Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness means more than saying sorry." (From the movie Just Friends).

So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. Matthew 18:35.

Every day we are given new mercies and new grace. God continues to bless us even when we don't deserve it. So how is it that we are unable to forgive our spouses when they fail us? Everyone of us is human. We are all capable of mistakes. In fact, we continue to make mistakes everyday - but God is like a big eraser. He erases our mistakes and they are no longer visible, not even the imprint. When someone looks at us, they don't even know that we made the mistake - there is no trace of it, no record.

So why can't we forgive our spouses? Sometimes it's hard to forgive people. I know. But let's look at it from a different perspective. Let's examine this from the other side. If you make a mistake and feel really bad about your error, don't you want to be forgiven for your wrongness? Of course you do! You want God to forgive you every time you ask Him.

Forgiveness is not about you. Your marriage is not about you. Your life is not about you. God has a purpose for everything in your life. Things happen in your life so that in the end, God gets the glory. Your marriage represents Christ's love for the church. When people see your marriage, they should see the love between a husband and a wife as representation of Christ's love for His church (people). When people see you forgiving your spouse, they see a representation of God's love for His people and God's grace and mercy. So unless you don't want or need forgiveness, then you have no reason to forgive anyone else. But I beg to differ that we all need forgiveness; therefore, we should all forgive. Read Matthew 18:21-35 in its entirety about the unmerciful servant. And remember when your spouse does something that hurts you - they don't necessarily mean to, they don't know that they did it, they don't know what they are doing, or they aren't saved. So we could do several things: we could be mad, hold a grudge, seek revenge; but as Christians none of these are Godly. We should; however, pray for them, pray for ourselves, seek reconciliation, forgive them (even if they don't ask - remember it's not about us), and love them. We could also do something nice for them - write them a letter, give them a card, send flowers, give a hug or kiss, etc. I know this sounds strange but in order to heal and get past the hurts once you've reconciled you will need to do something to erase the memory of the scar. Doing something nice for that person every time you think about the hurt will eventually replace the hurt feelings with lovely feelings. This won't be easy at first, pray for guidance, strength, and the love that God gives. And notice that the word forgive has the word give in it.

Now forgive.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Interactions between a husband and wife

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

What does it mean to be kind? Some synonyms are affectionate, loving, generous, sympathetic, caring, nice, benevolent, considerate to name a few.

What does it mean to be tenderhearted? easily moved to love, pity, or sorrow, compassionate, kind, gentle, tender

What does it mean to be forgiving? merciful, lenient, pardoning, forbearing, sympathetic

When we look back at Ephesians 4:32 and really examine this verse, first we see the conjunction and which tells us that something else goes with this verse. If we look at the verse before this one we will find these words: Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: (Ephesians 4:31). This verse tells us to put all bitterness (resentment, hostility, sourness) away. Meaning don't indulge in bitterness. Don't allow bitterness to reside in you or your heart. Don't be bitter. It also says to put away malice (hatred, spite, meanness), anger (irritation, annoyance, fury), clamor [clamour] (shout, scream, yell), and evil speaking (wickedness, sin, immorality). When you look at the real meaning of these words and really understand what it is God is saying, you begin you understand verse 32 a little better. This is also a command. God is not asking us to do this, He is telling us to do it. He is telling us to put away evil things and be kind. He is telling us to be loving to one another. What is our premise for wanting to do these things? God, Himself. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)

1 John 4:8 says: He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

So if we put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking; we can be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving toward one another. But the verse doesn't end there-it ends with what God has already done for us and continues to do for us. So if we are in need of kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness, why can't we give these things to our spouses?

Think about it. Ask God to help you love your spouse the way He loves your spouse. And then BE kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. This is a command!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Prayer

Do you talk to God? If so, how often? Does He talk to you? If so, how often? Do you listen when He speaks? It is important that we talk to God. In your marriage, the most essential part is God. He should be your center. He should be your guide. He should be at the head of your house. If God is not the focus in your marriage, then your marriage won't survive. We must remember to keep Him in our hearts always - even when times are good. It is usually in those times that we seem to forget about God because everything is going well. But we must never forget about God.

Pray with your spouse when you wake up in the morning. Pray with your spouse before you go to bed at night (and bow down on your knees). Pray with your spouse before every meal. Pray with your spouse whenever.

How do you pray with your spouse? You can pray silently with your spouse and when you are finished you quietly say "amen" and wait for your partner to finish (Gary Chapman - A Couple's Guide to a Growing Marriage). Or one spouse can pray aloud for both parties. Or you can pray conversationally. Which is where one spouse begins to pray and then pauses; then the partner begins to pray elaborating on the same topic and then pauses for the first spouse to continue to pray until the two finish (Gary Chapman - A Couple's Guide to a Growing Marriage).

So pray with your spouse. Pray for your spouse. Pray. Talk to God and listen to God.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Infidelity

Infidelity is a touchy topic. Okay. Here we go.

When a spouse goes outside of the marriage for whatever (romance, conversation, intimacy, love, etc.) it can leave a nasty burn at home. Some marriages are scarred through infidelity with a lifelong reminder of a child. Some marriages are burned so badly the bridge is no longer there. Other marriages are glued back together only to find out the adhesive wears off and the stickiness fades.

Then there are the marriages that God fixes after infidelity and both parties are restored to complete fullness and the scar from the burn is invisible as if it were never there.

There is no reason why a man or a woman should commit adultery, but sometimes they do. And just because they do, this doesn't mean it is the end of the world. God can take our worst circumstances and turn them into something miraculous. Something spectacular. Sometimes we feel as if the infidelity of our spouse was brought on because of something we did or didn't do, the fact remains that it is wrong. When we are married, we take a vow to love one another and forsake all others. However, this doesn't automatically make us unable to cheat. We aren't instantly enclosed in a "spouse bubble" and the only one who can get in is our spouse. We have to make a conscious decision to stay faithful. To love the one we're with no matter what - even if they are unlovable. All of us are unlovable at some point in time (and God continues to give us another chance).

Let's make a conscious decision today to stay in love with the one God allowed us to be with and commit completely to them. Leave outsiders just where they are - on the outside. Don't allow infidelity to ruin your marriage or your testimony to others. Remember our marriages are a representation of God's love for the church. So when people see your marriage they should see God's love so much that they will want to be a part of His family.

Infidelity. Okay. There it goes.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Love Notes/Letters

Dear Lovers,
Remember when you were dating and you would write a love letter to your mate? You may have had a special way to fold the letter so that it would be unwrapped for more pleasure. You may have had a special pen that you wrote the letter in so that it would look enticing. You may have had a special type of perfume or cologne that you sprayed on the letter so your mate would have a scent in which they would remember.

Well why not write a love letter to your spouse? Why not tell him or her about how special they are to you or how they make you feel? Why not make a little questionnaire for them to fill out on different things you want to know about them, such as their favorite restaurant, favorite movie, movie they would like to go see, favorite type of clothing, favorite store, dreams they haven't accomplished, etc.? Why not? Write your spouse a letter and put it in a nice envelope or use your special fold. Type it on the computer with a different font other than Times New Roman. Print it on color paper. Put it in a colored envelope. Spray cologne or perfume on it. Draw hearts or diamonds on the envelope or use clip art. Leave it under their pillow or in a drawer. Give it to them over dinner that you prepare. Do something nice for your spouse; write a love letter. It's small, but it's meaningful. They'll appreciate you for it.

With Love,
Always

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Weekend to Remember Retreat

Family Life www.familylife.com/weekend is hosting a Weekend to Remember Retreat for couples. This is a time to reconnect with your spouse, find new love with your spouse, rekindle old love, or keep love alive. Please visit their website and check out the information for the Weekend to Remember Retreat. The retreat date for Memphis, TN is November 14, 15, & 16 at the Hilton Memphis. If this date is not convenient, you may use the group code for any of the retreat dates until July 2009.

If you use the group code #18375 you can save $80/per couple. When using the group code, you must call 1-800-FL-TODAY in order to register. You cannot use the group code online.

God's Union Marriage Ministry would love for you to join our group in November for a weekend to remember. Again marriage is too important to allow it to slowly dissolve. Join us! Keep your marriage alive!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

God's Union Marriage Ministry

Marriage is ordained by God. With this said, then why do so many married couples get divorced? We live in a society where marriage is not taken seriously. Just look at Hollywood; couples are switching spouses with every new movie, with every new music release, or with every new season. In order for our children to grow up with healthy views about family, we must show them a picture of a healthy family. If spouses are arguing, fighting, unlovable, that affects the children. Many of our children are angry and unloved. They can't change their attitude if they have no examples of how to be loving and kind. It starts at the top. The father and mother (preferably the husband and wife) have to show love, exhibit love, give love and then the children will learn from example. You have trusted someone enough to marry them, but you don't give them the love and support they need to continue in that love. Before you got married, you were inseparable, in love, attentive, and romantic. Now after the wedding, you're separated, out of love, inattentive, and not romantic. Now you don't have time. Now you are tired. Now you are mad. Now you are... The list goes on and on. Well you had time before (where did it go?) and you haven't changed. You weren't tired before (staying up until 4 in the morning on the phone) and you haven't changed. You weren't mad before (nothing made you mad - you were in love) and you haven't changed. You weren't... and you haven't changed!

Ephesians 5:25 says: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
This is a command from God, not a request or a suggestion. It starts at the top. The husband is the top (after God). Then the wife. We need to start with love. Loving each other the way God loves us.

How do you love someone? Find out what makes them feel loved and then do that which makes them feel loved. Speak their love language (Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages). In his book, he talks about five love languages that make a person feel loved.
1. Words of affirmation - you feel loved if your spouse tells you nice things or writes you nice letters. i.e. 'you look nice', 'dinner was great', I like your hairstyle', 'that suit looks good on you'
2. Physical Touch - you feel loved if your spouse gives you gentle touches. i.e. rubs your shoulder, strokes your hair, touches your thigh, gives you a hug or gentle kisses, sexual intimacy
3. Receiving Gifts - you feel loved if your spouse buys you gifts. (they don't have to be expensive). i.e. box of candy, roses, jewelry, book, etc.
4. Quality Time - you feel loved if your spouse spends time with you. i.e. quality time is time away from distractions such as the TV or newspaper. You spend time talking and listening to spouse. Take a walk with spouse. Play a board game. Read to spouse.
5. Acts of Service - you feel loved if your spouse does things for you. i.e. vacuums, does the dishes, takes out the trash, cleans the bathroom, makes up the bed, picks up dry cleaning, picks up dinner, etc.
Many people may have more than one love language but there is always a dominant language (one that you prefer over all of them). If your spouse speaks this language enough, your love tank will be full and you will feel loved. Therefore love is in the air and the children feel loved. But both spouses need to feel loved. Love is not a one way street. Once you master the love languages, you can ask your spouse, "How is your love tank, today?" If it is not full, then you know what you need to do. Think about: if your spouse died tomorrow, how would you feel? Would you feel as if you did your best to make them feel loved? Or would you wish for more time with them for a second chance to get it right? Get it right the first time. Get it right now!