Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 3: Restoring Intimacy

Gen 2:24-25 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.(NIV)

Once you've released forgiveness and started rebuilding trust, you can begin to restore intimacy. Restoring intimacy means being open and vulnerable (don't confuse this with weakness) with one another. Allow your defensive walls to come down and share intimate details of your life with your spouse. If intimacy was not there before infidelity, then take this time to build intimacy. Here are some tips to help you restore intimacy. 

1. Pray together. One of you can pray aloud for both of you or you can pray silently together. Pray for healing and pray for a better marriage.

2. Study the Word together. A good place to start is Ephesians 5. Get a study bible or a commentary and read verses together and discuss how you will apply those verses to your everyday life. 

3. Listen to a Podcast together. My husband and I usually spend Sunday mornings (while getting ready for church) listening to Podcasts as part of our morning devotion. Then we discuss them and how they relate to our lives. Suggestions for Podcasts: Marriage Today, Jimmy and Karen Evans; America's Family Coaches on OnePlace.com, Gary and Barb Rosberg; Together in the Word, Gary Chapman; there are many more. 

4. Communicate with one another. Spend some quality time, face-to-face with your spouse communicating. Turn off the TV, the phone, and close the computer and look in your spouse's eyes. Actively listen to them and respond to their comments. Communication is not one sided. Both parties have to talk and both parties have to listen and this cannot be done at the same time. Also show interest in your spouse's conversation. Your spouse will not want to share with you if he/she feels you are not interested in what they are talking about. Remember, infidelity usually occurs because one person feels devalued in the relationship (this is not an excuse; however, if you don't listen to your spouse, someone else will). 

5. Touch each other often. Physical touch builds intimacy. A simple back rub, holding hands, a kiss, or a hug can make a person feel special and that they are important. Make touching a priority; even if you're not a touchy-feely person, make a point to touch your spouse often. 

Restoring intimacy requires being in tune with your spouse. Studying them and knowing their likes and dislikes. Make your spouse a priority and restore intimacy in your marriage today. 

*Take the 5 Love Language assessment and find out you and your spouse's love language. Learn to speak your spouse's love language often. 

What do you think? On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being not so good and 10 being awesome...where would you say your intimacy level is in your marriage? If you said 5 or below; which of the tips above can you start doing today to improve intimacy in your marriage? Leave a comment. Which of these five tips are you willing to commit to this week? Or share what you're already doing to improve intimacy.

Stay tuned for the final part: Renewing Purpose

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust

After we release forgiveness, we need to rebuild the trust if we want our marriage to be completely healed. Rebuilding trust can be a long and arduous process. However, in order to rebuild trust, both parties involved must be willing and submit to the Lord's Will. This is not always an easy process because when someone betrays your trust, you are expecting them to betray it again. But trust can be rebuilt. Trust me!


Finally, after many years, my husband and I have rebuilt the trust in our marriage. Often, I'm asked, "So, do you really trust him?" And I reply, "I trust God to protect me and my marriage. My husband is human and he will make mistakes. I put my trust in a perfect God!" This may sound like I don't trust him. However, I do. I'm not looking through phone records or expecting him to mess up. But he is also doing his part - by guarding my heart and keeping me informed so I won't assume or be blindsided. Rebuilding trust doesn't mean that you are a fool and will be blind to another offense. It also doesn't mean that you will continue to expect that person to mess up again. You have to turn your attention to God - a perfect God that will protect you and your marriage. People are human and we are imperfect. So we will let you down and we will mess up. That is why God sent His Son to die for our sins; because God knew that we would need new mercy and grace every day! Rebuilding trust also means the offender must be an open book with their lives (phone, email accounts, whereabouts, etc.) Trust cannot be rebuilt if secrets are constantly kept and if the offender is still unable to be located when away from his/her spouse. Remember it takes both parties to rebuild trust. And every time there is another offense, you move back to square one in rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust in your marriage means granting new mercy and grace every day. Your spouse is never going to be perfect. They are never going to do what you want them to do at the very moment you want them to do it. We rebuild trust by surrendering to God and allowing Him to get our spouse back on track. However, the offender has to make a concerted effort to rebuild trust as well. He/She can't just act like nothing happened and expect you to get over it. They have to seek reconciliation and they have to make sure they are being honest and open in the marriage. Now the key here is for both of you to have a real relationship with God. Without a relationship with God, you will not be able to grant new mercy and grace. You will not be able to have peace in your marriage after infidelity and you will constantly be waiting for your spouse to mess up again. So you may be saying well what if I have a relationship with God but my spouse doesn't, then what? Good question...then you're going to have to pray for both of you. You are going to have to stay on knees before God asking Him to heal your marriage. You are going to have to stay in the Word seeking guidance from God. Again, this is not a license for your spouse to cheat repeatedly and expect your love. If your spouse is a habitual cheater, then he/she may need to seek professional help and you may need to separate until they seek help so you won't be putting yourself at risk for STDs or emotional abuse.

Remember rebuilding trust is two-fold. Just as your marriage takes two people; so does rebuilding trust! The person offended slowly breaks down the walls of a hardened heart and the offender seeks to regain trust by being open and keeping their spouse informed. The two of you must work at rebuilding trust.
**A good book is Guard Your Heart, by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
**Here's a quick podcast on Forgiveness and Trust by Gary Chapman Click Here

What do you think? Do you think it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Read Part 3 - Restoring Intimacy

Can my marriage be healed after infidelity? Part 1- Releasing Forgiveness

You may think there is no way your marriage can be healed after adultery. Well I'm here to tell you there is hope after infidelity. How do I know? Because my marriage has healed after infidelity. Ten years ago I discovered my husband was having an adulterous affair. (Deep Breath...Sigh) ...I. Was. Devastated...to say the least. I did not think, at the time, our marriage would survive. I struggled daily with putting God's words of forgiveness into action. I even had combative discussions with God about how I can't forgive and that my husband didn't deserve my forgiveness. Whew. That's harsh! Side note: I could clearly see that my husband was sorry for his actions and he sought forgiveness daily. However, that did not make me want to release forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15 explains that we cannot be forgiven if we do not extend forgiveness. This seems so simple, right? Wrong! I mean, I can forgive you if you pull out in front of me in traffic. I can forgive you if you hit my car and put a small scratch on it. I can forgive you if you come home late and forget to call. I can forgive you if you don't do the dishes when you said you were going to do them. BUT... I can't forgive you if you talk about me behind my back. I can't forgive you if you reprimand my child for no reason. I can't forgive you if you have an affair! Forgiveness is not like Burger King. You can't have it your way. Let's look at Matthew 6:14-15 again.  The Message Bible says it like this: "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part." Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's all about you and your reconciliation to God. You can't be forgiven if you don't extend forgiveness. Now I don't know about you, but I am nowhere near perfect and I have a lot of sins that need to be forgiven. Sins that I commit every day! And I need forgiveness. Again, is this easy? No way! I told you I was having conversations with God daily about not wanting to forgive. I couldn't sleep. I lost a lot of weight (partly because of depression from the affair) because I couldn't eat. God would not let me rest. Even when I finally submitted and said that I forgave...I don't think I had in my heart and God still wouldn't let me rest. I thought, like most people, that if I held onto the pain and didn't forgive that I would be hurting the guilty party, but that wasn't the case. My husband was sleeping at night (and this infuriated me more). He might have been hurting, but he was sleeping at night. Why? Because he had made peace with God. He sought forgiveness from God and me and genuinely repented (changed and returned back to God). Still, I wanted to be mad at him and I wanted God to punish him. (Ironically, I don't want God to stay mad at me when I sin, nor do I want to be punished.) So why do we wish this on people who have offended us? Eventually, after I struggled with it...I did forgive - wholeheartedly. However, forgiveness was just the first step in our healing process. There would be more restless nights ahead and still the possibility of divorce. But God! And I mean, but God! God is truly the only reason my marriage is healed.

Forgiveness is not just saying the words. It is releasing that person from bondage. This doesn't mean we forget the offense; it's impossible to erase our memories. However, forgiveness says that we do not allow that person to have a stronghold over our lives. As long as you hold on to the offense by not forgiving, the offender has a hold on your life. And in some instances, forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile to that person. For example, you don't have to return to an abusive relationship. You can forgive your abuser and go on with your life - by not allowing yourself to be put in that abusive situation again or by separating until that person receives professional help. Forgiveness is also not a pass for someone to take you for granted. So you don't have to release forgiveness and then close your eyes or ignore future offenses (even if they are the same offenses that you've already forgiven). You can forgive and separate until that person receives professional help. Maybe they need drug or alcohol rehab; professional counseling for verbal abuse; or whatever professional help they need so they will stop being abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, or verbally) in the relationship.
**A good book about healing in marriage is Desperate Marriages, by Gary Chapman. (There's a PDF file for this book, here).

What do you think? Is forgiveness something you give freely? Should you offer your spouse unconditional forgiveness? Do you find it harder to forgive your spouse versus someone else? Why or why not? Share your thoughts.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - Rebuilding Trust.