). Well let's just say this is when all hell broke loose. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but the enemy crept into our marriage and ripped it all to pieces (John 10:10). The following year (2003), right before our 7 year anniversary I found out about El's infidelity. 

We were just doing life. Going to work. Going to school. Going through life without really making our marriage intentional. There were moments of cards, flowers, balloons, poems, etc. but those things didn't make up for the absence of quality time, physical touch, or safeguards. A lifeless marriage is right around the corner if you're not careful. You can wake up from the honeymoon and walk right into divorce. 

Today, El and I have a thirst for the word. We study the bible. We have morning devotions. We pray together often. We spend a lot of time together. We make our marriage intentional and we make each other a priority.  

What are you doing to keep from having a lifeless marriage? Share one specific thing you and your spouse do to keep the spark.

Stay tuned for part 2: isolation and separation.  

Drink water from your own cistern…

 A friend of mine came to me with a complaint. She wanted to know why single women seem to not care about making advances toward married men. Even if the man has stated that he is married and not interested, she continues to disregard this and pursue the husband. As my friend was talking about her dilemma, I immediately thought about the term “thirsty women” and the need to drink from your own cistern. We are unable to control another’s behavior; however, we can deter their behavior. If our spouses ignore advances from the opposite sex, this is typically a pretty good determent. Fish don’t usually bite if there is no bait. However, there are some thirsty people and ignoring them does not satisfy their dry mouth. In fact, it makes them thirstier. So you have to make sure you put on the whole armor of God and guard your spouse’s heart. Don’t think for one second that the enemy is just going to let you ignore him without a second, third, fourth or more attempts. He doesn’t give up so easy. That’s why we need to always be on guard. 

Proverbs 5:15-21 tells us to drink water from own cistern and enjoy the wife of your youth. Husbands, you have chosen a wife and God has given you a gift. Why would you reject this gift by sharing your body, heart, or mind with someone else? Another woman can make all the advances she wants, but you have to be a willing participant to entertain her (the same can be true for a wife dealing with advances from another man). Why would you trade true intimacy for a cheap thrill with a thirsty person? And don’t think for a moment that God is not watching you. If you are the person making advances toward someone else’s spouse, you are wrong. God knows your every step and He is not happy.

Husbands and wives, as you drink water from your own cistern, remember these things:

1. Cherish your spouse. Your spouse is a gift from God. After we (El and I) went through the trial of adultery, El started calling me his GG; short for God’s Gift. He acknowledges that our union is not a 'fly by night' union; it is a union that God has put together (Mark 10:9). El cherishes his gift and so do I. We realize that God has placed us together for a purpose and we are honored to fulfill that purpose with each other. This means we have to cherish each other and not take each other for granted.

2. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Enjoy your spouse and appreciate the gift that God has given you. It is easy to get into a routine of your daily rigmarole and forget to give your spouse the attention they need. El and I make sure we spend time together every evening recapping our day and reconnecting. We also make time at least once a week for a date with just the two of us to spend some quality time together. We speak each other’s love language and encourage each other often. Make sure your spouse feels appreciated by you so when they go out into the world they aren’t seeking approval nor is anyone else able to make them feel better than you make them feel. 

3. Build intimacy with your spouse. There’s nothing more special than intimacy with a couple. A special bond that only the two of you share. Intimacy can be built in many forms: spiritual, sexual, emotional, and mental. When you and your spouse share several different forms of intimacy, there is a deeper bond between the two of you. Make time to build intimacy with your spouse daily. Share devotions together. Read God's Word together. Spend time together. Talk and listen to each other daily. Have sex often. Dream with each other. Love each other hard.

Drink water from your own cistern and leave those thirsty people to draw from their own wells. They are not your responsibility; your spouse is. If you continue to neglect your spring wells, you may very well find them polluted. Make sure you drink from your own barrel.